Research has shown that red raspberries
can help with weight loss,
especially when paired with
regular exercise and a healthy diet.
Well, duh!
Anything* can help you lose weight
when paired with regular exercise and a healthy diet.
“Since you want to lose weight,
eat this piece of organic chalk;
run three miles;
and then eat a bowl of spinach.”
I call that The Chalk Diet.
Which I named after Dr. Jonas Chalk.
The American Diet’s so bad,
that in a mad attempt to make us eat right,
they’ve got to trick us into eating vitamins.
First,
they tried using cartoon characters
like the Flintstones and Spider-Man.
And they made them chewable,
so we wouldn’t think we’re popping pills.
When that stopped working,
they turned the vitamins into candy.
We Americans won’t eat nutrients to save our lives.
But we will eat Gummy bears.
Of course,
The Chalk Diet comes in real handy
when you have to eat your words.
Especially with a Graham cracker chalkboard.
* That’s called hyperbole. Possibly sarcasm. I.e., it’s just a joke. Don’t eat just anything! The author and website expressly disclaim any liability for any special, incidental, or consequential damages, including without limitation, lost revenues, lost profits, or lost lunches, resulting from the use or misuse of the information contained herein. This blog makes no claims, promises, or guarantees. This blog is not intended as a substitute for the nutritional advice of dietitians. You should seek the services of a competent professional before beginning any improvement program; and not make the mistake of taking a joke too seriously. And organic or not, I wouldn’t eat chalk.
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Alvin Williams:
Chris Rock:
People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, “Red meat will kill you”? Don’t eat no red meat? No, don’t eat no green meat! If you’re one of the chosen few people in the world lucky enough to get your hands on a steak,
bite the $#@% out of it!
Jerry Seinfeld:
Have you ever noticed that
the waiter who takes your order
is not the one who brings your food anymore?
What is that about?
And which waiter are you tipping, anyway?
I think that next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say,
“Oh, sorry, I only eat the food.
The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”
Dean Burkey:
I’m on the Whatever I Want Diet.
It’s a great diet. I eat whatever I want.
Doesn’t help me lose weight, but I feel happy.
And in the end, isn’t that what really counts?
Besides, most people will allow you
those few to several extra pounds,
as long as you’re jolly.
Mitch Hedberg:
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says
it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper.
Well, then they screwed up!
Steven Wright:
My dental hygienist is cute.
Every time I visit,
I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies
while waiting in the lobby.
Sometimes she has to cancel
the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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