Jacko, Elvis, and The Albino Bigfoot

Jacko, Elvis, 

and The Albino Bigfoot*

Photo Source: **

While waiting for the download of a lengthy, but vital, video about how to defeat a certain Reptilian Race of Space Aliens (as explained in my previous blog: As You Celebrate Independence Day, Ask Yourself This:). Or it may have been an insightful documentary about mud-wrestling supermodels. 

Either way, I found myself with time to kill, so I did what I always like to do in such situations. Maybe you do the same thing too. I’m sure everybody does this. ... 

I opened a portal to another dimension. 

Some people hijack UFOs. 

Others plunge through wormholes (which I find to be too tiny). 

But I just used a bobby pin to attach a rubber band to a particle accelerator, twisted the band real tight, and let her whirl! 

And maybe I attached some high-grade plutonium I borrowed from MacDill Air Force Base, but I admit nothing. 

Especially since I plan to return it. 

Eventually.  

Okay, it’s not always another dimension. Sometimes it’s glimpses of our own world. So I’m not sure if this was our world. Or another. But here’s what I found: 

Jacko hiking across the Himalayas with Elvis and the Abominable Snowman. 

A.k.a. The Albino Bigfoot. 

That is, the Abominable Snowman is also known as the Albino Bigfoot, not Elvis. 

Or maybe Elvis is the Abominable Snowman! 

That would explain a lot.

Like, why is the Abominable Snowman always humming and shaking his right leg? 

And why does his breath always wreak of peanut butter banana sandwiches? 

Photo Source: http://www.scaryforkids.com/yeti/

Yet he would be a little less abominable if he ate Altoids or chewed Eclipse gum. 

That is, the Abominable Snowman, not Elvis. 

Although at his age, even Elvis should chomp on some Dentyne to mask his denture stench.

Elvis being the Abominable Snowman would also explain the Albino Bigfoot’s mysterious Southern accent and his pronounced proclivity for gratitude, as he’s often quoted as saying: “Thank you. Thank you very much.” 

With Jacko tagging along, I now know how the Abominable Snowman learned the Moonwalk. 

Silly yeti! He almost fell off a couple cliffs dancing backwards so much. Obviously trying to impress Jacko. 

Which also explains why the Abominable Snowman kept saying the word Thriller.

Seriously, if he wasn’t growling, he was saying this is a Thriller; and that’s a Thriller. Doesn’t he know that if everything’s thrilling, nothing is thrilling? 

Photo Source: http://teambluesteelcyclery.blogspot.com/

In the meantime, I’ll have to get my multi-dimensional portal fixed. Something’s wrong with the Locator Device. I wasn’t supposed to locate Jacko, Elvis, and the Albino Bigfoot; I was supposed to find Emma Stone, Rachel Bilson, and the Loch Ness Monster.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

* This is a work of humor/parody. (I have to say that or I might get sued by the Albino Bigfoot.)

** Photo Sources: My sampling of http://modernmarketingjapan.blogspot.com/2011/06/stunning-revelation-tokyo-man-grows.html, http://www.michael-jackson-photos.com/, and http://elvis-presley-fanclub.blogspot.com/2010_08_01_archive.html.

COMING MONDAY: Eyewitness Proof That Life Existed on Other Planets!


COMING WEDNESDAY: Why I Should Be a Billionaire


COMING FRIDAY: Getting Ready for the End of the World

ABC’s Winning Formula & The CW’s Trick

ABC’s Winning Formula 

& The CW’s Trick

Have a hot-looking, evil, older woman with dark hair be the nemesis of a younger, kinder, courageous blonde beauty. 


ABC uses this winning formula for various new shows, such as the fantastical “Once Upon a Time”, the all-too realistic “Revenge”, and the funny, but only slightly exaggerated from being all-too realistic too, “Don’t Trust the B* in Apartment 23”. 

The CW’s trick? 


Make their hot girls sweat in the print ads. 


Did I say sweat? I meant perspire. Glow. 


No, sweat sounds about right. Look at their ads for Hart of Dixie and The Vampire Diaries. 


For them to get a hit show, they could just have Rachel Bilson sitting on a sofa, knitting. 


Maybe have her knit a pink sweater. That would be hot; right? 


And break the air conditioner. 


She could drop the yarn now and then. 


Even if she only told Knock-Knock Jokes, she’d get an emmy. 


I’d say “Who’s there?” a hundred times a day, if it would make her smile. 


But that’s just me. I’m all about making others happy. Especially supermodels. They need happiness too. And no one ever thinks about their needs. 


What? Peter had his ministry to the Judeans; Paul to the Gentiles; my outreach is to the supermodels and hot actresses. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

* I think the B stands for Benefactor. People don’t trust Benefactors as much as they used to.