Constable McBrody assembled
a team of three with one mission;
and one mission only.
To hunt the Loch Ness Monster.
Dead or dead.
There was no alive option.
Gulp!
What had I gotten myself into?
How could I be part of a team seeking
to kill a good friend whom I felt
semi-certainly hadn’t killed Coleen?
But if not Nessie, then who killed Coleen?
And why?
And why did they frame the Monster so mercilessly?
The team consisted of Constable McBrody,
Sea Captain McSquint,
and me, Dean,
but no one called me Dean on this trip;
they call called me The Mighty Mack Pooper.
I confess,
I did like the Mighty part.
I couldn’t care less about the Mack part.
But I totally dreaded the Pooper part.
And so we set sail early the next morning.
Just before dawn.
Aboard McSquint’s fishing boat, the Dorca.
Having convinced them that I was an expert
on the Loch Ness Monster,
even though I insisted she doesn’t exist,
I made it clear that if she did exist,
she felt highly fond of peanut butter,
chocolate, and bananas.
So,
although I hunted a dear sweet friend,
I got to sneak snacks of my three favorite flavors.
Best of all,
I also convinced them that alfalfa sprouts
would scare her off,
so I didn’t have to worry about
accidentally eating any of that!
Munching on two chocolate chip cookies
with peanut butter and a pureed banana
sandwiched between them,
I did my best to help Nessie,
by leading them to a cove where she never goes.
I sighed,
enjoying my ingenious plan to protect
my possibly homicidal friend,
and more importantly,
savoring my three favorite flavors.
Blip!
“We’ve got her on sonar!
She won’t get away now!”
Gulp!
Instead of leading them away,
I led them right to her.
I promise with all my heart
I never intended to become Nessie’s Judas.
Goodbye old friend.
TO BE CONTINUED ...
Harpooned in the Heart
Mitch Hedberg:
My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!”
I can’t use liquor as a crutch,
because a crutch helps me walk.
Woody Allen:
When I was little boy,
I wanted a dog desperately;
and we had no money.
I was a tiny kid;
and my parents couldn’t get me a dog,
‘cause we just didn’t have the money,
so they got me, instead of a dog
- they told me it was a dog -
they got me an ant.
And I didn’t know any better, ya’ know,
I thought it was a dog.
I was a dumb kid.
Called it Spot.
I trained it, ya’ know.
Coming home late one night,
Sheldon Finklestein tried to bully me.
Spot was with me.
And I said “Kill!”
And Sheldon stepped on my dog.
Dean Burkey:
Why is it always the guilty people who say?:
“Don’t judge me!”
Steve Martin:
A celebrity is anyone who looks like
he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
Steven Wright:
I have a decaffeinated coffee table.
You’d never know it to look at it.
