I know that in a previous blog,
I realized that there is no perfect woman.
(See my previous post:
“My Epic 6-Part ‘Inside-Out’ Adventure!”
Part 5: “The Perfect Ploy to Take Over the World”.)
If only that Ghiradelli girl knew how to juggle ukuleles!
(See “Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The DEAN Adventures”.
For a much better value, see “The Dean Burkey Bundle”.)
And then later,
but in a post still previous to this one,
I discovered the highly talented
and totally adorable Melissa Villaseñor.
(See my previous post: “The Perfect Woman?”.)
But now I realize what I really need is:
A Hot Girl Named Tonto.
I sleep in a room on the east side of the house,
so the sun barges through the blinds
anytime it wants too!
Okay, during the day,
but especially in the mornings.
Plus, that same room’s on the street side,
so the street light shines in too!
So sometimes, I wear a sleep mask.
Which reminds me of the Lone Ranger’s mask.
So that’s why marrying a woman named Tonto
would be so beneficial.
Every night,
we could ride off into the sunset,
metaphorically speaking.
(Especially since the sun sets
on the other side of the house.)
I know looks don’t form the foundation
for a lasting relationship,
but she’d still have to be a hot girl.
Because I don’t want to adjust
the temperature on the thermostat.
And a cold girl won’t let me blast the air!
If finding such a fantastic female named Tonto fails,
I can always marry a gal named Robin
and sew pointy ears onto the sides of my sleep mask,
so I can be Batman.
Which, when you think about it, makes more sense.
But although I’d love to fend off super villains
in Gotham City,
such a ploy might not work for me,
because technically,
Batman doesn’t sleep at night.
Not that we’d sleep the whole time anyway,
but still.
And then,
in the morning,
as my wife and I awaken to face a new day,
I can say, “Let’s go Robin!”
So then,
any hot girls named Tonto or Robin,
please contact me right away!
Or any hot girls named
Ms. McPhee, Colbie, Carley Rae, …
George Carlin:
Never raise your hands to your kids.
It leaves your groin unprotected.
Jerry Seinfeld:
Men want the same thing from their underwear
that they want from women:
A little bit of support;
and a little bit of freedom.
Dean Burkey:
Booze:
Don’t over think it;
don’t over drink it.
Mitch Hedberg:
That would be cool if the earth’s crust
was made out of graham cracker.
It would disappear just like the ozone layer,
but for completely different reasons.
Steven Wright:
Experience is something you don’t get
until just after you need it.
