Sunday, June 22, 2014

Super Me!


Super Me!

Super Me! 
Yes, Super Me 
with amazing Me powers 
far beyond those of mere mortal men. 

 I noticed how skinny I started looking 
due to excessive stress resulting 
from family related issues, 
where my folks turned me over to the feds 
for masterminding a brilliant multi-bank heist, 
which would’ve worked perfectly, 
if only the batteries 
in my remote control detonating device 
had lasted a second or so longer. 

My parents probably wouldn’t’ve ratted me out, 
if I’d given them a bigger cut of the take. 
But hey, 
I’ve got my principles. 
The getaway driver never gets more than fifteen percent. 
... Or is that the hairstylist? 

 There’s so much to think about 
when planning a multi-bank heist!  

 After eating the undercooked breakfast burrito 
in the detainees’ café 
at the secret underground government facility 
where I was taken for questioning, 
I found myself unable 
to keep down solid foods for several weeks. 

 So upon securing my parole, 
meaning having escaped, 
I decided to make a smoothie 
that would not only satiate my appetite, 
but also give me super powers. 

 Which was why I went ahead 
and invented a Super Soldier Formula, 
similar to what the army used 
to create Captain America 
in World Disagreement Two. 
(Watch Now on Amazon Instant Video)

 With the aid of a particle accelerator, 
DNA rewriting agent, 
and a hefty dose of purloined plutonium, 
I made sure my concoction would be even more powerful. 
Not only would my muscle mass increase immensely, 
my strength would increase exponentially, 
which, truth be told, 
defies some of the basic so-called “laws” of physics. 

 Plus, my cognitive abilities would multiply as well. 
Even my heart would grow. 
To the extent that, 
instead of not giving a crap all the time, 
I would, from time to time, give a crap. 

 But only if the person truly deserves 
being given a crap. 

 My immediate induction 
into the Superhero Hall of Fame seemed ensured! 
Until, ... 

 While busy pondering my superhero name 
-- Captain Multiverse, 
Super Dude, 
King Sweet Cheeks -- 
I accidentally knocked over the vial of serum, 
spilling it all over my desk. 

 Whereupon the formerly frail wooden furniture 
suddenly increased in mass and broke my pinky toe. 

 Although I only had to enough make that one batch, 
I still got a new name. ...  
Captain Busted Pinky Toe. 

 But that name might change soon, 
since a drop or two of the serum landed on an ant 
as the tiny insect and his cohorts devoured a crumb 
from yet another undercooked breakfast burrito. 

My potential new name? 
Purina Ant Chow. 

 The ant grew the size of a dump truck. 
With courageousness and clarity of thought, 
I called the Marines and SWAT. 

 Unfortunately, 
that ant was a queen ant, 
a winged queen ant, 
so it flew away before the authorities arrived. 
Assessing the damage, 
they accused me of domestic terrorism, 
even though it was my own house, 
um, hideout, 
er, secret lair, 
that got destroyed. 

 Didn’t help my case one iota, 
having a glowing chunk of plutonium 
on a nearby night stand. 

Sensing how a return visit 
to their secret underground government facility 
wouldn’t bode well, 
especially since they boarded up my escape route. 
(The Old Climb Out The Storm Cellar Trick.) 
So I pled insanity. 
And sadly, 
no one questioned that diagnosis. 

 The consensus response was: 
“Yeah, okay. That makes sense.”

My next post may be delayed, 
depending on whether or not 
the Maximum Security Asylum has free Wi-Fi. 

 Oh, wait! 
Never mind. 
Looks like this place has a storm cellar. 

 And by the way, 
Hannibal the Cannibal says hi. 

 Until next time, be safe. 
And may all your breakfast burritos 
be thoroughly cooked. 

Antboy Official Trailer (HD) Superhero, Comedy

Published on Nov 5, 2013 by

 Author Unkown:
(From: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/superherojokes.html)
How many caped crusaders 
does it take to change a light-bulb? 
... None. They like the dark.  

 Ray Divine: 
Superheroes teach important lessons. 
Like fight for justice. 
Popeye taught us to eat our spinach. 
Wonder Woman taught women 
that if you want a guy to tell you the truth, 
tie him up and show him some cleavage. 

 Dean Burkey: 
The one thing that doesn’t make sense about comic book superheroes is this: 
Why doesn’t the Hulk wear stretchy pants? 

 Mitch Hedberg: 
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal; 
and he shot me with his web, 
I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.” 

 Steven Wright: 
Half the people you know are below average. 
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