"Monster Laughs" Table of Contents

By the Author of “Holy Laughter!” and

“How to Write All Kinds of Comedy Jokes”

MONSTER LAUGHS

From the Secret Files of the Mystery Hunter

　

Dean Burkey

TABLE OF CONTENTS

File #141:

Count Dracula

Sinks His Teeth into the Big Apple

11

To stop the villainous vampire,

the Mystery Hunter puts his neck on the line!

Count Dracula! A.k.a. One Big Nasty Sucker. He’s a rich Transylvanian vampire whose sole form of sustenance is human blood. He also likes Dinkies Sponge Cakes. … Elusive and unpredictable, he’s the most notorious of nocturnal creatures, except night-crawlers, glow-worms, and the late shift at the IRS. … Captain Fang stalked closer, vowing to drain me and the drunk of our blood through a massive hickey. I told him I didn’t know him that well and wanted to remain “just friends”, or in our case, “just enemies”. Please! My pleas didn’t work; Batty Rebel crept closer, to kill me and the drunk. … The Fearsome Fiend felt about blood, the way I felt about pie. And waffles. And -- … With vampires, one quick nibble can turn you.

File #142:

The Howling Werewolf’s Hairy End

24

Bring Your Pet to Work Day

has never been so deadly!

Or so itchy.

Fur Boy’s little more than an overgrown puppy. … A humongous, homicidal, overgrown puppy. Other than occasional murderous fits of furry fury and semi-frequent bad hair days, the Big Bow-Wow enjoyed a howling good time. So I had no idea what brought him to Toledo. … the Bark-Meister’s bite is worse than his bark. One bite; and you’ll be turned into a cursed, card-carrying member of the Werewolf Howling Tabernacle Glee Club. Other than that, no worries. …

File #143:

Frankenstein’s Monster

Bolts Loose

42

Big and green, mighty and mean,

the most menacing monster the Hunter’s ever seen.

(So far.)

Standing seven feet tall, the King of Stitches can be so intimidating, you can sweat through a five-day deodorant pad in five minutes. Or five seconds, if he breathes on you. With his Monster Breath. Green-faced, with bolts and scars. Short, frizzy, black hair. Gray eyes. And clumsy. What a klutz! Old Flat Top never meant to hurt anybody. But when he hugged some folks, he accidentally yanked off their skulls. And ever since, the unforgiving, grudge-and-torch-bearing villagers have tried to destroy him. And that hurts. … “Nothing conquers the fear of death better than dying.” An evil glimmer clambered across his monstrous eyes. … “The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, ‘He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.’”

File #144:

Doctor Jekyll & Ms. Hyde

61

Double the pleasure; double the danger!

And with the Hunter involved, double the laughs and mishaps!!

And double the indignities and insecurities!!!

The Queen of Cutting-and-Gutting rolled her eyes and swung her scalpel at me, just to watch me flinch. Which I did with deftness and style. … Talk about a big Ms.-understanding! Ms. Hyde had nothing to hide, except that she’s Doctor Jekyll. … Thought the mystique of the Jekyll & Hyde syndrome dealt with good vs. evil, but with Dr. Doofus & Ms. Snide, the battle raged between evil and eviler. (Or more evil, to be grammatically correct. Or less incorrect.) In their case, those two may have tied in the evil contest. Although Ms. Hot did more tying than Henry J.

File #145:

Unraveling the Mystery

of the Mummy

86

The Mystery Hunter faces more horrors than he’s ever imagined.

Is the Mummy out for revenge?

Or just running a pyramid scheme?

Professor Horace Howard Hornsby, some poor sap of an archaeologist, disturbed Im-In-Step’s tomb, which made the Mummy moan and groan and attack everyone on the excavation team. That’s so him. But what’s Band-Aid Boy’s problem? You’d think he’d be bored silly after lying around, doing nothing for over three thousand years. On the plus side, stalking and destroying an archaeological team is aerobic. So at least he’s stretching his legs a bit. And airing out his nasty, stale grave cloths. The Mummy’s Curse becomes a lot less threatening after he gets a fresh change of bandages. After a few millennia, he develops quite a pungent odor. I’d never say that to his face. He’d wail and moan all night in that annoying way that he does.

