Get This Super Fun Book
for Super Fun FREE!
May 1-5, 2013

by
Dean Burkey

Photo Source:
The photo of the author running from a Monster Crab
(a.k.a. Crab Cake Gone Wild)
is a mock-up still created by Brad Hudson using footage
from his film project “The Bad Clam”.
The background picture is A Cloudy Blue Sky by Photo Rack.

Book Description

Publication Date: April 15, 2013

Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The DEAN Adventures

Wouldn’t you rather have your humor be Heaven-Bent than bent the other way?

Whether Dean’s backpacking with Bigfoot in Bermuda, time-traveling with movie stars, or inadvertently destroying worlds beyond ours, this guy knows how to have fun! Enjoy his crazy, quite possibly insane, adventures!

What will Dean do with the billions he makes by this book? Find out inside! And encourage billions of others to do so too. Especially if they pay full price!

Inventive, funny, suspenseful, each story provides a mini-vacation away from the burdens of your day. So get your ticket to fun now; and start reading. Destination: Comedy!

Funny Thing Is …
Powerful Panda Points and Other Super Thoughts
I Have Amazing Super Powers; and So Too Can You!
The Worst Nightmares Ever
How to Become a Superhero (Without Having Your Home Planet Explode)
I Drink String Beans!
The Perfect Plan: Foiled!
The Perfect Plan: Foiled! 2: Holy Chip!
Spice Boy!
My O.B.E.!
An Inconvenient Fiction
Mister Dean: The Party Animal!
As You Celebrate Independence Day, Ask Yourself This
Jacko, Elvis, and The Albino Bigfoot
Eyewitness Proof That Life Existed on Other Planets!
Why I Should Be a Billionaire
Getting Ready for the End of the World
Food Phobia
Joining the Dark Side
Time-Traveling with Hollywood Hunks
Dear Supermodels
My Epic 6-Part “Inside-Out” Adventure!:
Part 1: Beggar Gone Bad!
Part 2: The Unexpected Peril of Paramotoring
Part 3: Down the Dragon’s Hole!
Part 4: Inside the Hollow Earth!
Part 5: The Perfect Ploy to Take Over the World!
Part 6: Is This Really The End?
Me Jailed?! I Didn’t Know! Did You Know?
Me Jailed?! I Didn’t Know! Did You Know? 2: Locked Up During Lockdown
Don’t Fall in Love with a Psycho
What Makes a Psycho a Pyscho?
How to Turn a Video into a Movie
Sanity Check: Pass Or Fail?
The Wing Man’s Revenge
The Over-Salted Pretzel Conspiracy Theory
Aged to Perfection
Daunting Date Ads
Free Cookies Are Great, Even If They’re Crummy
Unfortunately, Fargon Is Now Far Gone
How We Spend Our Last Day on Earth Says A Lot About Who We Are
Don’t Mention It?
Silly Silly Bands
Hanging Out with Supermodels Is Fun
Thank You Warren Buffett!
How I Hypnotized Myself into Becoming Mega-Rich
Oh Honeybell, Honeybell, Orange You Glad I Finally Found You?
I Dream of the DirectTV Genie
I’m in Smokepoint’s New Music Video: "Escape from Braddock Forest”
Time-Traveling with Hollywood Hunks 2: The Uncivil Civil War
Backpacking with Bigfoot in Bermuda
Canoeing with Sharks
Canoeing with Sharks 2: Am I Really on the Menu?
Crab Cakes Gone Wild!
Getting Messy with Nessie:
Part 1: Captain Steele Is No Captain Stubing!
Part 2: Meeting Someone Newed to Me
Part 3: Ripples of Regret
Part 4: The Hunt Begins
Part 5: Harpooned in the Heart
Part 6: Facing the Real Monster
Part 7: A Real Blast
Part 8: Sweet Dreams
All’s Crazy That Ends Crazy

Snippets

Because nothing honors a person’s memory more than having a potato chip with that person’s likeness enshrined for all to see.

Don’t forget to wrap your head in aluminum foil too, so those intergalactic fiends can’t read your mind. Otherwise, no one else in the field of extra-terrestrial relations will take you seriously.

