Now’s your chance to ask those questions that have puzzled you and caused you such great consternation. No need to feel perplexed! No more having to furrow your brow in wonder. Simply ask; and all your questions will be answered. All of them! Unless you ask something personal, morally offensive, or for which I can’t make up an answer.
For example:
Why did Nimrod build the tower of Babel?
So he could stay high and dry in case God decided to flood the world again. Silly Nimrod, God said He wouldn't do that again. Maybe that's why we call people who behave silly "Nimrod". That's actually true. (Josephus will back me up on this.)
You see? Your question might actually get answered.
I can hardly wait. What about you? You don't have to wait. Go ahead and ask!
Please remember: Don't ask anything personal, morally offensive, or for which I can’t make up an answer. Also, the question doesn't have to be funny. Just ask what you want to know.
Oh yes; and don't ask me to reveal or alter the future. I'm not allowed to do that. I'm not saying I don't. But I'm not supposed to. Remember the devastation caused by World War 3? Of course, you don't. Because I stopped that. Or at least delayed the inevitable. And yes, it was dangerous. And you're welcome.
Blessings & Joy,
Dean
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
How to Make Toast
Since both my sister and my sister-in-law have popular cooking blogs, I thought I'd boost my readership by offering a recipe too. Thus, today’s post:
“How to Make Toast”
The key component to creating a great slice of toast involves bread selection. If you plop a stale, moldy slice into the toaster, don’t expect partakers of your culinary creations to request seconds. I suggest whole-grain, not just because the Illuminati uses enriched flour to malign the health of the masses as part of their depopulation agenda, but because I prefer the all-natural taste. Whole grains taste better than agent orange. I recommend a brand which wraps its bread in two bags. Makes for a little bit of extra work, but certainly feels fancy-schmancy.
The second key component involves toaster choice. You can buy a cheaper toaster, but you’ll end up eating cheaper-tasting toast. You don’t need the Mercedes Benz of toasters, but do avoid the Yugo too.
Now that you've taken care of the two key components, here is the recipe for toast:
1. Remove a slice or two of bread from the, hopefully double-wrapped, bag of bread. (If you bought the stretch Hummer of toasters, you may remove up to sixteen slices.)
2. Place the slice(s) of bread into the individual slot(s) of the toaster. (If you want only one slice of toast, choose wisely. Or why not skip toast all together and have a bowl of cereal. You’re in such a big hurry you can’t eat two slices? Organize your appointments. Take some time for yourself. Learn to say no.)
3. Select your desired setting. (The third key component!) I suggest starting with 2.4. You can toast again if that’s not toasty enough, but you can’t untoast if you burn your bread. (1.8 wastes everyone’s time. Might as well eat a stale slice of raw toast, ‘cause that’s what it’ll taste like. Sans the moldy hue. 3.3 is preferable, but with your first slice, you want to make sure your model of toaster doesn’t scorch at that setting.)
4. Pull down the starter latch. This is when the culinary magic happens!
5. Wait for the toast to cook. Waiting doesn’t have to be passive. You can finally get to work on cleaning the knickknack drawer. Seriously, how many rubber bands do you need? Are you expecting a rubber famine? Forget the drawer, what you need with all those rubber bands and paper clips is none of my business. Instead, use the toasting time to prepare a tasty beverage to accompany your forthcoming serving of toast. I suggest a tasty hot tea. Fruit juice seems like a logical choice, but juice and dairy are more means used by the Illuminati to weaken the masses. The juice leads to diabetes; and the dairy, to heart disease. If you enjoy unsweetened herbal tea, the Illuminati won’t be able to profit from your ill health. Unless you smoke, drink, or drive like a maniac.
6. Ding! Remove the toast from the toaster. Butter and jelly to taste. (The fourth and fifth key components.) Don’t overdo either the butter or the jelly, or the Illuminati wins.
7. Serve warm.
Enjoy!
If you try this recipe, please leave a comment to let me know how your toast turns out.
For French folks wanting to make eggy toast, disregard this recipe, since following these instructions will ruin the toaster and may short-circuit the house. Or so I’ve heard.
