Self-Help:
What hopeless dweebs
who are too embarrassed to ask others for help
wind up having to do for themselves.
Self-Help is great for people
who are unable to convince others to lend them a hand.
Ask not what you can do for yourself;
ask what yourself can do for you.
Or the other way around,
whichever is easier.
What helps immensely
when marketing a self-help book
is to follow its advice and become a millionaire.
In which case,
you wouldn’t need to market a book.
Ergo,
I find myself suspicious
of any and all self-help books.
I think “self-help” means the author of such a book
is helping himself to our money!
After you buy a bunch of self-help books,
what you need is shelf-help.
George Carlin:
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Steve Martin:
People come up to me and say
“Steve, what is film editing?”
And I say “How should I know? You’re the director.”
Dean Burkey:
I wrote a biography of Jacques Cousteau:
“The Porpoise-Driven Life”.
Mitch Hedberg:
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus?
Or just a really cool opotamus?
Steven Wright:
I used to have an open mind,
but my brains kept falling out.
Some may find some of the following language and concepts offensive:
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