Voted The Best Religion Joke

Voted The Best Religion Joke

 
Photo Source: http://rateyourmusic.com/artist/emo_philips

Uploaded on Apr 15, 2010 by
DickButt1349

Check out this article Emo Philips wrote 

for The Guardian, Wednesday 28 September 2005:

The best God joke ever - and it's mine!

Here’s an animated video based on that same joke: 

Uploaded on Jun 30, 2010 by

JokeToons

Emo Philips: 
“I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, 
and he said, 
“I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” 
I said, “You’ll be sorry.” 
He said, “Oh yeah? Why?” 
I said, “Well, 
you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

Emo Philips: 
I discovered my wife in bed 
with another man and I was crushed. 
So I said, “Get off me, you two!”

Emo Philips: 
I got a letter from the IRS. 
Apparently I owe them $800. 
So I sent them a letter back. 
I said, “If you’ll remember, 
I fastened my return with a paper clip, 
which according to your very own 
latest government pentagon spending figures 
will more than make up for the difference.” 

Emo Philips: 
A computer once beat me at chess, 
but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

All the Best,

Dean

P.S. This was previously posted at my former Comedy Jokes Blog, before Google deleted it for reasons that are still unclear to me. 

   

More hilarious religious jokes by Emo Philips:

Uploaded on Jul 5, 2011 by

mindreader54

He's Got the Whole World in His Hands

He’s Got the Whole World 
in His Hands

by Dean Burkey

Photo Source:
http://www.freestockphotos.biz/stockphoto/1239

Whenever people sing “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands”, especially when everyone’s clapping, I like to say: “Here’s hoping He doesn’t clap along.” 

After the Fall, when Eve started to nag, did Adam ask God, “Dear Lord, can I have my rib back?” 

Or maybe: “I’ve got another rib I can spare, what else You got?”

Is that where we get the phrase: “Spare ribs”?

And poor Eve.  She was stuck with Adam.  With no one else around, she couldn’t explore any other options.  

Flawed as he was though, he was still better than a flea-ridden orangutan. 

If only for lack of Febreze and breath mints.  

It’s not like she needed him to move a piano or change a tire.  

While Adam’s gardening all day, Eve stays home and plays Suzie Cavemaker.  

And this was long before handy dandy vacuum cleaners and Easy Bake Ovens.  

Adam was no picnic either.  He’d come home from a hard day of tilling the ground and gripe about whatever Eve prepared.  “Apple Fritters again?!”  

Eve would roll her eyes and sigh, upset that he hadn’t noticed her new fig-leaf apron.  “Oh sure, now you won’t eat the apple!”

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

Uploaded on Jul 5, 2011 by
mindreader54

   

Currently* FREE* 
on Amazon Kindle**:



Top 100 FREE Apps for Android

Click Here for More Currently* FREE* Kindle** Books!

Click Here for Some*** Currently* FREE* MP3 Downloads!

* The prices for these books (and most** of the MP3s) were FREE at the time of this posting, but the prices are subject to change at any time, so be sure to get your FREE copies while you can. Just be sure the book listing says “Kindle Price: $0.00”. If the price has gone up, some of these aren’t that costly in the first place anyway.

** Even if you don’t have a Kindle, you can still enjoy these FREE books by clicking this link: FREE Kindle Reading Apps or the banner at the top or the bottom of this page.

*** Not all the MP3s listed are free, so check the price before buying. 

Click Here for: 
Amazon Coupons

For More Fun Freebies, Click Here 
for My Freebies Free-for-All! Page!