Showing posts with label Superman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Superman. Show all posts

Monday, November 3, 2014

So Long Superman


So Long Superman



Has anyone talked to Superman lately? 
I just don’t get that guy. 
I kept thinking of how he’s always helping others; 
and no one seems to do anything for him. 
Except for maybe Lois Lane, 
but that’s none of my business. 
Source: http://memebase.cheezburger.com/puns/tag/superman

 So I thought I’d get him a thank you gift 
for stopping all those meteorites 
from hitting the Daily Planet building. 
I thought long and hard and realized 
he could make whatever he wanted 
the way he wanted it 
much better than anything I could make 
or buy for him. 
But then it hit me! 
A fragment from his home planet. 

So I gave him one. 
And, of course, I put it in a lead box 
so I wouldn’t ruin the surprise. 
And I wrote a nice note, 
‘cause that’s what I do. 
But it’s been six weeks; 
and I haven’t heard a word from him. 
Not a thank you. 
Nothing. 

Even Clark Kent, 
my main contact when trying to reach Superman, 
won’t return my calls. 
His receptionist covers for him really well too, 
always acting like he’s not there; 
she doesn’t know where he is; 
and no one’s heard from him in six weeks. 
I don’t get it. 
I’m just trying to be a nice guy. 

What else can I do to be nice? 
Hmm, 
maybe I can give a Samson a haircut. 

3 Doors Down - Kryptonite

Uploaded on Nov 21, 2009 by

 Author Unknown: 
(From: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/superherojokes.html)
Q: What did Superman say 
when he married two women on the same day? 
A: "That's mighty bigamy!"  
Q: What did Lex Luthor say 
when he did the same thing, 
then killed the women? 
A: "That's awful bigamy!"  

 Dean Burkey: 
“What? Superman? You’re allergic to green rocks? 
I thought you were allergic to dairy. 
Or gluten.” 

Superman & Seinfeld American Express Commercial 1

Uploaded on Feb 6, 2007 by

 Author Unknown: 
(From: My Username at https://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100521012822AA8AtsC)
Superman and Chuck Norris 
once bet on an arm wrestling match. 
The loser had to wear his underwear 
on the outside of his clothes.

 Dean Burkey:
I have a friend who’s crazy about “Smallville.” 
Sure, it’s a fascinating show. 
But it’s not real. 
That’s not how Superman and Lois Lane really met.

The Dark Knight Meets Superman

Uploaded on Jul 15, 2009 by

Dean Burkey:
What's the one thing Superman has 
that Batman doesn't have?
(Besides flight, super strength, super hearing, 
super vision, heat vision, super speed, etc.)
... A super hot cousin: 
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Friday, July 11, 2014

“A Normal, Charming Moment from My Childhood”


Photo Source: Butterfly by Peter Häger

People often ask me, instead of my writing about hanging out with Nessie and Bigfoot, space travel, and history-altering time trips, why don’t I share a normal, charming moment from my childhood? 

Okay, fine. I just figured that would be boring for everyone else. But hey, I’m here to please. And if that’s what you really, really want, then here you go: 

“A Normal, Charming Moment 
from My Childhood”

I remember a fine mid-to-late March day when I was seven. 

 As hand-me-downs in which to play around, I got my brother’s old Halloween superhero costumes, which he outgrew in more ways than one, so I had the choice of becoming Superman or Aquaman. 

 Hmm. However will I choose? One soars through space with the mightiest of powers. And the other one talks to fish and sleeps in the tub. 

Must’ve been a Saturday. Or a Teacher Work Day. Flowers bloomed. Butterflies fluttered. Bees buzzed about the sweetly scented citrus blossoms. Songbirds sang a thousand songs to welcome spring. And disembodied, transient beings from another dimension took over my parents. 

Somehow, I just knew that taking over others against their will wasn’t the right thing to do, so I hurried as fast I could to save my parents from those intergalactic dimension-hopping, body snatchers! 