Obviously, any references to the Illuminati are fictional, since they do not exist. Right guys? So there’s no need for a fictional group to send an assassin squad to shut me up like you did with JFK and MJ, or you’ll only prove your existence. Thus, your best bet is to protect me. Preferably with a bodyguard who looks likes the brunette from that skin cream commercial.
And remember, eat toast responsibly. Don’t blame me if the carbs inflate you like a balloon or the crumbs on the kitchen floor attract rodents and other unwanted pests, like bill collectors and assassin squads.
Blessings & Joy,
Dean
(Or Max Burnbottom if you’re part of an assassin squad;
Max is the one you want, not me!)
“How to Make Toast”
The key component to creating a great slice of toast involves bread selection. If you plop a stale, moldy slice into the toaster, don’t expect partakers of your culinary creations to request seconds. I suggest whole-grain, not just because the Illuminati uses enriched flour to malign the health of the masses as part of their depopulation agenda, but because I prefer the all-natural taste. Whole grains taste better than agent orange. I recommend a brand which wraps its bread in two bags. Makes for a little bit of extra work, but certainly feels fancy-schmancy.
The second key component involves toaster choice. You can buy a cheaper toaster, but you’ll end up eating cheaper-tasting toast. You don’t need the Mercedes Benz of toasters, but do avoid the Yugo too.
Now that you've taken care of the two key components, here is the recipe for toast:
1. Remove a slice or two of bread from the, hopefully double-wrapped, bag of bread. (If you bought the stretch Hummer of toasters, you may remove up to sixteen slices.)
2. Place the slice(s) of bread into the individual slot(s) of the toaster. (If you want only one slice of toast, choose wisely. Or why not skip toast all together and have a bowl of cereal. You’re in such a big hurry you can’t eat two slices? Organize your appointments. Take some time for yourself. Learn to say no.)
3. Select your desired setting. (The third key component!) I suggest starting with 2.4. You can toast again if that’s not toasty enough, but you can’t untoast if you burn your bread. (1.8 wastes everyone’s time. Might as well eat a stale slice of raw toast, ‘cause that’s what it’ll taste like. Sans the moldy hue. 3.3 is preferable, but with your first slice, you want to make sure your model of toaster doesn’t scorch at that setting.)
4. Pull down the starter latch. This is when the culinary magic happens!
5. Wait for the toast to cook. Waiting doesn’t have to be passive. You can finally get to work on cleaning the knickknack drawer. Seriously, how many rubber bands do you need? Are you expecting a rubber famine? Forget the drawer, what you need with all those rubber bands and paper clips is none of my business. Instead, use the toasting time to prepare a tasty beverage to accompany your forthcoming serving of toast. I suggest a tasty hot tea. Fruit juice seems like a logical choice, but juice and dairy are more means used by the Illuminati to weaken the masses. The juice leads to diabetes; and the dairy, to heart disease. If you enjoy unsweetened herbal tea, the Illuminati won’t be able to profit from your ill health. Unless you smoke, drink, or drive like a maniac.
6. Ding! Remove the toast from the toaster. Butter and jelly to taste. (The fourth and fifth key components.) Don’t overdo either the butter or the jelly, or the Illuminati wins.
7. Serve warm.
Enjoy!
If you try this recipe, please leave a comment to let me know how your toast turns out.
For French folks wanting to make eggy toast, disregard this recipe, since following these instructions will ruin the toaster and may short-circuit the house. Or so I’ve heard.
Obviously, any references to the Illuminati are fictional, since they do not exist. Right guys? So there’s no need for a fictional group to send an assassin squad to shut me up like you did with JFK and MJ, or you’ll only prove your existence. Thus, your best bet is to protect me. Preferably with a bodyguard who looks likes the brunette from that skin cream commercial.
And remember, eat toast responsibly. Don’t blame me if the carbs inflate you like a balloon or the crumbs on the kitchen floor attract rodents and other unwanted pests, like bill collectors and assassin squads.
Blessings & Joy,
Dean
(Or Max Burnbottom if you’re part of an assassin squad;
Max is the one you want, not me!)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
The Easiest Jokes to Write! (Part 2)
Tom Swifties!
