Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Sharknado 2 Is Coming For You


Close the Shutters! 
Plug the Drains!
Crouch on the Couch; 
And Numb Your Brains!
‘Cause It’s True: 

Sharknado 2
Is Coming For You


Sharknado 2: The Second One Official Trailer #1 (2014) 

- Syfy Channel Sequel HD

Published on Jul 7, 2014 by

The Dorsal Fin Double-Dipper Radar forecasts a Sharknado raging down upon New York City, tomorrow night, Wednesday, July 30, 2014 C.E. at 9 pm (Eastern) on the Syfy Channel!

So sorry, New Yorkers, but just when you thought it was safe to get mugged, or tossed about by windy, inclement weather, ... 

All the frolicking fun and maddening mayhem of the first “Sharknado” film gets unleashed as “Sharknado 2: The Second One” takes a bite or two of The Big Apple! 

 I think Judd Hirsch said it best when he said, “Holy Shark!”

And this is just how Super Dee Duper the Syfy Channel is, to make sure you don’t get lost by not having seen the first one, they’re airing that again right before The Second One’s big debut. 

 No matter how intense the situations get, just keep telling yourself: “It’s only a movie.* It’s only a made-for-TV movie. A cheesy, meant-to-be-fun movie. With extra cheese.”

 So really, it’s nothing to lose your head over. Unless you’re The Statue of Liberty. 

Of course, there’s sure to be more chainsaw shenanigans. Which, obviously, must mean, fish sticks for all! 

 And I’m guessing that Jumping The Shark has never been this much fun!


Hungry Shark Evolution
Play for FREE!

 Sharknado: July 30, 7 pm
Sharknado 2: The Second One: July 30, 9 pm
Only on Syfy!

Caution: You could easily get drunk if you play a Drinking Game when you gulp a shot every time you spot a celebrity. So don’t operate any heavy machinery; and please watch responsibly. 

With D. C. Douglas as Bud; and Melanie Avalon as a Flight Attendant.  

All The Best,
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Friday, July 25, 2014

The Sensational Saga of The Swans


The Sensational 
Saga of The Swans
(a.k.a. A Fine-Feathered 
Legacy for Lakeland)

Although Lorde likes to sing how we’ll never be royals, apparently Lakeland’s own quackless swans are! 

Lakeland’s mascot the Swans moved to this lovely central Florida city in 1923. 

But unfortunately, pestilence and predators ravaged these fine-feathered fouls, with a smiling gator gobbling the last swan in 1954. 

How sad to think of such a magnificent bird suddenly reduced to a single-sized serving of Purina Alligator Chow. 

But hey, a hard-working gator’s gotta eat too. Not everybody can live on dreams and rain-soaked lily pads. 

Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, upon hearing the tragic news, former Lakeland resident Mrs. Pickhardt asked the Queen to intervene. 

‘Cause that’s what makes Britain Great. When Brits have a problem that needs sorting out, they ring the queen. “Oh Queenie, we’re in a bit of a sticky wicket with our water birds. Do be a doll; and lend us a hand; won’t you love? Cheerio!” 

Having a surplus of swans frolicking in the waves of the Thames, Queen Elizabeth graciously volunteered to send us a pair of mute swans for free. Absolutely free. We just had to pay a shipping and handling fee of $300. 

Not to sound ungrateful, but back in 1954, stamps were only 3 cents each. 

But then again, the “handling” included capturing the swans; and having someone check to make sure we got one of each gender. 

Plus, the swans would surely fly first class. Nothing but the best for the royals. Fine-feathered or otherwise. 

Meanwhile, the non-royal people and pets on the same flight would scrunch together in the cargo bay, without even a packet of peanuts for a snack. 

 But back in 1954, 300 bucks could buy a lot of Lincoln Logs; and most people find those much more fun. Seems you just can’t build anything with birds, no matter how royal or majestic they may be. 

Plus, Lincoln Logs don’t bite; don’t eat all your bread; and best of all, don’t poop on your shoes! 

Eventually, however, a former visitor to Lakeland coughed up the cash to cover postage costs; and in 1957, a pair of mute swans moved to Lake Morton. 

These weren’t ordinary swans. No sirree. These swans descended from the swans Queen Beatrice gave to Richard the Lion-Hearted as a thank you for his accomplishments in the Crusades. 

I think the attached gift card said, “Hey Ritchie, way to go with the Crusades, enjoy the birds.” 

