Mister Dean The Party Animal!

Mister Dean 

The Party Animal!

Who knew a birthday party for a five-year old kid could be so much fun? 

My friend Walt threw a party for his second son Timmy and invited me. Since I was the only adult present who wasn’t a parent, I had to sit at the kid’s table. Ugh! 

Fortunately though, that meant I got to participate in the party games. And I won every event! Those little boogers never stood a chance. 

“I’m King of the World!” 

I should say I won every physical event. Somehow I came in third in the Trivia Contest. 

I’ve never been to the General Grant National Memorial, so how could I possibly know who’s buried in Grant’s tomb? * 

Despite what the answer card said, I still assert that a cow’s favorite activity is eating hay, or making faux chocolate hockey pucks, a.k.a. fertilizer patties; NOT going to the MOOOOOOOvies. * 

That’s so stupid too! When have you ever seen a bovine of any sort sitting at the cinema? 

Since pirates could care less about trees, why would their favorite day be ARRRRRRRbor Day? * 

That doesn’t make any sense either! I think that game was rigged. 

Maybe Walt was mad at me for bouncing everyone else out of the Bounce House. But isn’t that why it’s called a BOUNCE House? 

Those rabid little snots are such sore losers too! Literally crying to their mommies. Grow up; why don’t ya’?! 

Plus, my pal probably felt angry that his kid got scraped and bruised when I drug him along the yard during the three-legged race. But hey, I play to win. And Birthday Boy or not, I wasn’t gonna let Little Timmy the Cry Baby slow me down. 

Really didn’t mean to conk his head on the sprinkler system. But we won! You’d think Walt would be happy about that. And not so obsessed with the number of stitches Timmy needed. 

Through it all though, I know our friendship still means a lot to Walt, ‘cause I overheard him telling the others, that I’m SPECIAL! 

Blessings & Joy,

Mister Dean

* The Grant’s tomb bit is based on the old joke: Who’s buried in Grant’s tomb?
The MOOOOOOOvies joke came from a silly joke book my sister had when she was in elementary school.
I followed that same kind of “logic” to make the ARRRRRRRbor Day joke, but that’s probably in some silly joke books too, since it didn’t require too much thinking. 

Finding the Perfect Father's Day Card

Finding the Perfect 

Father's Day Card

I went to get my Dad a Father’s Day; and I started reading this one that said all kinds of wonderful stuff: 

“I don’t thank you enough for all the wonderful things you do.” 

“You taught me everything I need to know that’s good and right; and much, much more.” 

And I thought, “Wow! He’s going to love this. This is the perfect card! This says everything I want to say.” 

So I kept reading. “Your wisdom, your guidance, your love have helped to make me the woman I am today.” 

The what?! “Woman?” 

Where did that come from? I liked the card so much, I thought I could White-Out the W-O. 

But the background was pink, not white. Perhaps the pink background should’ve clued me in. 

That; and the big picture on the front of puckered red lips. 

So that’s why that card was categorized under: Father’s Day Greetings from Hootchie Mamas.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

P.S. Here’s my Father’s Day post from last year: 

Happy Father’s Day!

Lots of Laughs for Less than a Dollar!

Lots of Laughs

for Less than a Dollar!

*

Now available on Kindle for only ninety-nine cents each!

Fear not, laugh a lot, as Paranormal Investigator Eddie Hunter, a.k.a. the Mystery Hunter, matches wits with Count Dracula, the Werewolf, Frankenstein’s Monster, and many other madcap menaces, classic and new, from around the world and beyond. 

“Monster Laughs” spoofs monsters and more. Each hilarious chapter of this epic comedy novel stands on its own, while a story weaves its way throughout. No matter how dangerous the situation, the Mystery Hunter keeps his sense of humor, somehow survives, and finds time to enjoy waffles, pie, and bowling. Only he could save the world with bubble gum and burritos. 

In an Odyssey of Oddities, comedian Dean Burkey tackles the Invisible Man, Space Aliens, and other infamous frights. Further scary topics include romantic misunderstandings, macho insecurities, & diminishing dignity. 

I also fixed the problem mentioned in my blog post: "The Writing Nightmare".

From dark humor to zany, from highbrow to slapstick, author/comedian Dean Burkey creates comical escapades with two dozen plus short stories/essays starting with the title piece about a wacky world indeed and ending with two scientists striving to discover the secret to comedy.

Between these entertaining tales, fast-food’s melodramatic, thugs peg the voice of a cartoon mouse as an informant, zombies eat bacon, Einstein offers fitness advice, a tight-rope walker in distress learns an insight into himself at the worst possible time, John Napier discovers the decimal point, and much more.