File #146:

Skinny Dipping with the Creature

from the Blue Lagoon

116

Cannibals, pirates, and sharks, oh my!

Also, lost treasure, a whale, a gorilla,

a Navy seal, and a couple grabby blue crabs.

And let’s not forget the web-footed horror

of the amphibious Creature!

Does the Creature want to kill the Hunter?

Or are his desires a fate worse than death?

What else would you expect

during mating season at the Blue Lagoon?

The Creature from the Blue Lagoon resembled his cousin, the creature from another lagoon, but varied in appearance only as much as needed to avoid a copyright infringement suit. And he was blue. He resented his cousin’s film success. Although Hollywood made movies about the Blue Lagoon, none included the Creature. Poor Fish Face, the breaks never came his way. Until he crossed my path; and I broke one of his fins. … We fared to find a Finned Fiend; and what a fine Finned Fiend I found. Say that ten times fast. … Although not wanting to die, I felt relieved Captain Gills only wanted to kill me. But just when I thought it was safe to be murdered by a homicidal maniac, …

File #147:

The Swinging Tale

of the Blue Moon Monkey Man

143

The Mystery Hunter encounters a new menace.

Before he gets himself killed over a blue banana,

the Hunter better solve this case and split!

The Azure Primate Gone Wild raised his brows and grunted my way. I needed to see if he could understand me. On some level, I think he did. I pulled out my handcuffs and a blue banana, hoping to lure him close enough to cuff him to the fire escape. I chanted, “Looks who’s got a bigger ba-na-na?” With the jumpy ape hopping my way, everything proceeded as planned. Until. Dunt, dunt, duhh! Moonlight reflecting off my handcuffs made the Monkey Man go ape-kaka! Screaming and swinging his arms. With a huge leap, he landed above me where he hung to the railing with his tail. One well-placed punch or kick; and I’d plummet six stories to an early grave. … The colorful creature grabbed me by the throat with his feet and dangled me above the alley.

File #148:

Illegal Aliens

from Outer Space

157

Worlds turn against the Mystery Hunter, including his own!

The galaxy cries out: “Bring me the Hunter!”

A full scale alien invasion ensued! With a handy-dandy portal tucked inside the Sargasso Sea, the green grouches could get great mileage and still have plenty of resources left with which to devastate the Earth. The invading space aliens never presented documents showing we gave them permission to visit our planet, much less pillage and destroy. Probing and poking the occasional country bumpkin was one thing. But annihilation? No thank you. These Illegal Aliens from Outer Space must go! … More assault saucers flew our way. For the next four hours, Neil A flew while I fired the laser. I felt like I played a video game marathon. Except I had no margin for error, no free games, no replays. One mistake; and it’d be bye-bye me, bye-bye Earth, bye-bye Miss American pie.

File #149:

Being Seen with the Invisible Man

(Or Not!)

187

Although he prides himself on always being prepared,

the Mystery Hunter never saw this one coming!

How could I fight an invisible foe? I couldn’t. But on the plus side, he wasn’t blue. I endured enough of that. And I could escape by flying. Unless he can fly too. I worried about that possibility for a moment. With another rock thrown my way, I charged the turbo rockets to full power. Onlookers gasped. Especially the general whose toupee shot into the crowd ... One well-placed punch could shove a broken rib into my aorta. Death seemed imminent. … The Unnoticed Nuisance jumped on me; and we rolled around the ground exchanging punches. Sadly, since Captain C-Thru was see-through, everyone else thought I’d gone cuckoo.

File #150:

Challenging

the Unchallengeable

Charlie Change-O

201

The Final Chapter!

Home from a whirlwind, worldwide tour of mystery-hunting,

Eddie faces his fiercest foe

and solves a mystery he wishes he’d never solved.