The pinwheel hat is optional.

The government should charge a hefty Non-Superhero Tax to billionaires who aren’t superheroes, to fund folks who want to be superheroes, but can’t afford the exorbitant costs of costuming and gadgetry.

Never thought I’d wind up in jail.

An asylum? Sure. It’s a such crazy world, you’d be nuts not to go insane.

Before you buy this book, take a Look Inside!

Product Details

File Size: 246 KB
Publisher: http://heaven-bent.com (April 15, 2013)
Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
Language: English
ASIN: B00CDGV9Q8
Text-to-Speech: Enabled
X-Ray: Not Enabled
Lending: Enabled

More Snippets!

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR:
The DEAN Adventures:
With Jacko tagging along,
I now know how the Abominable Snowman
learned the Moonwalk.
Silly yeti!
He almost fell off a couple cliffs
dancing backwards so much.
Obviously trying to impress Jacko.
Which also explains why the Abominable Snowman
kept saying the word Thriller.

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR:
The DEAN Adventures:
The “handsomest” of them resembled Bigfoot.
Only with ZZ Top beards
and a Snidely Whiplash mustache.
Strange race indeed.
And that was just their women!

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR:
The DEAN Adventures:
I feel so sick,
that National Geographic explorers
keep coming to my house.
Apparently, when I don’t feel well,
I make the exact same sounds as a dying yeti.
Or a plesiosaur giving birth.

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR:
The DEAN Adventures:
The singing sensation continued,
“Here, no one knows I faked my death;
and no one knows me as Elvis,
the King of Rock and Roll.
Instead they know me as”--
--He led me into a cave
filled with hundreds of primitive people
who cheered at Elvis and shouted in unison:
“Kimosabe!”
“They think you’re the Lone Ranger?!”

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR:
The DEAN Adventures:
The plaster started to crack,
which meant that with just a little more pressure,
I’d be pulled in half.
Or pulled so far apart,
I’d be left paralyzed from the eyebrows down.
One side yanked; the other side yanked.
Both sides yelled.
It looked like this could be the end of me!
So why couldn’t they wait one more day?
Tonight’s supper was supposed to be PBJ Soufflé!

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR:
The DEAN Adventures:
That was either Bigfoot crying because he missed me.
Or the Scorpion King got his tail
caught under an automatic garage door again.
What a klutz!

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Crab Cakes Gone Wild!

by
Dean Burkey

Photo Source:
A Mock-Up Still from “The Bad Clam”
(an unfinished film) by Brad Hudson

Bigfoot and I had a falling out.
More like a throwing out!
He threw me out of a tree,
because he blamed me for his bad case of fleas!

I think Biggie just felt bad,
because he almost fed me to the sharks.

Little Known Fact:
Bigfoot hates being called Biggie!
Except by me.

I’m the only one allowed to call him that,
so I have to remember not to call him that
in front of others;
or they’ll think he likes that
and start calling him that too.
Biggie hates when others call him Biggie,
because they’re talking about his feet,
but I’m talking about his heart.

I caught him climbing a tall tree
to return a fallen sparrow to its nest.
He look embarrassed,
as if I shouldn’t have seen him.
I said, “Dude, it’s cool to have a big heart.
If everyone did; the world would be a much better place.
Now hurry down, before that tree snaps in half.”

Great Advice:
Don’t ever ask Bigfoot for a piggyback ride.
Because he will expect one in return.

Biggie’s just a big kid at heart.
A big hairy kid who can crush you with one heartfelt hug.

So maybe our parting ways was for the best.
He acted brave in front of me,
but when he was a couple miles away,
I heard his wailing echo through the valley.
That was either Bigfoot crying because he missed me.
Or the Scorpion King got his tail caught
under an automatic garage door again.

I’d rather think Biggie missed me.
And why wouldn’t he?
We had so much fun
backpacking in Bermuda
and camping and canoeing in California;
near-death experiences notwithstanding.

We hang out a lot,

so I’m sure I’ll see him again.

Meanwhile, I felt famished.

Being falsely accused of causing flea problems

and flung from trees always makes me hungry.