 Of course, at age seven, I just referred to the disembodied, transient beings from another dimension, a.k.a. intergalactic dimension-hopping, body snatchers, as those icky things. 

Obviously, I did what any kid in that situation would do. I captured a pigeon with a box using Saltine crackers as bait and a stick with a string attached as the ingenious locking device. 

I’d seen enough TV shows by then to know, if you want to contact a secret government organization, you need to use a carrier pigeon. 

And the one I caught looked just as carrier-ish as any of ‘em. 

Of course, that was before email. Or shoe phones. Or hacking into Norad and the SETI programs became the proper protocol for such instances. 

Having just learned how to write, I took my time writing the note I would attach to the pigeon as soon as it fell asleep. 

Of course, I had to use an Early Reader Scholastic Dictionary to make sure I spelled disembodied transient beings from another dimension correctly. 

Did I mention what a good thing it was that I checked too, ‘cause I spelled dimension dimention. Whew! Glad I caught that! Wouldn’t want NASA, or wherever this pigeon would fly to, to think I was just a kid. 

Using my bright yellow, official, patented, Cubs Scout neckerchief scarf, I covered the squirming pigeon’s pesky beak, as I attached my rescue note to its left leg. 

But just before I released the pigeon to rescue my parents, I yanked off my message and threw it away. 

Sure, I wanted to free my parents. What kid wouldnt’? But these disembodied transient beings from another dimension liked tacos! 

That’s how I knew my parents had been taken over, ‘cause they only liked boring foods, like cole slaw and casseroles; not fun foods, like spaghetti and tacos.  

 So I handed the pigeon another Saltine and wished him well. After watching him soar away, I went inside and ate another taco. Yummy! 

 Those disembodied transient beings from another dimension must’ve been from outer space, ‘cause they seemed mighty pleased when I prepared a pitcher of Tang. 

If we’ve learned anything from the space program, it’s that only beings from outer space truly appreciate all the goodness that gets stirred into a glass of Tang. 

Turned out those disembodied transient beings from another dimension couldn’t stay for more than 24 hours anyway. ‘Cause the next night, we had meatloaf. 

Bill Cosby - Chicken Heart (entire routine)

Uploaded on Mar 30, 2011 by

Mitch Hedberg:
I don’t have any children, 
but if I had a baby, 
I would have to name it. 
So I would buy a baby naming book. 
Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on!

 Emo Philips:
I like going to the park 
and watching the children run and jump around, 
because you see, 
they don’t know I’m using blanks.

 Dean Burkey: 
I was such a difficult child. 
Soon after I was born, 
my parents tried to take me back to the hospital. 
But when it comes to babies, 
the hospital has a strict No-Return Policy. 

 Ray Divine:
Children live in a magical dream world. 
I don’t see why reality has to ruin that. 
Happy music should play wherever we go. 
With colorful birds chirping along in tune. 
And candy falling from the sky. 
But healthy candy, 
so as not to impede upon the pleasure. 
And every woman should be dressed 
like a magical princess. 
Especially cocktail waitresses and masseuses. 
That would lead to a lot of happy endings. 

 Steven Wright:
I wrote a few children’s books. 
... Not on purpose.

Jerry Seinfeld on Halloween (Stand-up in New York)

Uploaded on Oct 31, 2009 by

EvilTwinStore
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Sunday, June 22, 2014

Super Me!


Super Me!

Super Me! 
Yes, Super Me 
with amazing Me powers 
far beyond those of mere mortal men. 

 I noticed how skinny I started looking 
due to excessive stress resulting 
from family related issues, 
where my folks turned me over to the feds 
for masterminding a brilliant multi-bank heist, 
which would’ve worked perfectly, 
if only the batteries 
in my remote control detonating device 
had lasted a second or so longer. 

My parents probably wouldn’t’ve ratted me out, 
if I’d given them a bigger cut of the take. 
But hey, 
I’ve got my principles. 
The getaway driver never gets more than fifteen percent. 
... Or is that the hairstylist? 

