My birthday’s tomorrow;
many people celebrate Jesus’ the day after;
and I’m sure several others
have birthdays this week too.
So my theme is:
This is my way of wishing you
a Happy Birthday,
regardless of when your birthday is.
But why do we celebrate birthdays?
We didn’t do that ourselves.
That’s something our parents did for us.
And the obstetrician.
Why aren’t we giving them gifts?
Jesus must have the only birthday
where everybody gives presents
to everyone else except Him.
Granted, He owns the entire Universe.
Or at least He will, when His Dad dies;
and He leaves it to Him in His will.
But still, I think He’d like something;
and I don’t think He’s as money-hungry
as the televangelists want us to think.
So what do you give
to the One Who has everything?
Well, obviously,
a coffee mug that says:
“Son Knows Best!”
Or a monogrammed handkerchief.
Maybe even a tie.
Doesn’t have to be silk,
but those are always nice.
Like one with the Avengers
or the Beatles.
In fact,
I’m sure He’d be pleased with almost anything,
as long as it doesn’t have splinters.
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Brian Regan:
Birthday party games:
Pin the Tail on the Donkey?
There’s a good safe game for kids.
What are adults thinking?
“Hey, hey, we’re having a whole bunch of kids over,
big party, we’re gonna blindfold one.
Give him something sharp.
Spin him around and let him go.
Go Bobby with the pin, just run amok.”
Poking around.
“What are those noises?”
“Those are puncture wounds.
Bobby stop!
You made a horrible error.”
Kids running out the door:
“He missed the Donkey and got my neck.
Pin the tail on my neck!”
Mitch Hedberg:
People associate long hair with drug use.
I wish people associated long hair
with something other than drug use,
like an extreme longing for cake.
And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say,
“That guy eats cake!”
“He is on bundt cake!”
Mothers saying to their daughters,
“Don’t bring the cake eater over here anymore.
He smells like flour.
Did you see how excited he got
when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?”
Dean Burkey:
The irony is that the birthday cake they give you
for surviving another year
is so sweet and rich in calories that
it decreases your life expectancy.
Rod Schmidt:
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.
She says if I’m good,
she’ll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright:
For my birthday,
I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room;
and let them fight it out.
Then I filled my humidifier with wax;
and left it on.
Now everything in my house is shiny.
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