Take a stress break, a mini-vacation; and let yourself embrace the bizarre, the comical, the wacky worlds of “Seasons Without Reason”, “Fast Food Follies”, “The Mouse that Squeaked”, “Breakfast of the Living Dead”, “Exercise = MC2”, “Turning Point”, “We Get the Point!”, “Woo-Hoo! Happy Birthday to Me!”, “Are Aliens from a Superior Race Stealing Our Laundry?”, “The Five Stages of Grief for Burnt Waffles”, “My Stolen Step-Ins”, “The Twelve-Step Program for People with Overdue Library Books”, “Brat-Sitter”, “How to Sell Lots and Lots of Angel Scout Cookies”, “Origins of Golf Lingo”, “Catch 23”, “First Fight”, “Philosophy of Chips”, “You Look Tasty!”, “No Deposit, ...”, “Cannibal Conundrum”, “Seven Dozen and Three Years Ago”, “Origins of Stand-Up Comedy Lingo”, “A Dribble Glass Can Be a Beautiful Thing”, “Art Schmart”, and “The Secret to Comedy”.

From the author of "Monster Laughs" and "Seasons Without Reason" comes a delightfully funny novella about modern romance and the various means men use to avoid long-term entanglements.

For the shallow of soul and faint of heart, no phrase frightens more than "till death does us part". Or so thinks Dennis Peterson whose fear of commitment so clouds his judgment that he fanatically follows his friend Buddy's bad advice which, unbeknownst to him, was given in jest: "If you're so afraid of making a lifelong commitment, find a woman with a short life span. Someone hot. With only a little while to live."

Men make their means of avoiding romantic entanglements, but their methods soon backfire. Do you want someone to love? Or just some body? To avoid needless heartache and other unwanted complications, make sure you know your way out, before you enter into anything. Especially love.

In "Exit Strategies", Dean pokes fun at love, romance, and all their heartache and stress. While still a comedy, this one gets more serious than the other two. More romantic too. PG-13. While the other two are free from foul language, this book uses the same word the King James Version of The Bible uses for donkey.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: 

Born backwards on Christmas Eve, author/comedian Dean Burkey has always viewed the world from a different angle. A lifelong student of comedy, he finds humor in the strangest situations to create exciting and comical adventures. He enjoys performing improv comedy with the ImprovAddicts.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

"Holy Laughter! Humor in the Bible" and "Faith like a Ketchup Seed" are still only $2.99 each. 

* Click the Free Kindle Reading Apps banner above to be able to read Kindle books without having to buy a Kindle!

An Inconvenient Fiction

“An Inconvenient Fiction”

With zeal and fervor akin to Jor-El trying to save Krypton from destruction, a certain former vice president allegorically championed the need to thwart global warming in his documentary “An Inconvenient Truth”. Unfortunately, the basis for the problem’s cause should be dubbed “An Inconvenient Fiction”. 

While he fervently blames the Earth’s increased temperatures on climate change, the actual cause is something else, something so obvious to everyone else: 

Terra-forming by space aliens! 


In preparation for their attack, when they will colonize the Earth and turn us into dust, slaves, or snacks. 

Of course, when I said this is obvious to everyone else, by everyone else, I meant subscribers to the Syfy Channel. 

So feel free to keep the refrigerator door open longer; and roll down your car windows when the air is on. Empty your ice chest outside too. Only by doing so can we help lower the Earth’s temperature; and thwart the space aliens’ attempts to hijack our favorite planet. 

Don’t forget to wrap your head in aluminum foil, so those intergalactic fiends can’t read your mind. Otherwise, no one else in the field of extra-terrestrial relations will take you seriously. 

The pinwheel hat is optional. 

As is the lobster bib with the flying saucer insignia. 

Admittedly, the red cape serves no useful function. It’s just fun. Especially when used in conjunction with the aforementioned pinwheel hat. 

Live long and prosper. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

The Writing Nightmare

The Writing Nightmare

Photo by Daniel Terry.

Writing a blog post about nightmares (see The Worst Nightmares Ever), reminded me of the Godzilla dream that inspired the department store scene in the Space Alien chapter of Monster Laughs, which got me to thinking: How does the Mystery Hunter get his trench coat and fedora back? Thus, while writing about nightmares, I uncovered a writing nightmare! 

Here’s the paragraph from page 180: 

Having switched clothes with a mannequin during my delightful conversation with the young screamer, I ducked under the sales counter.  A second later, a big blue hand reached into the store and grabbed the mannequin.  

You see? The giant alien grabs the Mystery Hunter’s clothes, which would be more than just his trench coat and fedora. 

Page 181 has this short paragraph: 

I removed my fancy fedora and nodded.  

So how did he get his outfit back? 