(A.k.a. Adverbial Puns)
A sentence ending with an adverb ending in -ly that creates humor via a play on words. The adverb provides the Punchline.
End a sentence with an adverb ending in -ly that creates a wordplay on the rest of the sentence. The sentence is the Setup; and the -ly adverb is the Punchline.
Fill in the blanks:
“_____,” he said _____ly.
The first blank is a statement made by the speaker; and the second blank is an adverb ending in -ly which not only describes how the statement was said, but relates to what was said using a witty wordplay.
* “I have an idea,” beamed Edison brightly.
Thomas Edison invented the light bulb; and the cliché in cartoons is to have a light bulb appear over someone’s head when he has a “bright” idea. The adverb brightly can mean lots of light, as in with the aid of a light bulb, or cheerfully. Thus, the play on words. Same with the verb beam.
Although deemed Adverbial Puns, Tom Swifties can be created with other words instead, like clever verbs, nouns, or adjectives. Same format: Start with a statement and end with a word that fits the sentence structure, but still creates a wordplay.
* “Turns out we have only seven weeks left of school instead of eight,” the teacher recounted.
The verb recount means to tell a story or to count again.
* “Don’t worry woman, I’ll put you back together,” was his reassuring rejoinder.
The noun rejoinder sounds like the phrase “rejoined her”.
* “I go great with ketchup and mustard,” said the hot dog being frank.
The adjective frank means forthright, but being short for frankfurter, frank is also another word for a hot dog.
Think of how words sound. Not just what they mean, but how they sound. Once you find a word that sounds like something different than itself, write the sentence (Setup) to support that word being the Punchline. And, of course, put the Punchline at the end.
Studying Tom Swifties will show you the various ways to construct them. Once you understand the concept, you should be able to write Tom Swifties swiftly.
* “Make adverbial puns,” said Tom swiftly.
I figured out a new way to write Tom Swifties! You make both the verb for speaking and the adverb fit the situation to create a double whammy.
* “This is the best sports car for zooming down highways,” he expressed jaggedly. -- Expressed for expressway; and jaggedly for Jaguar.
* “My car doesn’t even have a ding,” he buffed recklessly. -- Buffed for removing dings; and recklessly for having less, or no, wrecks.
The best way to write these super fast is to Google an list of adverbs and write whatever funny ideas come to mind.
Although with a little practice, these become easier to write, don't overuse them. Use them every now and then to see if anyone catches them.
Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey
This post was adapted and excerpted from my book “How to Write All Kinds of Comedy Jokes!”
(A.k.a. Adverbial Puns)
A sentence ending with an adverb ending in -ly that creates humor via a play on words. The adverb provides the Punchline.
End a sentence with an adverb ending in -ly that creates a wordplay on the rest of the sentence. The sentence is the Setup; and the -ly adverb is the Punchline.
Fill in the blanks:
“_____,” he said _____ly.
The first blank is a statement made by the speaker; and the second blank is an adverb ending in -ly which not only describes how the statement was said, but relates to what was said using a witty wordplay.
* “I have an idea,” beamed Edison brightly.
Thomas Edison invented the light bulb; and the cliché in cartoons is to have a light bulb appear over someone’s head when he has a “bright” idea. The adverb brightly can mean lots of light, as in with the aid of a light bulb, or cheerfully. Thus, the play on words. Same with the verb beam.
Although deemed Adverbial Puns, Tom Swifties can be created with other words instead, like clever verbs, nouns, or adjectives. Same format: Start with a statement and end with a word that fits the sentence structure, but still creates a wordplay.
* “Turns out we have only seven weeks left of school instead of eight,” the teacher recounted.
The verb recount means to tell a story or to count again.
* “Don’t worry woman, I’ll put you back together,” was his reassuring rejoinder.
The noun rejoinder sounds like the phrase “rejoined her”.
* “I go great with ketchup and mustard,” said the hot dog being frank.
The adjective frank means forthright, but being short for frankfurter, frank is also another word for a hot dog.
Think of how words sound. Not just what they mean, but how they sound. Once you find a word that sounds like something different than itself, write the sentence (Setup) to support that word being the Punchline. And, of course, put the Punchline at the end.