Blessed as I always am,
I stumbled upon Craig’s Crab Shack.

Confounded as I often am,
that wasn’t a seafood place!

Fortunately though,
Katrina’s Crab Shack was.

I ordered crab cakes.
I needed something to assuage the aching in my heart
from parting ways with such a noble and hairy friend.
Plus, I was hungry!

I found this quaint seafood restaurant
only because I watched a meteor
crash into its backyard.
The glowing of that smoldering space rock
led me to the place.

With the day sunny, but not hot, I sat outside.
While I waited for my order to cook,
I whipped out my magnifying glass
to read the fine print of a studio contract!
Unfortunately, my doing so
burned the contract to ashes.
But not before I caught a glimpse of a phrase
“cost the writer his integrity and very soul”.

Hmm.
I wondered what that meant.
The producer Mephisto Darklord,
owner and operator of Diablo Studios,
promised me that with one signature,
he could make all my writing dreams come true.
Except for the supermodel clones and chocolate river.

So my big break went up in smoke!
But I knew I’d get famous soon enough.
How could any reasonable movie mogul
turn down such great screenplays as
“Exit Strategies”,
“Channel Surfing”,
and “Sharks on a Plane”?

Other than my overcooking a studio contract,
Katrina’s Crab Shack seemed like a decent place.
The server Sasha was cordial and kind.
The prices reasonable.
And Collier the chef prepared the food
as rapidly as non-fast-food can be made.

Unfortunately, …

I noticed that my order of crab cakes
emanated the same eerie glow as the meteor.
Not only that,
but they leapt from the plate
and moon-walked toward me.

So I ran.

Fortunately,
I ate enough crackers
while waiting for my crab cakes
that I gained a little sustenance.
(If you can call crackers sustenance.)

Unfortunately,

the crab cakes gained a little sustenance

from the tartar and cocktail sauces.

Even more unfortunately,

that wasn’t nearly enough sustenance for them,

so they sought more.

Even still more unfortunately,

they sought sustenance from me!

At first I fled along the beach.
But then I realized that such a locale automatically
gave the crab cakes the home field advantage!

So I darted into the woods,

hoping to lose the trail of the Crab Cakes Gone Wild.
Wasn’t that easy.
They kept right behind me every step of the way!
I knew I should’ve stuck with a vegan diet.
Vegans never get attacked by their food!

Having Crab Cakes try to eat me
broke my number one food rule:

Never eat anything
that can eat you back!

But in my defense,
I had no idea those things would spring to life.
I also didn’t realize they would grow so rapidly.
I raced back to the cruise ship.
I didn’t want to miss the boat.

But in my defense,
I had no idea those things would spring to life.
I also didn’t realize they would grow so rapidly.

On the bright side,

the larger the Crab Cakes got,

from eating unlucky squirrels and chipmunks

who scampered in their way,

the clumsier they became.

Growing too fast for their minds

to adapt to their enlarging bodies.

Kind of like pubescent adolescents.

On the dark side,

the larger they got,

the stronger they got.

I no longer had to look back to wonder where they were.

I could hear them knocking over the trees

that got in their way.

I missed Bigfoot like crazy.

He always knew how to handle marauding monsters.

Snap! Swoosh! Crunch! Swish!
Trees flew at me from behind.
They were too close for me
to waste time turning around.
I listened carefully to know when to duck,
while I kept fleeing forward
as fast as my semi-hungry legs could carry me.

Scrap! Smoosh!
A tree swung at me from right in front of me!
I ducked as courageously as I could.

The tree swung over me like a mighty bat
hitting a homerun as it clobbered the Crab Cake in front.

I wondered why the Crab Cakes turned on each other.
Or did they not think I would duck?

None of the above!
Biggie came back for me!
Bigfoot held the tree overhead and growled.
I can’t be sure,
because I’m not entirely familiar
with the physiology of gigantic Crab Cakes.
But I’m pretty sure they wet themselves.

I did!
So I’m pretty sure they must’ve too.
They emitted some form of liquid
and shrunk to half their size almost instantaneously.
Biggie batted the Crab Cakes back to the crab shack.
As they rolled into the parking lot,
they shrunk to their original size, but still kept attacking.