Of course, I wouldn’t even be writing this post now, if Richard the Lion-Hearted’s personal chef’s cookbook contained at least one decent recipe for Swan Tetrazzini. 

Now, many a fortnight later, Lakeland city workers round up the swans each year to have a veterinarian check their health, to prevent the previous pesky pestilence mishap from happening again. 

And they warn all the alligators: “Look guys, you can eat the pets of the common folk. And maybe even some of the common folk. But keep your teeth and claws off the royal birds! Poodles, yes. Yapping Chihuahuas, please! Swans, no. And when you see any pets dressed in silly sweaters and funny hats, feel free to enjoy an all-you-can-eat buffet.” 

The gators even got permission to snack on swans that speak. Only the mute ones are a no-no. 

The aquatic reptiles agreed, but it’s hard to believe a word they say, because they always sneer that sinister smile. 

And I think one or two of them had their claws crossed behind their bumpy backs. 

Nearby Kissimmee, Florida is home to the Regal Swan Foundation! Cities just don’t do that for ordinary birds. 

It’s a nonprofit swan research group. Well, duh! Like swan research would ever be a big moneymaker. 

Anyway, that explains The Sensational Saga of The Swans in Lakeland. Now what about The Botched-Up Ballad of Those Buzzards in Bartow? 
Special Thanks to Damion Boyce and golakeland.com for the article: “THE HISTORIC SWANS OF THE CITY OF LAKELAND”; John Chambliss and the Lakeland Ledger for the article “Lakeland, Swans Will Get a British Royal Emissary”; and to Ryan Raiche and ABC Action News WFTS Tampa Bay for the article “City workers catch Lakeland's iconic, resident swans ahead of health check-up”.
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Lorde - Royals (US Version)

Published on Jun 18, 2013 by

 Royal Baby Jokes 
from Late Night Talk Shows: *

 Jimmy Fallon 
from “Late Night”:
Did you guys hear? It finally happened! 
Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy today! 
Yep, the baby weighed about eight pounds, 
then Americans were like, “How much is that in dollars?”
That’s right, Kate Middleton 
went into labor this morning in London. 
When the rest of the Royal Family heard, 
they were like, “Oh my God — what’s ‘labor’?” *

 Stephen Colbert 
from “The Colbert Report”:
There is a royal baby!  
And the world is in the grips 
of postpartum jubilation. *

 Craig Ferguson 
from “Late Late Show”:
Now, there were just very few people 
actually in the room for the birth. 
Just Prince William, of course, the father. 
Kate Middleton’s mother. 
And Neil Patrick Harris, I believe was there. 
Yeah well, he does the Tonys, the Emmys, 
the Royal Birth. 
He’s there! And you know what? 
He makes it better! *

 Jay Leno 
from “The Tonight Show”:
Can you believe the media coverage?  
You’d think it was Kim Kardashian 
and Kanye West having the kid. 
It was unbelievable. *

 Conan O’Brien 
from “Conan”:
The royal baby was born today. 
But don’t worry, America 
— we still have Honey Boo Boo. 
Bookies say the odds are 11:2 
that the royal baby will be named “George” 
after his great-great grandfather, King George VI. 
And the odds are 100:1 that he will be named “George” 
after the George Foreman grill.
Kate Middleton had her baby. 
The royal baby is 8 pounds, 
but you can’t really put a price on a child. *
* Special Thanks to The Washington Post for the article: “Letterman, Leno and O’Brien get in on royal baby jokes late-night”, the source of these talk show royal baby quotes/jokes. 

Monty Python And The Holy Grail - Help Help I'm Being Repressed

Published on Jul 15, 2012 by

EvilTwinStore



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Friday, July 18, 2014

YAS XOF EHT SEOD TAHW: What Does The Fox Say? Backwards!

 

YAS XOF EHT SEOD TAHW: 
What Does The Fox Say? 
Backwards! 

 Whenever you hear a strange song 
that's strangely popular, 
you've got to stop and think: 

Well someone obviously 
made a deal with the Devil. 

 In that case, 
we can search the song backwards 
for hidden clues. 

 Here's The Song Forwards: 

Ylvis The Fox What Does the Fox Say ) [Official music video HD]

Published on Oct 14, 2013 by

 Before we even rewind, 
we can almost detect a massive amount 
of semi-F-bombs exploding all over the place! 

