Special Early Bird Edition
(Next Monday’s Blog Posted This Friday)
In Honor of the Olympics
and Valentine’s Day:
Photo Source: International Olympic Committee
(Click the Picture Above for a Free Medal Alert App)
(Next Monday’s Blog Posted This Friday)
In Honor of the Olympics
and Valentine’s Day:
Photo Source: International Olympic Committee
(Click the Picture Above for a Free Medal Alert App)
You know me,
I always like to have fun,
and make a quick buck,
so I volunteered to be the first guinea pig
for an experimental, new teleportation device.
The research scientists wanted to use
an actual guinea pig,
but thanks to the protests
of several animal rights activists groups,
they were forced instead to use human beings.
So I got placed in mortal danger,
because some brilliant copywriter
came up with the catchy slogan:
“The Guinea Pig You Save
May Be Your Own!”
Since I was clearly putting my existence at risk,
those highly intelligent scientists let me
pick my intended destination.
I figured I’d let them “beam me” to Sochi, Russia,
so I could enjoy the 22nd Olympic Winter Games.
Fortunately,
their crazy contraption worked.
I de-materialized
from their mysterious,
top secret research facility
known only as Area 52;
and milliseconds later,
I reappeared in Sochi, Russia,
on the slopes in front of
a mega-gorgeous Swiss alpine skier!
Unfortunately,
I didn’t have skis or snow shoes,
so I slid down the side of the steep mountain.
And not down the fun side with the colorful course,
the other, far more dangerous, dark side.
At the speed I slid,
and with my inability to maneuver effectively,
I was as good as dead.
Especially since the cold already turned my skin blue.
Fortunately,
the mega-gorgeous Swiss alpine skier saw my plight
and sped after me
performing a highly tenacious rescue.
Proving that she’s not only mega-gorgeous
with amazing skiing skills,
but she also has a heart of gold.
What an awesome combination!
Unfortunately,
her act of heroism zapped
some of her energy for her next event.
Costing her at least a tenth of a second
of much needed time.
So she didn’t win the gold,
but she won my undying gratitude.
But then again,
she already had that,
just by being mega-gorgeous.
Fortunately,
she took me to her translator,
so I could thank her
and tell her what I wanted to say to her
from the moment I first saw her:
“I may a wee bit lactose intolerant,
but I’ll gladly eat holes in cheese
if that’s what it takes to make you happy.”
Unfortunately,
her interpreter had a secret crush on her,
so every time guys who can’t speak Swiss
try to make their moves on her,
he misinterprets.
I don’t know what he said I said,
but she slapped me so hard,
I fell back down that slippery slope.
Fortunately,
this time I managed to grab the railing,
so I wouldn’t fall over the edge to certain doom.
Unfortunately,
the railing I grabbed broke.
Fortunately,
the translator felt a twinge of remorse
and reached out to save my life.
(Sure,
he wanted the mega-gorgeous Swiss skier
all to himself,
but he didn’t want to kill anybody.
He’s a lover;
not a man-slaughterer.)
Unfortunately,
after he saved my life,
he pulled a weapon on me.
Fortunately,
it was just a Swiss Army knife.
So I chuckled and asked,
“What are you going to do?
Clip my toenails to death?”
Unfortunately,
he did just that!
More or less.
He clipped my toenails.
Way too close!
So my every step on the white snow
left a gut-wrenching,
toe-trailing mess.
Ow! & Yuck!
Fortunately,
the mega-gorgeous Swiss alpine skier
has a bizarre fetish for closely-trimmed toenails.
So she clutched my lapel,
puckered her lips,
and pulled me close.
Yay!
Unfortunately,
those stupid clods
who invented the teleportation device
beamed me back to Area 52!
Before Golden Girl could kiss me!
Boo!
Where in the world will I find
such a wonderful woman
with that much dedication,
and a heart of gold,
and who’s teeming with mega-gorgeosocity?
Seeing my bloodied toes,
those silly scientists assumed their device malfunctioned.
Having lied about paying me big bucks
to be the first sap to get zapped by their contraption,
they conked me on the head
with an over-sized petri dish,
I awoke on the carpet in front of the TV,
which naturally was tuned to the Olympics.
To see me there,
you’d think I just dozed off,
fell from the couch,
and conked my head.
After having clipped my toenails insanely close.
But that would be crazy!
So boo the Area 52 scientists,
but yay Team USA!
Win all the gold medals you can!
And please tell that mega-gorgeous Swiss skier,
that if she wants a gold medal,
she can have my heart-shaped one.
Go Team USA!
And everyone,
please enjoy a safe and
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Author’s Note:
I wrote the foregoing whimsical tale,
because I felt I needed
to have a new DEAN Adventure.
Plus,
I wanted to write something topical
in honor of all the dedicated,
hard-working Olympians
from around the world;
and to post something for Valentine’s Day.
And I wanted to honor my favorite book
when I was a young child:
“Fortunately” by Remy Charlip.
Click Here to Shop at Amazon!
Bob Smiley:
Richard Pryor:
When that fire hit your @$$,
it will sober your @$$ up quick!
I saw something, I went,
"Well, that's a pretty blue.
You know what? That looks like fire!"
Fire is inspirational.
They should use it in the Olympics,
because I ran the 100 in 4.3.
Ray Divine:
We wanted an Olympic Gold medalist
to be our keynote speaker.
But due to our low budget,
we booked a figure-skater instead.
‘Cause all we can afford is a cheapskate.
Dean Burkey:
Nothing tells your children
how much you thought about them
while skiing the Alps,
dancing in Rio,
surfing in Hawaii,
or being anywhere but home,
like a shirt with a picture of cheese.
Steve Martin:
(Paraphrased by John a.k.a. Jisch at http://forums.alpinezone.com/showthread.php/48779-Chairlift-Conversations/page6)
You know how some people
have their name engraved in their skis.
Well the other day I was riding up a lift
and I read the guy's name off his skis
and started talking to him like I knew him.
He thought I was NUTS!
His name was Rental.
Steven Wright:
Cross country skiing is great
if you live in a small country.