Studying Tom Swifties will show you the various ways to construct them. Once you understand the concept, you should be able to write Tom Swifties swiftly.
* “Make adverbial puns,” said Tom swiftly.
I figured out a new way to write Tom Swifties! You make both the verb for speaking and the adverb fit the situation to create a double whammy.
* “This is the best sports car for zooming down highways,” he expressed jaggedly. -- Expressed for expressway; and jaggedly for Jaguar.
* “My car doesn’t even have a ding,” he buffed recklessly. -- Buffed for removing dings; and recklessly for having less, or no, wrecks.
The best way to write these super fast is to Google an list of adverbs and write whatever funny ideas come to mind.
Although with a little practice, these become easier to write, don't overuse them. Use them every now and then to see if anyone catches them.
Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey
This post was adapted and excerpted from my book “How to Write All Kinds of Comedy Jokes!”
Friday, July 1, 2011
Fast Food Royalty
I dedicate this entry to my super sweet sister who has an awesome blog "Rach and Me": http://rachandme.blogspot.com/ where she's blogged about fast-food burgers and "The Bachelorette". She covers a variety of intriguing and engaging topics each week with her unique sense of humor and charm as she takes us along on her child-rearing and learning-to-cook adventures, but the burgers and Bachelorette pertain to today's post. And by the way, her cooking skills have improved immensely too.
And now, today's post: "Fast Food Royalty":
“The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” and shows like that are popular. But I don’t think love and marriage should be treated as prizes on a game show.
Still, people have their favorite couples for whom they cheer. But the one couple everyone wants to get together, is, of course, none other than:
Burger King and Dairy Queen.
They could live in a White Castle and rule the world of fast food!
“All who wish to dine in a hurry must bow before them!”
You eat the king’s burgers; drink the queen’s shakes; and wind up with a royal flush.
Of course, the real couple, all creation wants to see get together is The King of Glory and his fiancée The Church Triumphant. Alleluia! (But that wouldn’t have been as funny as the royal White Castle couple.)
Remember to Whom you belong; and act accordingly.
Also, it'd be nice to treat your loved ones like royalty too.
Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey
PS Per my Special Request: http://heaven-bent.blogspot.com/2011/06/special-request.html please vote for "Rach and Me" at: http://www.babble.com/babble-best/top-50-mommy-food-blogs/nominate-a-food-blog/index.aspx With a couple more votes, she'll be on the first page, so you just scroll down until you find "Rach and Me" and click Like! Many, many thanks. May you be blessed for your acts of kindness and love.
And now, today's post: "Fast Food Royalty":
“The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” and shows like that are popular. But I don’t think love and marriage should be treated as prizes on a game show.
Still, people have their favorite couples for whom they cheer. But the one couple everyone wants to get together, is, of course, none other than:
Burger King and Dairy Queen.
They could live in a White Castle and rule the world of fast food!
“All who wish to dine in a hurry must bow before them!”
You eat the king’s burgers; drink the queen’s shakes; and wind up with a royal flush.
Of course, the real couple, all creation wants to see get together is The King of Glory and his fiancée The Church Triumphant. Alleluia! (But that wouldn’t have been as funny as the royal White Castle couple.)
Remember to Whom you belong; and act accordingly.
Also, it'd be nice to treat your loved ones like royalty too.
Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey
PS Per my Special Request: http://heaven-bent.blogspot.com/2011/06/special-request.html please vote for "Rach and Me" at: http://www.babble.com/babble-best/top-50-mommy-food-blogs/nominate-a-food-blog/index.aspx With a couple more votes, she'll be on the first page, so you just scroll down until you find "Rach and Me" and click Like! Many, many thanks. May you be blessed for your acts of kindness and love.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sometimes I Pray with a British Accent
Does anyone else pray in British?
I mean, besides British people.
Maybe that’s how Lutherans speak in tongues.
It’s not Shakespearean like the King James Version; and certainly not in a Monty Python sort of way.
More like the Beatles.
“Dear Lord, thank You for this good day with sunshine, help me through this hard day’s night, ’cause all I need is love.”
That might be because of the "Jesus" film where Jesus was portrayed by a British actor who dragged the cross up the left side of the Via Delarosa.