 But hey, 
I blame "Star Trek" for that. 
That's right. 
They were the ones who figured out 
how to sneak the F-bomb on prime-time TV; 
and that was in the 1960s. 

 All you do is mask it just a little. 

 Example: 
"Spock! Are you out of your Vulcan mind?!" 

 With or without the real or imagined F-bombs, 
I find a bunch of dudes twerking in the woods, 
with or without fox masks, 
to be more than a bit disturbing. 

 But hey, 
if that's what you're into; 
and you're not hurting anyone, 
whatevs!

 Just keep it down in residential areas 
when others are trying to sleep. 

Here's The Song Backwards: 

What Does The Fox Say (Backwards)

Published on Oct 19, 2013 by

 The first thing we notice 
is that when spelled backwards, 
the name Ylvis looks like an adverb. 

 I don't know what Sivly means, 
but if it's backwards, 
it probably can't be good. 

 The opening voice reminds me 
of Dan Ackroyd gibberish singing 
in The Blues Brothers' hit "Rubber Biscuit". 

 Somewhere near the beginning, 
which would be the end?, 
I hear the phrase "walk on water". 

 Obviously, 
that's a reference, 
or allusion, 
if you will, 
to:

Dutch People. 

 Because of their wooden shoes. 

 Who else? 
Aquaman? 

 The seemingly nonsensical noises, 
which resound during the chorus, 
when played backwards, 
suddenly sound like: 

 Someone who hit his thumb with a hammer. 

 Or got ice dropped down his Jockey shorts. 

 Or that one annoying uncle who still plays 
"I got your nose!" 
well past your teens. 

 The chorus line itself sounds like: 
"Get so out the door!"

 So I guess the song could be considered divisive. 
But maybe the building's on fire; 
and the singers are yelling for us to get to safety. 
Which is awfully nice of them. 
Or they just don't want to get sued. 
Or arrested for breaking The Good Samaritan Law 
like in the Series Finale of Seinfeld. 

 Sadly though, 
the whole "Is the song divisive 
or is it urging us to safety?" debate 
must remain unsolvable. 

 At least, 
until we can get a coin to flip; 
and decide who gets to call heads. 

 Near the end, 
which would be the beginning?, 
I hear the phrase "climb so nice". 

 So, 
to that extent, 
this song's good at subliminally 
encouraging mountain climbers. 

 Kids like it too. 
(Kids of all ages.)

 If, 
10-15 years from now, 
scaling mountains suddenly becomes a big craze 
among college students, 
you'll know why. 

 I've been kidding around here, 
but I gotta tell you:  That silly song made me 
more attentive to women in every way. 

Now when I meet a hot one I wonder: 
What does the fox say? 

 Thanks for reading. 
Until next time, 
have a Vulcan fun week!

 And, of course, by that, I mean: 
Live long & prosper. 
Or at the very least, 
don't be sivly.

For More Backwards Music Fun, 
Check Out My Previous Post: 
This Is Crazy! A Call Me Maybe Exposé

All The Best,

Photo Source: Pssmidi Pål S. Schaathun / TVNorge pressefoto
Ylvis Picture from TV show 'I kveld med Ylvis'



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Blues Brothers - Rubber Biscuit

Uploaded on May 26, 2006 by

Author Unknown: 
(http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/cleanjokes.html): 
Q: What do you call the new girl at the bank? 
A: The Nutella!

 Jerry Seinfeld: 
The idea behind the tuxedo is 
the woman's point of view 
that men are all the same; 
so we might as well dress them that way. 
That's why a wedding is like the joining together 
of a beautiful, glowing bride 
and some guy. 
The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, 
created by women 
because they know that men are undependable. 
So in case the groom chickens out, 
everybody just takes one step over, 
and she marries the next guy. 

 Dean Burkey:
If you’re beautiful; 
and you’re all alone, 
your beauty’s going to waste. 
Don’t waste it! 
Let me help you find the finest pleasures 
that beautiful people can enjoy. 

 Steve Martin: 
Hosting the Oscars 
is like making love to a beautiful woman 
— it's something I only get to do 
when Billy Crystal's out of town. 

 Steven Wright: 
Last night, 
I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar 
and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" 
She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." 
I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same, 
because I go by thickness."

Steve Martin Has to Leave Johnny Carson, Funniest Moments

Published on Aug 2, 2011 by

EvilTwinStore
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