Photo Source: Pumpkin Friends by Petr Kratochvil
Soul Mates
I knew she looked lovely, but as I drew closer I saw that she was much lovelier
than I could’ve dreamed,
far more attractive than any one person has a right to be,
not counting yours truly,
which made me think we were made for each other.
But just before I could introduce myself
to my obvious Soul Mate,
a hulking Neanderthal in a top hat and bowtie
grabbed her and swung away on vines.
All I heard him say was “Oo-oo! Ah-ah!”,
but bystanders claimed he said quite eruditely,
“Come on honey, let’s go.”
But I can’t trust what the bystanders say,
because they also claim the vines
upon which they swung away was really a Ferrari.
Was she really with that missing link?
She looked like the kind of girl
who knew how to laugh in all the right places.
I’m sure I was perfect for her.
Besides, I’m articulate and witty,
nowhere near that hairy,
and look much, much better in a top hat and bow tie.
Moreover,
I have the the wherewithal and good fashion sense
not to wear a bow tie!
Ugh!
Why must my Soul Mate
always be attracted to the wrong guy?
Always the wrong guy!
Never me!
Don’t Soul Mates know
what being a Soul Mate means?
At first,
I felt sure that such a situation
(my Soul Mate being attracted to the wrong guy)
would work to my advantage,
but unfortunately,
I never turned out to be the wrong guy.
So I sighed and went on my way,
living in unshakable hope,
knowing that one day,
when the right Soul Mate comes along,
I’ll be lucky enough to be the wrong guy.
Mitch Hedberg:
I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top,
but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round,
and I gave her a burrito.
George Carlin:
The main reason Santa is so jolly
is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Dean Burkey
From Faith like a Ketchup Seed
& Holy Ketchup Seed Comedy Combo:
Where in the world is the Special Someone
who will accept me and my imperfections,
without clinging to the ridiculous notion
that I should do the same for her? *
* Turns out I used a similar joke
in Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The DEAN Adventures too.
Steven Wright:
I almost had a psychic girlfriend,
but she left me before we met.
Jerry Seinfeld:
I was the best man at the wedding.
If I’m the best man,
why is she marrying him?
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