I needed a change. I came here to rest, perhaps to find a new career. But Destiny had other plans. Destiny wanted me to die. … Charlie’s illuminating form blazed brilliantly as he babbled about being omnipotent. I told him that was too bad, but a certain blue pill might help. He became livid and repeatedly enunciated the word omnipotent before resuming his rant for an hour and a half. Still flaming, Char boasted that he could take on all the gods of Olympus at once. When I told him the Greek gods were mythical characters, he seemed relieved. But then he thundered about his ruling the world; and only stopped, when he caught me roasting marshmallows on his leg. … He gleamed. More than usual due to his illuminative condition. “Now you die!” … “You win, Chuck the Schmuck. Kill me; and kill me fast.” “What if I want to kill you slowly?” I sighed. “Okay. Kill me slowly. Just hurry up!” “I booked the stadium for the whole night. What’s the rush?”

File #151:

Return of the Blue Moon Monkey Man

(And Another Crazy)

216

The Final, Final Chapter!

A fiendish foe returns. So does another crazy.

And the Hunter makes a monstrously horrifying

realization about himself.

As the wind wafted aromas around, I caught the familiar scent of radioactive simian fur. Smelled blue. Some shade of azure; that’s for sure. I looked up to find an old adversary dangling from a fire escape by his tail. … “Your postcard trick won’t work anymore, Murky Hunter.” … With so much craziness in the past several years, I needed some sanity, some relaxation to collect my wits, whatever was left of them. More than that, I needed pie. Sweet, creamy pie. But just when I thought it was safe to contemplate pie, … Dunt, dunt, duhh.
 

Songliography

222

A List of Songs Mentioned, Referenced, Quoted, Misquoted,

Paraphrased, Parodied, and/or Spoofed by The Mystery Hunter.

https://www.createspace.com/3614203

"Monster Laughs!" - Back Cover Copy

I need your help!
Please give me your feedback so I know how this comes across. 
Tell me what you really think and how you really feel.  Thank you!
Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey

Here’s the potential back cover copy for “Monster Laughs!”:

“MONSTER LAUGHS!”
From the Secret Files of the Mystery Hunter
By Dean Burkey, the Author of “Holy Laughter!” and “How to Write All Kinds of Comedy Jokes!”

Paranormal Investigator Eddie Hunter combats Count Dracula, wars with the Werewolf, fights Frankenstein’s Monster, and mauls many other madcap menaces, classic and new, from around the world and beyond.

“Monster Laughs!” spoofs monsters and more. Each exciting, hilarious chapter stands on its own, while a story weaves its way throughout. No matter how dangerous the situation, the Mystery Hunter keeps his sense of humor, relies on his wits, and finds time to enjoy waffles, pie, and bowling. Only he could save the world with bubble gum and burritos.

Fear not! Laugh a lot! In an Odyssey of Oddities, comedian Dean Burkey tackles the Invisible Man, Space Aliens, and other infamous frights. Further scary topics include romantic misunderstandings, macho insecurities, & diminishing dignity. Zany, quirky, funny, fun. For teens and adults.

“I Love the Tweaking Stage!”

I feel like my first novel is done. 
Yay! 
Except for the cover pic. 
So anything I do now is making it better.
To tweak it!

Major Overhaul

Sometimes rewriting can involve Major Overhauls,
(All the fans of “How I Met Your Mother” salute and say: “Major Overhaul!”)
which, as the name implies, requires lots of work.
Major Overhauls aren’t always fun,
unless you come with something totally cool!
Like in my screenplay “Some Body to Love” (a.k.a. “Exit Strategies”),
there’s a scene with two guys fighting; and a gun goes off.
Originally, no big deal; no one got hurt.
But then I thought, what if someone got shot?
Taking place about two-thirds into the story,
that only required a Semi-Overhaul.
(All the fans of “Ice Road Truckers” slide on the ice and say: “Semi-Overhaul!”)
But still, that improved the story immensely.

Kill the Widows!

