I started buying junk food.
I tried to eat healthy,
but whenever I’d buy healthy food,
it would go bad before I ate it.
So I figured I might as well buy food I’m gonna eat.
We’re supposed to eat
at least five servings a day
of fruits and vegetables.
A can of Sprite’s gotta be two servings,
‘cause that’s lemon and lime.
So I just need to drink two cans of Sprite
and wolf down a strawberry Toaster Strudel;
and then I can eat junk food.
Bill Cosby:
A word to the wise ain’t necessary.
It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.
Mitch Hedberg:
I think a rotisserie is
a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens.
We will take a chicken, impale it, and then rotate it.
Spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water.
I like dizzy chickens!
Dean Burkey:
Adding chocolate and coconut to fruits and nuts
makes everything taste like a healthy Mounds bar.
Steven Wright:
There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
George Carlin:
I’m not into working out.
My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
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