Until next time, cheerio ole chaps and lasses!
Dean
I mean, besides British people.
Maybe that’s how Lutherans speak in tongues.
It’s not Shakespearean like the King James Version; and certainly not in a Monty Python sort of way.
More like the Beatles.
“Dear Lord, thank You for this good day with sunshine, help me through this hard day’s night, ’cause all I need is love.”
That might be because of the "Jesus" film where Jesus was portrayed by a British actor who dragged the cross up the left side of the Via Delarosa.
Until next time, cheerio ole chaps and lasses!
Dean
Monday, June 27, 2011
The Easiest Jokes to Write! (Part 1)
Maybe you've never written a joke before. I'm sure you've said some funny things. Made up on the spot an off-the-cuff comment that caused laughter among your comrades. So technically, you've created jokes before. But maybe you haven't sat down to write any. Well, now's your chance, with one of the easiest jokes to write:
The Twisted Cliché!
A commonly-used expression altered for comic effect.
Also, the Extended Proverb: A short, well-known saying, followed by a clever twist. The proverb serves as the Setup; and the clever twist serves as the Punchline.
Unless you joke about a cliché, twist a cliché, or use a cliché as a Punchline, avoid clichés. Ix-nay on clichés. Clichés are cliché and passé. Clichés rob your writing of vibrancy and originality.
Otherwise, the Twisted Cliché could be the easiest joke to write. Sometimes you change one word; the rest is already written.
Steven Wright: “A fool and his money are soon partying.”
Clichés work well, because most people already know them, so you don’t have to waste time setting them up. So take a cliché; and twist it!
You can alter any part of the cliché, but try to put the twist as close to the end as you can. That way you don’t talk over audience laughter; and the preceding part of the cliché works as the Setup, further entrenching the pattern in their mind, so the unexpected twist jolts them into laughter.
Unless you make a horrific pun. In which case they may groan. And they may turn violent. Which is why, when you first start out, you might want to perform in running shoes. Before you get on stage, be sure you know where the exits are. Might also help to pocket a can of mace.
Use whatever Types of Jokes & Humor Techniques you like to generate comedy, whatever pops into your head, whatever works best. Write more than one twist, so you’ll have more from which to choose.
Caveat: Don’t overuse Twisted Clichés, ‘cause the audience will start to predict the Punchlines; and that could be conceived as cliché.
Thomas F. Wilson as Biff Tannen in the 1985 film “Back to the Future”: “So, why don’t you make like a tree and get outta here?”
Also, you can state the entire cliché; and then say a Punchline.
Homer Simpson: “If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.”
(Can you say Paraprosdokian?)
Add twisted clichés to your jokes or use original clichés (that’s an oxymoron) as part of jokes.
Mitch Hedberg: “Ya’ know, you can’t please all the people all the time. And last night, all those people were at my show.”
Question the cliché.
Steven Wright: “Is ‘tired old cliché’ one?”
Or point out the error(s) inherent in a cliché.
Bill Cosby: “A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.”
Besides cliché expressions, twist clichés about the topics you discuss and any other cliché thoughts that come to mind.
Woody Allen: “Years ago, my mother gave me a bullet. A bullet; and I put it in my breast pocket. Two years after that, I was walking down the street, when a berserk evangelist heaved a Gideon’s Bible out a hotel room window, hitting me in the chest. The Bible would have gone through my heart if it wasn’t for the bullet.” -- Woody twists the cliché of the Bible stopping the bullet.
* Some writing gurus tell us to avoid clichés like the plague; as if people could avoid plagues. I’m sure everyone who's ever suffered from a plague would have avoided doing so, if he could. Especially the firstborn in Egypt.
* I didn’t mean to say that. I had an out-of-mouth experience.
Felicitations & Elation,
Dean Burkey
This post was adapted and excerpted from my "forthcoming" book “How to Write All Kinds of Comedy Jokes!”
The Twisted Cliché!
A commonly-used expression altered for comic effect.
Also, the Extended Proverb: A short, well-known saying, followed by a clever twist. The proverb serves as the Setup; and the clever twist serves as the Punchline.