Another rewrite maneuver is known as: Kill the Widows!
Sounds pretty violent; doesn’t it?
It’s not. Usually not.
When a lone word sits there taking up a whole line,
you edit down that paragraph until that word gets taken up to the line above it.
I only bothered with that when a chapter was “full”!
Meaning an extra line would need an extra page.
Or when I liked the way the page looked.
I worry more about widows with screenwriting
where the wording needs to be more succinct.

Kill Your Darlings!

Another violent rewriting phrase is: Kill Your Darlings!
That means; and this is a truly tough lesson to learn:
You delete your favorite jokes and lines and scenes and such.
All for the sake of pacing, or spacing, or to remain true to the story.
I removed some hilarious jokes,
because they didn’t fit the story or they bogged down the pacing and such.
That’s when you know you’re a real writer,
when you can delete the part you love the most,
because you know that doing so will enhance the whole. 

Wordsmithing

A rewriting chore that’s as tedious as it sounds is: Wordsmithing.
Once you have the story, characters, pacing, and such in good order,
fix the phrasings and word usage. 
Craft each word! 
Perhaps that too is a form of Tweaking.

Tweaking

However, I feel that Tweaking is after you’ve finished everything else,
you think of something that will enhance the story
and that fits without clogging the pacing,
adds a laugh or a thrill,
or just improves the story in one way or another.
And that, my friends, is my favorite part.
A joke pops into my head and makes me laugh.
And then I think of where that could fit in the story.
That’s my favorite part. 

If at first you don’t succeed,
don’t juggle knives.
Best to you with whatever you endeavor. 

Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey

I Am Not Woody Allen!

I am not Woody Allen.
And nothing against Woody Allen, but I’m glad I’m not him.
And I’m sure Woody Allen’s glad I’m not him either.
And my guess?
He’s definitely glad he’s not me.

I’m Dean Burkey.
And I’m still trying to figure out what that means,
so I don’t have time to be Woody Allen.
Or anyone else for that matter.

However,
in junior high (back when it was called “junior high” and not “middle school”),
and high school, and maybe even college,
I wanted to be Woody Allen.
And Steve Martin.
And even Barry Gibb.
Although he’s not a comedian.
And possibly, before December 8, 1980, I wanted to be John Lennon.
After that, not so much.

Anyway, while enamored with the comedy writings of Woody Allen
and wanting to access that ability for myself,
I wrote a short story called “From the Missing Files of the Night Stalker”
or something like that.
(The Night Stalker being the TV guy from long ago, not the serial killer.)

Having been inspired by Woody’s short story “Dracula”
which appeared in his first short story/essay collection “Getting Even” in 1971,
my first draft was highly derivative.
The villain was: (Guess who?) Dracula!
And even the hero was named after a character on TV.

But decades passed;
and I’ve since re-engineered and tweaked that piece into something original.

Moreover, I watered and grew that snippet of a tale into a full-fledged comedy novel,
with that first little bit becoming chapter one.
With each subsequent chapter being a comedic encounter with another monster.
Hence the catchy, clever name:

“Monster Laughs!”

From the Secret Files of the Mystery Hunter

Count Dracula Sinks His Teeth into the Big Apple

The Howling Werewolf’s Hairy End

Frankenstein’s Monster Bolts Loose

Doctor Jekyll and Ms. Hyde

Unraveling the Mystery of the Mummy

Skinny Dipping with the Creature from the Blue Lagoon

The Swinging Tale of the Blue Moon Monkey Man

Illegal Aliens from Outer Space

Being Seen with the Invisible Man (Or Not!)

Challenging the Unchallengeable Charlie Change-O

Return of the Blue Moon Monkey Man (And Another Crazy)

Coming soon to Amazon.com.
(I just need one more read-through/edit; and a decent, intriguing, hopefully funny, cover photo.)

So that’s just some of what I’ve been doing instead of blogging.
But I hope to get back to this too.
I miss you and hope all is well with you and yours.

Best to you and whatever you endeavor.

Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey

How to Sanctify Unsavory Songs

I had a dream last night, where I climbed a mountain of light and asked an angel:

“How can we, as a world, and as individuals, achieve perfect peace?” 