 There’s so much to think about 
when planning a multi-bank heist!  

 After eating the undercooked breakfast burrito 
in the detainees’ café 
at the secret underground government facility 
where I was taken for questioning, 
I found myself unable 
to keep down solid foods for several weeks. 

 So upon securing my parole, 
meaning having escaped, 
I decided to make a smoothie 
that would not only satiate my appetite, 
but also give me super powers. 

 Which was why I went ahead 
and invented a Super Soldier Formula, 
similar to what the army used 
to create Captain America 
in World Disagreement Two. 
(Watch Now on Amazon Instant Video)

 With the aid of a particle accelerator, 
DNA rewriting agent, 
and a hefty dose of purloined plutonium, 
I made sure my concoction would be even more powerful. 
Not only would my muscle mass increase immensely, 
my strength would increase exponentially, 
which, truth be told, 
defies some of the basic so-called “laws” of physics. 

 Plus, my cognitive abilities would multiply as well. 
Even my heart would grow. 
To the extent that, 
instead of not giving a crap all the time, 
I would, from time to time, give a crap. 

 But only if the person truly deserves 
being given a crap. 

 My immediate induction 
into the Superhero Hall of Fame seemed ensured! 
Until, ... 

 While busy pondering my superhero name 
-- Captain Multiverse, 
Super Dude, 
King Sweet Cheeks -- 
I accidentally knocked over the vial of serum, 
spilling it all over my desk. 

 Whereupon the formerly frail wooden furniture 
suddenly increased in mass and broke my pinky toe. 

 Although I only had to enough make that one batch, 
I still got a new name. ...  
Captain Busted Pinky Toe. 

 But that name might change soon, 
since a drop or two of the serum landed on an ant 
as the tiny insect and his cohorts devoured a crumb 
from yet another undercooked breakfast burrito. 

My potential new name? 
Purina Ant Chow. 

 The ant grew the size of a dump truck. 
With courageousness and clarity of thought, 
I called the Marines and SWAT. 

 Unfortunately, 
that ant was a queen ant, 
a winged queen ant, 
so it flew away before the authorities arrived. 
Assessing the damage, 
they accused me of domestic terrorism, 
even though it was my own house, 
um, hideout, 
er, secret lair, 
that got destroyed. 

 Didn’t help my case one iota, 
having a glowing chunk of plutonium 
on a nearby night stand. 

Sensing how a return visit 
to their secret underground government facility 
wouldn’t bode well, 
especially since they boarded up my escape route. 
(The Old Climb Out The Storm Cellar Trick.) 
So I pled insanity. 
And sadly, 
no one questioned that diagnosis. 

 The consensus response was: 
“Yeah, okay. That makes sense.”

My next post may be delayed, 
depending on whether or not 
the Maximum Security Asylum has free Wi-Fi. 

 Oh, wait! 
Never mind. 
Looks like this place has a storm cellar. 

 And by the way, 
Hannibal the Cannibal says hi. 

 Until next time, be safe. 
And may all your breakfast burritos 
be thoroughly cooked. 

Antboy Official Trailer (HD) Superhero, Comedy

Published on Nov 5, 2013 by

 Author Unkown:
(From: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/superherojokes.html)
How many caped crusaders 
does it take to change a light-bulb? 
... None. They like the dark.  

 Ray Divine: 
Superheroes teach important lessons. 
Like fight for justice. 
Popeye taught us to eat our spinach. 
Wonder Woman taught women 
that if you want a guy to tell you the truth, 
tie him up and show him some cleavage. 

 Dean Burkey: 
The one thing that doesn’t make sense about comic book superheroes is this: 
Why doesn’t the Hulk wear stretchy pants? 

 Mitch Hedberg: 
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal; 
and he shot me with his web, 
I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.” 

 Steven Wright: 
Half the people you know are below average. 
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