Unless you joke about a cliché, twist a cliché, or use a cliché as a Punchline, avoid clichés. Ix-nay on clichés. Clichés are cliché and passé. Clichés rob your writing of vibrancy and originality.
Otherwise, the Twisted Cliché could be the easiest joke to write. Sometimes you change one word; the rest is already written.
Steven Wright: “A fool and his money are soon partying.”
Clichés work well, because most people already know them, so you don’t have to waste time setting them up. So take a cliché; and twist it!
You can alter any part of the cliché, but try to put the twist as close to the end as you can. That way you don’t talk over audience laughter; and the preceding part of the cliché works as the Setup, further entrenching the pattern in their mind, so the unexpected twist jolts them into laughter.
Unless you make a horrific pun. In which case they may groan. And they may turn violent. Which is why, when you first start out, you might want to perform in running shoes. Before you get on stage, be sure you know where the exits are. Might also help to pocket a can of mace.
Use whatever Types of Jokes & Humor Techniques you like to generate comedy, whatever pops into your head, whatever works best. Write more than one twist, so you’ll have more from which to choose.
Caveat: Don’t overuse Twisted Clichés, ‘cause the audience will start to predict the Punchlines; and that could be conceived as cliché.
Thomas F. Wilson as Biff Tannen in the 1985 film “Back to the Future”: “So, why don’t you make like a tree and get outta here?”
Also, you can state the entire cliché; and then say a Punchline.
Homer Simpson: “If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.”
(Can you say Paraprosdokian?)
Add twisted clichés to your jokes or use original clichés (that’s an oxymoron) as part of jokes.
Mitch Hedberg: “Ya’ know, you can’t please all the people all the time. And last night, all those people were at my show.”
Question the cliché.
Steven Wright: “Is ‘tired old cliché’ one?”
Or point out the error(s) inherent in a cliché.
Bill Cosby: “A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.”
Besides cliché expressions, twist clichés about the topics you discuss and any other cliché thoughts that come to mind.
Woody Allen: “Years ago, my mother gave me a bullet. A bullet; and I put it in my breast pocket. Two years after that, I was walking down the street, when a berserk evangelist heaved a Gideon’s Bible out a hotel room window, hitting me in the chest. The Bible would have gone through my heart if it wasn’t for the bullet.” -- Woody twists the cliché of the Bible stopping the bullet.
* Some writing gurus tell us to avoid clichés like the plague; as if people could avoid plagues. I’m sure everyone who's ever suffered from a plague would have avoided doing so, if he could. Especially the firstborn in Egypt.
* I didn’t mean to say that. I had an out-of-mouth experience.
Felicitations & Elation,
Dean Burkey
This post was adapted and excerpted from my "forthcoming" book “How to Write All Kinds of Comedy Jokes!”
Thursday, June 23, 2011
"Turning Point"
My first published short story ...
"Juggler's World" Winter 1994 - 95, Volume 46 No. 4
On the Cover: Illustration by Sally Ross
That's the actual cover of the magazine. This is what the table of contents said:
Dean Burkey's "Turning Point" spins a whimsical tale of a high-wire juggling artist on the brink of a career change.
http://www.juggle.org/history/archives/jugmags/46-4/46-4,p29.htm
That link doesn't show it, but in the magazine itself, they set this part in a box in the middle of the page. Made the story layout look cool:
"Turning Point"
By Dean Burkey
"Just another day of juggling," I thought to myself as I performed a simple tennis ball routine while riding a unicycle across a cable that stretched between the World Trade Center towers in New York City. Despite the strong wind, I managed to keep control of the balls, which was more than I could say for the bowling pins that I had been using. A quick gust had caught me off guard and suddenly a horse and carriage entrepreneur below was out of business, a tired old horse was out of its misery and a small gang of underprivileged children acquired mystery meat burgers for a week.
Once aware of the wind, I was able to ad-lib a few extra laughs by throwing the balls against the air current to create amusing arcs. Halfway across I retrieved the balls and stopped the unicycle. Carefully balancing my head on the seat and using my hands on the pedals for control, I performed a handstand and began tossing one of the balls from foot to foot.