The glowing being beamed brightly and replied:

“The pathway to peace is simple; all you need to do is ... Slap Your Funky Mama.  Slap Your Funky Mama.  Slap Your Funky Mama.” 

To clarify.  The angel did not suggest we could achieve peace by means of domestic violence, or the slapping of one’s ... funky mama. 

But someone driving by, with their music blaring loud, woke me up, before I could hear the answer. 
I don’t now, nor will I ever, condone the slapping of women, especially one’s mother, funky or not. 

But I must warn you, that such a song, can get stuck in your head like a splinter embedded in the back of your skull. 

“Slap Your Funky Mama.  Slap Your Funky Mama.  Slap Your Funky Mama.”

I doubt many couples would say: “That’s our song.” 

You’d never hear this announement at a wedding reception: “Here they are dancing their first dance as a married couple to Vic Vulgar’s hit tune ‘Slap Your Funky Mama.’” 

Have you ever had a song get stuck in your head? 
If not, you’ve never been to Disney.

“It’s a small world after all.  It’s a small world after all.  It’s a small world after all.  It’s a small, small world.”*
 
If you have a song with offensive lyrics stuck in your head, such as the aforementioned “Slap Your Funky Mama”, sanctify the lyrics. 

You can do this with any song.  For instance: Slapping is bad, but praising is good.  Funky’s okay, but loving is better.  Mama’s great, but Savior’s the best. 

(To the tune of “Slap Your Funky Mama”): “Praise Your Loving Savior.  Praise Your Loving Savior.  Praise Your Loving Savior.” 

(To the tune of “It’s a Small World (After All)”): “Jesus loves us one and all.  Jesus loves us one and all.  Jesus loves us one and all.  Jesus loves us all.” 

It’s easy.  Name a popular song you wouldn’t want to sing in church.  Wait!  Maybe not.  That could get us all in trouble.  I’m already on thin ice for singing Vic Vulgar’s “Slap Your Funky Mama”. 

Oo, I  know!  Katy Perry has a popular song.  Here’s my sanctified version:
“I praised the Lord; and I liked it.” 

Remember, GIGO.  Garbage In, Garbage Out.  Your best bet’s not to listen to unsavory songs, but if you somehow get one stuck in your head, sanctify it!

Martin Luther said that music is the language of the angels, so be sure to sing praises to the Lord as often as you can.

And please don't blare your music unbearably loud, especially in my neighborhood late at night.  We might’ve already achieved perfect peace if not for music playing too loud.  I know you think you're being “cool”, but there's nothing sexy about having to ask repeatedly: “Huh?  What?  I can’t hear you!”

Be blessed so you can bless others.

Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey

* Robert & Richard Sherman wrote the song “It’s a Small World (After All)” which I quoted to parody. 
(I invented Vic Vulgar and the hit song “Slap Your Funky Mama”, but sadly, plenty of performers and songs like that exist.)  Hum, whistle, or sing at least one happy song today!

WOW! Warped Origins of Words!

Or WWO! Wacky Word Origins! And, as you know, when anything is self-proclaimed to be wacky, you can almost guarantee that hijinks or shenanigans will certainly ensue.

Here's how this works: You give me a word; and I tell you the origin of that word. (Overly Dramatic Voice): "Who the words are; and how they came to be!"

Kind of like Secret Origins of Superheroes, but with less radioactivity. And less spandex and capes.

For example here's WOW (or WWO) word origin for the word love:

Love: The word for love comes from an old Indo-European word lufoolyicious which described a stomach ailment diagnosed centuries later as trichinosis. While relaxing in what would later become known as the English countryside, Romulus and Jewella shared a picnic meal. Unfortunately, Romulus’ pork sandwich was undercooked; and he began to suffer abdominal pangs. He tried to tell Jewella that he thought that he had come down with lufoolyicious, but all could manage to say before doubling over was: “Jewella, I -- I -- I lufoo!” Although not suffering from the same pork-induced trauma, Jewella experienced the butterflies of romantic attraction and merely assumed that Romulus who was bent over in agony clutching his stomach felt that way for her as well. After miraculously surviving being leeched back to health, Romulus realized he had feelings for Jewella as well. And as news spread of their whirlwind romance, the phrase “I lufoo!” via mispronunciations by the then toothless masses became “I love you.” And love became the word we now know and adore today. So, before you elope with your special someone, ask yourself “Am I really in love; or have I been eating undercooked pork?” And don’t worry, sometimes it’s both.