Although winded,
out of breath,
and running with wet pants,
I rushed;
well, maybe rushed isn’t the right word;
I crawled faster than a dying snail
back to Katrina’s Crab Shack,
where Bigfoot pounded the Crab Cakes to no avail.

Struggling to remain conscious,
I called out,
“Biggie! …
You take care …
of the meteor. …
I’ve got …
this.”

Bigfoot looked around

to make sure no one heard me call him Biggie;
and swung the tree like a golf club,
hitting a hole-in-one with the meteor
landing in a cave on the other side of the cove.

I pulled out my magnifying glass
and treated those Crab Cakes
like a love letter from my ex.
Burning them the way I accidentally
burned the screenwriting contract.

The Crab Cakes screeched
as they smoldered and charred into oblivion.

Hearing a ruckus, Collier the chef
came from the kitchen to investigate.
Seeing me, he said,
“Table 3. How were your crab cakes?”

I shrugged.
“A bit overcooked.”

With the seafood entrée invasion destroyed,
I passed out.

Seeing my sweaty forehead and wet pants,
Collier called out, “Sasha!
I told you not to serve the tap water!”

Bigfoot towered over Collier and growled.

Collier broke out into a cold sweat and wet himself.
He called out to Sasha, “Never mind!”

Biggie carried me to a seaside restaurant
on the end of a long pier: The Mitter’s Catch.

Upon awakening,
I hugged Bigfoot and said,
“Thank you so much! I’m sorry I gave you fleas.”

Biggie laughed and hugged me back,
almost cracking my every rib.
His growl told me he didn’t really blame me for the fleas.

Splish-splash-plop!
Hearing that sound,
I looked into the ocean next to our table
and gulped to see a crab cake
floating alongside the restaurant.

My face turned white.

Great Advice:
If you’re in a situation
where you might get scared to death,
don’t wear white pants.

Any dignity I might’ve had left
oozed onto the pier.

Biggie laughed like a dental patient

overdosing on nitrous oxide.

I said, “It’s not funny!
You can’t find a tree on the pier to bat them away!”

With a growing smile,
Bigfoot pulled a tray of crab cakes from under the table.
He then growled in a way that said,
“Now we’re even!”

“For what? You admitted I didn’t give you fleas!”

He folded his arms
and grunted in a way that seemed to say,
“For getting mad at my ingesting dairy.”

I shook my head,
ready to rant about the need to let things go,
but then I noticed several dorsal fins gliding nearby.
Gulp!
No way I wanted another sh-sh-shark encounter
anytime soon, so I acquiesced.
“Sure thing, Biggie. Whatever you say.”

I didn’t see that the server Antonio approached.
He smiled at Bigfoot and asked,
“Care for more crab cakes Biggie?”

Oops!
Bigfoot glared at me as if to say,
“We’re no longer even!”

Biggie’s a great guy.
He saved my life plenty of times!
But between the fleas, the flatulence,
and his moody temper tantrums,
I decided then and there,
that I had enough Bigfoot sightings for a while.

For my next trip,
I’m flying to Scotland
to see the Loch Ness Monster.

She may be slippery,
but Nessie knows how to party.

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Tim Hawkins - Wii and Games, Glow in the dark frisbee Funny!

Uploaded on May 21, 2010 by

sideburns2009

Bill Cosby:
Parents are not interested in justice.
They want quiet.

Dean Burkey:
Telemarketers use sophisticated computer systems
that detect the moment you sit down to eat;
and then start dialing.

George Carlin:
“No comment” is a comment.

Dean Burkey:
If you cruise a lot,
you may be eligible for Frequent Floater Miles.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Dogs are the leaders of the planet.
If you see two life forms,
one of them’s making a poop,
the other one’s carrying it for him,
who would you assume is in charge?

Tom Wilson

Biff From Back To The Future answers your questions

Uploaded on Jan 25, 2011 by

mrholymoly

Heaven-Bent HUMOR

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Get This Super Fun Book for Super Fun FREE! May 1-5, 2013