It was precisely at that precarious moment that I realized that I had never wanted to be an entertainer. Make-up gives me a rash, the costume's too tight and I abhor having all of those people staring at me. As my composure crumbled, my hidden props came out of hiding and plummeted 110 stories. I started to wobble and the crowd went wild.
I don't think most people ever intend to be sadistic. That's to say I don't think anyone wants to watch someone die. But, if someone is going to die, then certainly everybody wants to see it. Most entertainers use this fact to their advantage. Evel Knievel made a fortune out of people wanting to be there if he got killed. Of course, one should always utilize the proper precautions when using such a ploy. But in my case, it was no trick.
After years of performing feats of daredevilry and slapstick humor and becoming "The Juggler's Juggler," I suddenly forgot all I had ever learned. And why? Because I realized that I had never wanted to become a juggler. Never.
Juggling had been my little brother Timmy's dream, not mine. After his tragic demise, I ceased to exist as a person and adopted all of Timmy's characteristics - his hopes, his dreams, his rubber chicken. I became the adroit juggler and knockabout clown that Timmy had always wanted to be instead of pursuing my own dream of becoming a notary public.
Although certain that I was about to die, I rejoiced to have finally been set free. For 25 years I had been a prisoner inside my own mind. Timmy was only seven when he walked atop our backyard fence and juggled an apple, an orange and a pear. "Throw me some more fruit," he yelled with joyful delight as he maintained his balance and juggled with impeccable precision. He was trying to work his way up to five pieces of fruit, so I willingly obliged. I threw him a watermelon. He died on the way to the hospital. A van sideswiped our station wagon. Imagine my grief. He had been wearing my favorite sweater.
I somehow felt responsible for Timmy's death and the guilt was so pervasive that I, in effect, became Timmy. I laid aside any notion of stamping documents in order to become a juggler extraordinaire.
Just then a pigeon bit my ear and brought me back to the grim reality of my desperate situation. I forgot everything I had ever known about balance and stunt performing while teetering upside down on a unicycle atop a cable 110 stories high.
Then suddenly, when all hope seemed lost, my situation worsened. The wind blew stronger and I began to spin as the seat upon which my head was supported started to turn. With my legs outstretched, I must've resembled a giant top.
I was all set to headline an act at the Pearly Gates, but then I realized that just as I had become "The Juggler's Juggler," I could become ''The Notary Public's Notary Public." I determined that yes, I would live, for there would be far too many documents left unstamped if I should fall.
Just then, the unicycle fell out from under me. I grabbed the cable and dangled above as the unicycle crashed below. The crowd began screaming, especially the person upon whose foot the unicycle landed. I inched my way back to the platform and addressed the cheering crowd, "If you think that was amazing, wait 'till you see what I can do with an affidavit! Goodbye Timmy! Goodbye cheering crowd! Goodbye world of juggling! I have documents to stamp!"
Ever since that turning point, I have spent several hours a day perfecting my document stamping skills, even to the point of calluses! The lesson to be learned is that everyone must fulfill the destiny written in the heart, or carry on a heinous masquerade that will bring one to the brink of destruction. That this is true, I indeed certify!
*******
I wrote that after reading through the Writer's Market. I saw that Juggler's World wanted humor, so I decided I'd write them a story. The next morning I wrote the above story and mailed it to them.
Over a year a later, they sent me a copy of the issue of their magazine that featured my story.
Don't give up on your dreams; or your life will become a nightmare.
Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey
"Juggler's World" Winter 1994 - 95, Volume 46 No. 4
On the Cover: Illustration by Sally Ross
That's the actual cover of the magazine. This is what the table of contents said:
Dean Burkey's "Turning Point" spins a whimsical tale of a high-wire juggling artist on the brink of a career change.
http://www.juggle.org/history/archives/jugmags/46-4/46-4,p29.htm
That link doesn't show it, but in the magazine itself, they set this part in a box in the middle of the page. Made the story layout look cool:
Juggling had been my little brother Timmy's dream, not mine.
After his tragic demise, I ceased to exist as a person
and adopted all of Timmy's characteristics
- his hopes, his dreams, his rubber chicken.