With only a few changes to the story, Shakespeare achieved great fame recounting this tempestuous tale in his highly-acclaimed play “Romeo and Juliet”.

Love also became known as a zero in tennis because the losing player fared so poorly that onlookers often thought that he must have trichinosis.

It’s also a type of cheese.

Please post the word or phrase for which you long to know its origin in a comment below.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

Who Was the Greatest Comedian in the Bible?

Special thanks to Mike Cotton for asking this intriguing question.

Having an enquiring mind, I want to know the answer too!

Using my amazing secrets-of-the-universe-revealing powers (which are far beyond those of mere mortal men) and applying my deductive (wacky?) mind …

Remember: Without a Laff-O-Meter available during biblical times, my response can only be subjective.

The word jubilation comes from the name Jubal, so I’m sure he knew how to have a good time. Jubilations (celebrations) often involve lots of laughs. At the very least, hilarious hijinks or shenanigans should ensue. And everyone has a good time. Until someone gets carried away and knocks over the punchbowl. Or spills something difficult to clean onto the fancy carpet.

Isaac’s name means laughter, so that automatically makes Abraham, the Father of Laughter.

The best comedy often comes from pain. So Job monopolizes that category. Plus, he said some funny, although sardonic, statements. Ie, Job 17:10b (NIV): “I will not find a wise man among you.” (Obviously, he couldn’t put on a Christmas play that year, because you need at least three. And he lived before Christ was born.)

Women adore a man with a sense of humor; and David was quite a lady’s man, so he had to be funny. Plus, I heard he killed at the palace.

Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, so he had to have an excellent sense of humor too. If only to survive. Unless you’re a beautiful woman without discretion, this is one of the funniest verses in the Bible: Proverbs 11:22 (RSV): Like a gold ring in a swine’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.

Amos prophesied some funny things. From Amos 6:12 (ESV): Does one plow there (the sea) with oxen? (Not as funny today, but folks in the Old (Ancient) Testament days used to howl at that one. Keep in mind, they didn’t have cable, movies, or the Internet, so they were often quite easily amused.)

Although the humor gets lost in translation, Micah was quite the comical prophet too, using lots of puns. Micah 1:15 (NKJV): “I will yet bring an heir to you, O inhabitant of Mareshah (‘Inheritance’).”

In the New (Not as Ancient) Testament, the Apostle Paul used some humor to make his points in his epistles. Ie, he tells Philemon whatever Onesimus owes him, Philemon should charge to Paul, so Paul will owe Philemon instead of Onesimus. Where upon Paul reminds Philemon he owes Paul for the everlasting security of his eternal soul!

But since Jesus is perfect; and He’s the Son of God, I have to say Him. Especially during lightning season. He not only used humor, He also made his points doing so. Which makes Him an excellent speaker. Plus, He’s the only way to Heaven, so yes, I say Jesus is the Greatest Comedian in the Bible. You could say His telling a healed blind person not to tell anyone is a funny request. Here’s an actual Jesus joke: John 8:44c (NIV): “When he [the Devil] lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” (Again, it was funnier then, but I’d still go ahead and laugh, if only to avoid the lake of fire.)

Thank you again Mike for your excellent question! I hoped you enjoyed the answer.

Blessings & Joy,
Dean

PS I couldn't escape the gnawing feeling that perhaps this was the setup for an old joke, so having written all that over two weeks ago, I finally Googled it today; and sure enough, it is an old joke! Apparently, the correct answer is Samson, because "he brought the house down". But then again, had I Googled sooner, I wouldn't have written my review of comedy in the Bible.