by
Dean Burkey
These two Joan Rivers walk into a bar ...
How many Joan Rivers does it take
to screw in a light bulb ...
A preacher, a priest, and a rabbi
are on Joan Rivers ...
To quote President Obama:
"Let me be clear."
These aren't jokes about Joan Rivers,
but by Joan Rivers.
So please enjoy these
Funny Joan Rivers Jokes:
"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself,
after all,
you could be missing out on the joke of the century."
Dean Burkey
These two Joan Rivers walk into a bar ...
How many Joan Rivers does it take
to screw in a light bulb ...
A preacher, a priest, and a rabbi
are on Joan Rivers ...
To quote President Obama:
"Let me be clear."
These aren't jokes about Joan Rivers,
but by Joan Rivers.
So please enjoy these
Funny Joan Rivers Jokes:
"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself,
after all,
you could be missing out on the joke of the century."
"I was born in 1962.
And the room next to me was 1963."
"I knew I was an unwanted baby
when I saw that my bath toys
were a toaster and a radio."
"My earliest childhood memory
was watching my parents
loosen the wheels on my stroller."
"My mother never told me a thing.
I asked my mother,
'Where am I from?'
She gave me a fake address in Cleveland."
"Every time I did something bad,
my mother would say,
'How could you?
After all the sacrifices I've made for you.'
And she did.
Once a week she would kill a chicken
in front of my photograph."
"People say that money is not the key to happiness,
but I always figured if you have enough money,
you can have a key made."
"I don’t exercise.
If God wanted me to bend over,
He would have put diamonds on the floor."
"I’m no cook;
when I want lemon on chicken,
I spray it with Pledge."
"On my wedding night,
I should have known better
than to wear a nightgown with feet."
"I was dating a transvestite;
and my mother said,
'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'''
"A man can sleep around,
no questions asked.
But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes,
she's a tramp."
"California is druggy, druggy, druggy.
If it is white and it is on the table,
they are gonna sniff it.
I have a friend who O.D.ed
in the beauty shop on dandruff."
"Peeping Toms look at my window
and pull down the shade."
"I never get tired of housework.
I don't do any.
When guests come to visit,
I just put out drop cloths
and say we're painting."
"The one thing women don't want to find
in their stockings on Christmas morning
is their husband."
"My husband wanted to be cremated.
I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus.
That way, I'd visit him every day."
"I said to my husband,
my boobs have gone,
my stomach's gone,
say something nice about my legs.
He said,
'Blue goes with everything.'"
"Trust your husband;
adore your husband;
and get as much as you can in your own name."
"I got a waterbed,
but my husband stocked it with trout."
And the room next to me was 1963."
"I knew I was an unwanted baby
when I saw that my bath toys
were a toaster and a radio."
"My earliest childhood memory
was watching my parents
loosen the wheels on my stroller."
"My mother never told me a thing.
I asked my mother,
'Where am I from?'
She gave me a fake address in Cleveland."
Joan Rivers on "The Ed Sullivan Show"
Uploaded on Aug 24, 2009 by
"Every time I did something bad,
my mother would say,
'How could you?
After all the sacrifices I've made for you.'
And she did.
Once a week she would kill a chicken
in front of my photograph."
"People say that money is not the key to happiness,
but I always figured if you have enough money,
you can have a key made."
"I don’t exercise.
If God wanted me to bend over,
He would have put diamonds on the floor."
"I’m no cook;
when I want lemon on chicken,
I spray it with Pledge."
"On my wedding night,
I should have known better
than to wear a nightgown with feet."
Joan Rivers - Stand up comedy, 1974
Uploaded on Aug 31, 2011 by
"I was dating a transvestite;
and my mother said,
'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'''
"A man can sleep around,
no questions asked.
But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes,
she's a tramp."
"California is druggy, druggy, druggy.
If it is white and it is on the table,
they are gonna sniff it.
I have a friend who O.D.ed
in the beauty shop on dandruff."
"Peeping Toms look at my window
and pull down the shade."
"I never get tired of housework.
I don't do any.
When guests come to visit,
I just put out drop cloths
and say we're painting."
Joan Rivers stand-up Tonight Show
- hilarious monologue 2 - 1984
Uploaded on Apr 28, 2009 by
"The one thing women don't want to find
in their stockings on Christmas morning
is their husband."
"My husband wanted to be cremated.
I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus.
That way, I'd visit him every day."
"I said to my husband,
my boobs have gone,
my stomach's gone,
say something nice about my legs.
He said,
'Blue goes with everything.'"
"Trust your husband;
adore your husband;
and get as much as you can in your own name."
"I got a waterbed,
but my husband stocked it with trout."
Joan Rivers: Don't Start With Me - Trailer
Published on Dec 22, 2012 by
"You know you’ve reached middle age
when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor,
instead of by the police."
"You know you’re getting old
when work is a lot less fun;
and fun is a lot more work."
"I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year!
My makeup team is nominated for Best Special Effects."
"Looking 50 is great
... if you're 60."
"At my age,
an affair of the heart is a bypass!"
Please Note:
Some of the language in the following video may be considered offensive.
Joan Rivers LIVE in Atlanta!
Published on Jul 1, 2013 by
"I wish I had a twin,
so I could know what I'd look like
without plastic surgery."
"My best birth control now is
to just leave the lights on."
"The fashion magazines are suggesting
that women wear clothes that are age appropriate
… for me that would be a shroud."
"I've had so much plastic surgery,
when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."
"At my funeral,
I want Meryl Streep crying
in five different accents."
Thank you Joan Rivers
for all the laughs!
Rest In Peace.
For More About Joan Rivers,
Check Out My Previous Post:
Can We Talk?
Remembering Joan Rivers
2010: Joan Rivers on being a comedian
Published on Sep 4, 2014 by
Come Back Wednesday, September 10, 2014
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