"Turning Point"
By Dean Burkey
"Just another day of juggling," I thought to myself as I performed a simple tennis ball routine while riding a unicycle across a cable that stretched between the World Trade Center towers in New York City. Despite the strong wind, I managed to keep control of the balls, which was more than I could say for the bowling pins that I had been using. A quick gust had caught me off guard and suddenly a horse and carriage entrepreneur below was out of business, a tired old horse was out of its misery and a small gang of underprivileged children acquired mystery meat burgers for a week.
Once aware of the wind, I was able to ad-lib a few extra laughs by throwing the balls against the air current to create amusing arcs. Halfway across I retrieved the balls and stopped the unicycle. Carefully balancing my head on the seat and using my hands on the pedals for control, I performed a handstand and began tossing one of the balls from foot to foot.
It was precisely at that precarious moment that I realized that I had never wanted to be an entertainer. Make-up gives me a rash, the costume's too tight and I abhor having all of those people staring at me. As my composure crumbled, my hidden props came out of hiding and plummeted 110 stories. I started to wobble and the crowd went wild.
I don't think most people ever intend to be sadistic. That's to say I don't think anyone wants to watch someone die. But, if someone is going to die, then certainly everybody wants to see it. Most entertainers use this fact to their advantage. Evel Knievel made a fortune out of people wanting to be there if he got killed. Of course, one should always utilize the proper precautions when using such a ploy. But in my case, it was no trick.
After years of performing feats of daredevilry and slapstick humor and becoming "The Juggler's Juggler," I suddenly forgot all I had ever learned. And why? Because I realized that I had never wanted to become a juggler. Never.
Juggling had been my little brother Timmy's dream, not mine. After his tragic demise, I ceased to exist as a person and adopted all of Timmy's characteristics - his hopes, his dreams, his rubber chicken. I became the adroit juggler and knockabout clown that Timmy had always wanted to be instead of pursuing my own dream of becoming a notary public.
Although certain that I was about to die, I rejoiced to have finally been set free. For 25 years I had been a prisoner inside my own mind. Timmy was only seven when he walked atop our backyard fence and juggled an apple, an orange and a pear. "Throw me some more fruit," he yelled with joyful delight as he maintained his balance and juggled with impeccable precision. He was trying to work his way up to five pieces of fruit, so I willingly obliged. I threw him a watermelon. He died on the way to the hospital. A van sideswiped our station wagon. Imagine my grief. He had been wearing my favorite sweater.
I somehow felt responsible for Timmy's death and the guilt was so pervasive that I, in effect, became Timmy. I laid aside any notion of stamping documents in order to become a juggler extraordinaire.
Just then a pigeon bit my ear and brought me back to the grim reality of my desperate situation. I forgot everything I had ever known about balance and stunt performing while teetering upside down on a unicycle atop a cable 110 stories high.
Then suddenly, when all hope seemed lost, my situation worsened. The wind blew stronger and I began to spin as the seat upon which my head was supported started to turn. With my legs outstretched, I must've resembled a giant top.
I was all set to headline an act at the Pearly Gates, but then I realized that just as I had become "The Juggler's Juggler," I could become ''The Notary Public's Notary Public." I determined that yes, I would live, for there would be far too many documents left unstamped if I should fall.
Just then, the unicycle fell out from under me. I grabbed the cable and dangled above as the unicycle crashed below. The crowd began screaming, especially the person upon whose foot the unicycle landed. I inched my way back to the platform and addressed the cheering crowd, "If you think that was amazing, wait 'till you see what I can do with an affidavit! Goodbye Timmy! Goodbye cheering crowd! Goodbye world of juggling! I have documents to stamp!"
Ever since that turning point, I have spent several hours a day perfecting my document stamping skills, even to the point of calluses! The lesson to be learned is that everyone must fulfill the destiny written in the heart, or carry on a heinous masquerade that will bring one to the brink of destruction. That this is true, I indeed certify!
*******
I wrote that after reading through the Writer's Market. I saw that Juggler's World wanted humor, so I decided I'd write them a story. The next morning I wrote the above story and mailed it to them.
Over a year a later, they sent me a copy of the issue of their magazine that featured my story.
Don't give up on your dreams; or your life will become a nightmare.
Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey
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