Should Rule the World;
Instead of the Clowns We’ve Got Now!
Jerry Seinfeld
would make the best key witness.
He’d point out every minute detail of the crime scene.
And cheer up the grieving family and friends
of the murder victim with his hilarious wit.
Woody Allen
should have the launch codes for the nuclear missiles.
That way the world would never be destroyed.
He’d contemplate and worry too much
to ever hit the fire button.
Betty White
would make the perfect assassin.
She’d invite you over for dinner
and entertain with hilarious anecdotes
from her extensive TV comedy career.
You’d have so much fun,
you wouldn’t realize until the very end
that her chocolate pudding
tasted a bit like strychnine for a reason.
You enjoy chocolate before you die;
and you die laughing.
And isn’t that much more preferable
than having a bullet fired at you from a mile away?
Mitch Hedberg:
I went to a restaurant,
and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket,
eating a hamburger, and drinking a glass of milk.
I said, “Dude, you are a cow.
The metamorphosis is complete.
Don’t fall asleep; or I will tip you over!”
George Carlin:
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Dean Burkey:
Let’s all try not to kill each other.
After all,
that is the first step
toward our achieving world peace.
Bill Cosby:
Human beings are the only creatures
that allow their children to come back home.
Steven Wright:
It’s a small world,
but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