What if he doesn’t use his own outfit? Since his trench coat’s akin to Batman’s utility belt, he wouldn’t want to separate himself from his assortment of gadgets. 

Having dressed a mannequin with an outfit similar to mine during my delightful conversation with the young screamer, I ducked under the sales counter.  A second later, a big blue hand reached into the store and grabbed the mannequin.  

That should work. So if you hurry, you might be able to order a rare copy with the previous paragraph, before the change gets made. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

The Worst Nightmares Ever

The Worst Nightmares Ever

Some nightmares are fun, 

because they’re so exciting. 

Especially if they have cool plot twists 

I can apply to my writing. 

Like the time Godzilla chased me. Yes, a monster the size of a skyscraper! And yet that little bit of horror inspired the department store scene in the Space Alien chapter of Monster Laughs. 

Being chased by monsters or other scary beings can be frightening, to be sure, especially when Venom comes after you, even if you are Spider-Man, but to me, the worst nightmares ever are when I’m the monster. Not literally. But metaphorically. Although I was the Hulk once or twice. (Back when the TV show was on.) 

I dread dreams where I’m mean. I hate to think such evil lurks inside me. Worse yet, that I would ever let it out. 

Last night I dreamt I called someone I love very dearly a naughty name and then screamed, “I hate you!” (It’s not a word that would ever be bleeped, but it’s insulting just the same. The insult didn’t even fit the person to whom it was addressed, but I felt angry.) 

I’ve even died in a dream before. (I know you’re not supposed to, but I did.) My chute didn’t open. I landed in Lake Bentley; and piranha attacked me. I’d say that’s fatal. But even that wasn’t as bad a dream as me being mean. 

I dreamt I was working late, writing well into the night. Only I still lived in the house where I grew up. I made sure I stayed quiet, so I wouldn’t wake up everyone else. At some point, I couldn’t read my clock; and I was curious about the time, so I got up to look at a clock in another room. I wondered how late it was. Lo, and behold, it was only 6 pm. Not only that, there was a big pool party going on! So I got mad that I wasn’t invited to a party at my own house. 
That’s the gist of it. 

I had the Venom dream over a decade ago. Before Spider-Man 3 came out. Even before Spider-Man 1 came out. After my appendix burst, I stayed with my parents to recover. While staying there, I dreamt I was Spider-Man. Venom chased me. We both climbed walls, shot webs, and swung around, which was cool. We were at a hospital. Bob Hope and Brooke Shields were both in the dream too. So as scary as Venom’s relentless assault was, that dream was too cool to be called a nightmare. 

I’m Spider-Man; and Brooke Shields is there, what more does any dreamer want? Having Bob Hope present only added to the fun. Venom just made things exciting. 

May all your dreams be sweet! And may you be a superhero, not a villain, not only in your dreams, but in your waking hours too.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

The Comedic Power of the Misplaced Pause

The Comedic Power 

of the Misplaced Pause

In church today, the Bible Reader read like so from 1 John 5:10 (ESV):

“Whoever does not believe 

… God has made him a liar”; 

which sounds like God made the person a liar! 

Should read: 

“Whoever does not believe God 

… has made him [God] a liar”. 

Which is the opposite! 

One line on the back of a business card a friend gave me says: 

All sales support reputable global human trafficking

And then the next line says: 

Prevention & Rescue Organizations! 

Thus, the sales support the prevention of, and rescue from, human trafficking. Which is the opposite of what you think when you read the first line. (Of course, as she explained, when I pointed that out to her, she only hands out those cards after giving a talk on that subject, so maybe I’m the only one who would read it that way. But since I read it that way; and then the Bible Reader read the way he did this morning, I felt I should post on that subject. No offense intended to the Bible Reader or the card carrier. I’m just pointing out how easily a misplaced pause can cause confusion, which can create comedy too.) 

I thought this would make an interesting eulogy for a dearly departed, elderly church woman: 

“And, of course, as you may know, 

we were lovers. 

… Passionate lovers. 

… Of God’s Word.” 

The first two actually happened this weekend. The third one I made up. The comedienne who made a career out of funny pauses is Wendy Liebman. 

Wendy Liebman: 

“Like a lot of secretaries I practically ran the company 

. . . into the ground.” 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wendy_Liebman says this: “Wendy Liebman (born February 27, 1961 in Manhasset, New York) is an American stand-up comedian known for her distinctive style which includes quick, clever follow-ups after her jokes. She starts the joke leading it to one direction then changes it. As in ‘This Thanksgiving I made a 28 pound turkey ... pot pie,’ or ‘I really like to shop....lift.’” 

I was busy last week putting together a comedy set I performed this past Friday, so I didn’t have time to post much. The show went great. I’ll probably post more about it. I want to see the footage from it first.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey