Lots of Laughs for Less than a Dollar!

Lots of Laughs

for Less than a Dollar!

*

Now available on Kindle for only ninety-nine cents each!

Fear not, laugh a lot, as Paranormal Investigator Eddie Hunter, a.k.a. the Mystery Hunter, matches wits with Count Dracula, the Werewolf, Frankenstein’s Monster, and many other madcap menaces, classic and new, from around the world and beyond. 

“Monster Laughs” spoofs monsters and more. Each hilarious chapter of this epic comedy novel stands on its own, while a story weaves its way throughout. No matter how dangerous the situation, the Mystery Hunter keeps his sense of humor, somehow survives, and finds time to enjoy waffles, pie, and bowling. Only he could save the world with bubble gum and burritos. 

In an Odyssey of Oddities, comedian Dean Burkey tackles the Invisible Man, Space Aliens, and other infamous frights. Further scary topics include romantic misunderstandings, macho insecurities, & diminishing dignity. 

I also fixed the problem mentioned in my blog post: "The Writing Nightmare".

From dark humor to zany, from highbrow to slapstick, author/comedian Dean Burkey creates comical escapades with two dozen plus short stories/essays starting with the title piece about a wacky world indeed and ending with two scientists striving to discover the secret to comedy.

Between these entertaining tales, fast-food’s melodramatic, thugs peg the voice of a cartoon mouse as an informant, zombies eat bacon, Einstein offers fitness advice, a tight-rope walker in distress learns an insight into himself at the worst possible time, John Napier discovers the decimal point, and much more.

Take a stress break, a mini-vacation; and let yourself embrace the bizarre, the comical, the wacky worlds of “Seasons Without Reason”, “Fast Food Follies”, “The Mouse that Squeaked”, “Breakfast of the Living Dead”, “Exercise = MC2”, “Turning Point”, “We Get the Point!”, “Woo-Hoo! Happy Birthday to Me!”, “Are Aliens from a Superior Race Stealing Our Laundry?”, “The Five Stages of Grief for Burnt Waffles”, “My Stolen Step-Ins”, “The Twelve-Step Program for People with Overdue Library Books”, “Brat-Sitter”, “How to Sell Lots and Lots of Angel Scout Cookies”, “Origins of Golf Lingo”, “Catch 23”, “First Fight”, “Philosophy of Chips”, “You Look Tasty!”, “No Deposit, ...”, “Cannibal Conundrum”, “Seven Dozen and Three Years Ago”, “Origins of Stand-Up Comedy Lingo”, “A Dribble Glass Can Be a Beautiful Thing”, “Art Schmart”, and “The Secret to Comedy”.

From the author of "Monster Laughs" and "Seasons Without Reason" comes a delightfully funny novella about modern romance and the various means men use to avoid long-term entanglements.

For the shallow of soul and faint of heart, no phrase frightens more than "till death does us part". Or so thinks Dennis Peterson whose fear of commitment so clouds his judgment that he fanatically follows his friend Buddy's bad advice which, unbeknownst to him, was given in jest: "If you're so afraid of making a lifelong commitment, find a woman with a short life span. Someone hot. With only a little while to live."

Men make their means of avoiding romantic entanglements, but their methods soon backfire. Do you want someone to love? Or just some body? To avoid needless heartache and other unwanted complications, make sure you know your way out, before you enter into anything. Especially love.

In "Exit Strategies", Dean pokes fun at love, romance, and all their heartache and stress. While still a comedy, this one gets more serious than the other two. More romantic too. PG-13. While the other two are free from foul language, this book uses the same word the King James Version of The Bible uses for donkey.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: 

Born backwards on Christmas Eve, author/comedian Dean Burkey has always viewed the world from a different angle. A lifelong student of comedy, he finds humor in the strangest situations to create exciting and comical adventures. He enjoys performing improv comedy with the ImprovAddicts.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

"Holy Laughter! Humor in the Bible" and "Faith like a Ketchup Seed" are still only $2.99 each. 

* Click the Free Kindle Reading Apps banner above to be able to read Kindle books without having to buy a Kindle!

An Inconvenient Fiction

“An Inconvenient Fiction”

With zeal and fervor akin to Jor-El trying to save Krypton from destruction, a certain former vice president allegorically championed the need to thwart global warming in his documentary “An Inconvenient Truth”. Unfortunately, the basis for the problem’s cause should be dubbed “An Inconvenient Fiction”. 

While he fervently blames the Earth’s increased temperatures on climate change, the actual cause is something else, something so obvious to everyone else: 

Terra-forming by space aliens! 


In preparation for their attack, when they will colonize the Earth and turn us into dust, slaves, or snacks. 

Of course, when I said this is obvious to everyone else, by everyone else, I meant subscribers to the Syfy Channel. 

So feel free to keep the refrigerator door open longer; and roll down your car windows when the air is on. Empty your ice chest outside too. Only by doing so can we help lower the Earth’s temperature; and thwart the space aliens’ attempts to hijack our favorite planet. 

Don’t forget to wrap your head in aluminum foil, so those intergalactic fiends can’t read your mind. Otherwise, no one else in the field of extra-terrestrial relations will take you seriously. 

The pinwheel hat is optional. 

As is the lobster bib with the flying saucer insignia. 

Admittedly, the red cape serves no useful function. It’s just fun. Especially when used in conjunction with the aforementioned pinwheel hat. 

Live long and prosper. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

The Writing Nightmare

The Writing Nightmare

Photo by Daniel Terry.

Writing a blog post about nightmares (see The Worst Nightmares Ever), reminded me of the Godzilla dream that inspired the department store scene in the Space Alien chapter of Monster Laughs, which got me to thinking: How does the Mystery Hunter get his trench coat and fedora back? Thus, while writing about nightmares, I uncovered a writing nightmare! 

Here’s the paragraph from page 180: 

Having switched clothes with a mannequin during my delightful conversation with the young screamer, I ducked under the sales counter.  A second later, a big blue hand reached into the store and grabbed the mannequin.  

You see? The giant alien grabs the Mystery Hunter’s clothes, which would be more than just his trench coat and fedora. 

Page 181 has this short paragraph: 

I removed my fancy fedora and nodded.  

So how did he get his outfit back? 

What if he doesn’t use his own outfit? Since his trench coat’s akin to Batman’s utility belt, he wouldn’t want to separate himself from his assortment of gadgets. 

Having dressed a mannequin with an outfit similar to mine during my delightful conversation with the young screamer, I ducked under the sales counter.  A second later, a big blue hand reached into the store and grabbed the mannequin.  

That should work. So if you hurry, you might be able to order a rare copy with the previous paragraph, before the change gets made. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

The Worst Nightmares Ever

The Worst Nightmares Ever

Some nightmares are fun, 

because they’re so exciting. 

Especially if they have cool plot twists 

I can apply to my writing. 

Like the time Godzilla chased me. Yes, a monster the size of a skyscraper! And yet that little bit of horror inspired the department store scene in the Space Alien chapter of Monster Laughs. 

Being chased by monsters or other scary beings can be frightening, to be sure, especially when Venom comes after you, even if you are Spider-Man, but to me, the worst nightmares ever are when I’m the monster. Not literally. But metaphorically. Although I was the Hulk once or twice. (Back when the TV show was on.) 

I dread dreams where I’m mean. I hate to think such evil lurks inside me. Worse yet, that I would ever let it out. 

Last night I dreamt I called someone I love very dearly a naughty name and then screamed, “I hate you!” (It’s not a word that would ever be bleeped, but it’s insulting just the same. The insult didn’t even fit the person to whom it was addressed, but I felt angry.) 

I’ve even died in a dream before. (I know you’re not supposed to, but I did.) My chute didn’t open. I landed in Lake Bentley; and piranha attacked me. I’d say that’s fatal. But even that wasn’t as bad a dream as me being mean. 

I dreamt I was working late, writing well into the night. Only I still lived in the house where I grew up. I made sure I stayed quiet, so I wouldn’t wake up everyone else. At some point, I couldn’t read my clock; and I was curious about the time, so I got up to look at a clock in another room. I wondered how late it was. Lo, and behold, it was only 6 pm. Not only that, there was a big pool party going on! So I got mad that I wasn’t invited to a party at my own house. 
That’s the gist of it. 

I had the Venom dream over a decade ago. Before Spider-Man 3 came out. Even before Spider-Man 1 came out. After my appendix burst, I stayed with my parents to recover. While staying there, I dreamt I was Spider-Man. Venom chased me. We both climbed walls, shot webs, and swung around, which was cool. We were at a hospital. Bob Hope and Brooke Shields were both in the dream too. So as scary as Venom’s relentless assault was, that dream was too cool to be called a nightmare. 

I’m Spider-Man; and Brooke Shields is there, what more does any dreamer want? Having Bob Hope present only added to the fun. Venom just made things exciting. 

May all your dreams be sweet! And may you be a superhero, not a villain, not only in your dreams, but in your waking hours too.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

The Comedic Power of the Misplaced Pause

The Comedic Power 

of the Misplaced Pause

In church today, the Bible Reader read like so from 1 John 5:10 (ESV):

“Whoever does not believe 

… God has made him a liar”; 

which sounds like God made the person a liar! 

Should read: 

“Whoever does not believe God 

… has made him [God] a liar”. 

Which is the opposite! 

One line on the back of a business card a friend gave me says: 

All sales support reputable global human trafficking

And then the next line says: 

Prevention & Rescue Organizations! 

Thus, the sales support the prevention of, and rescue from, human trafficking. Which is the opposite of what you think when you read the first line. (Of course, as she explained, when I pointed that out to her, she only hands out those cards after giving a talk on that subject, so maybe I’m the only one who would read it that way. But since I read it that way; and then the Bible Reader read the way he did this morning, I felt I should post on that subject. No offense intended to the Bible Reader or the card carrier. I’m just pointing out how easily a misplaced pause can cause confusion, which can create comedy too.) 

I thought this would make an interesting eulogy for a dearly departed, elderly church woman: 

“And, of course, as you may know, 

we were lovers. 

… Passionate lovers. 

… Of God’s Word.” 

The first two actually happened this weekend. The third one I made up. The comedienne who made a career out of funny pauses is Wendy Liebman. 

Wendy Liebman: 

“Like a lot of secretaries I practically ran the company 

. . . into the ground.” 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wendy_Liebman says this: “Wendy Liebman (born February 27, 1961 in Manhasset, New York) is an American stand-up comedian known for her distinctive style which includes quick, clever follow-ups after her jokes. She starts the joke leading it to one direction then changes it. As in ‘This Thanksgiving I made a 28 pound turkey ... pot pie,’ or ‘I really like to shop....lift.’” 

I was busy last week putting together a comedy set I performed this past Friday, so I didn’t have time to post much. The show went great. I’ll probably post more about it. I want to see the footage from it first.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

Full Psych Theme Song with 3 Verses!

Full Psych Theme Song with 3 Verses!

Uploaded by StreaminGarage on Dec 22, 2010

That's a "live" version, click here for the studio version:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojVryI6rgjo

Uploaded by hl6466 on Jan 2, 2012

"I Know You Know"

(A.k.a. The "Psych" Theme Song)

Music and Lyrics written by Steve Franks.

Performed by Friendly Indians.

Verse 1
In between the lines there's a lot of obscurity
I'm not inclined to resign to maturity
If it's alright, then you're all wrong
But why bounce around to the same down song

Verse to Chorus Transition
You'd rather run when you can't crawl

Chorus
I know you know that I'm not telling the truth
I know you know they just don't have any proof
Embrace the deception, learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end

Verse 2
In the realm of compliments there isn't any higher
than a fabricated misdirection fashioned by a liar
You think you hate all that you love
Acting so surprised when it fits you like a glove

Verse 3
You want to find the answers and I offer a solution
The happy one has got a dose of healthy disillusion
If it's a game they want to play
Better load the dice 'cause they'll do it anyway

Verse to Chorus Transition
You'd rather run when you can't crawl

Chorus
I know you know that I'm not telling the truth
I know you know they just don't have any proof
Embrace the deception, learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end

Ending
I know you know
I know you know
I know you know
I know you know

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

Funny Thing Is ...

Funny Thing Is ...

There are two things you need to know about me, two very important things: One, I always mean well. Two, most of what I say is meant to be funny. And three, sometimes I say more than I should. 

My top two favorite TV shows are both about fake psychics. (Psych and The Mentalist.) What does that say about me? I think we’re all posers, painfully aware of the Grand Illusion? Or I just enjoy entertaining shows with captivating characters, clever mysteries, and hilarious humor. 

I went to an art celebration last weekend. Part of the fun was a photo room with a starry backdrop and a table of props. So I dressed up and posed to play along. Being careful to wear a mask! Don’t want people to see me looking silly. But wearing a mask doesn’t do any good when you get tagged on Facebook! I wonder if that ever happened to Batman.

If any one of three certain women ever proposed to me, I would say, “Yes.” But I’d never propose to any of them, because one’s engaged, one’s dating a cop, and one’s an imaginary Martian named Matilda. 

Okay, two out of three. ‘Cause I’d propose to Matilda. Antennas turn me on! (Plus, she’s invisible and may be looking over my shoulder right now, so I have to say whatever makes her happy.) 

(Funny Thing Is ... Although she’s an imaginary being from a supposedly superior race, she can’t read inside parentheses. Must be a Martian thing.)

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey