Happy Birthday Woody Allen!

Tomorrow (December 1) Is 
Woody Allen’s Birthday ... 

Happy Birthday 

Woody Allen!

Photo Source:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00000IMSB

What first got me interested in writing comedy? 

Looking through an issue of “Scholastic” magazine in eleventh grade and reading this opening passage in “The UFO Menace” by Woody Allen: 

“UFOs are back in the news, and it is high time we took a serious look at this phenomenon. (Actually, the time is ten past eight, so not only are we a few minutes late but I’m hungry.)” 

I had never read anything like that before! 

I had been interested in comedy long before that; and would even make up jokes, but I do believe that reading that little bit got me interested in writing comedy.  

(That bit of humorous prose got me literally interested in writing literary comedy.) 

(And possibly that little bit inspired me to use parentheses so much.)

You can read “The UFO Menace” and more at this link which provides the texts from Woody Allen’s third collection of short stories and essays: “Side Effects”.

http://www.angelfire.com/blog2/endovelico/WoodyAllen-SideEffects.txt

I attribute my writing of “Monster Laughs” to my being inspired by his “Count Dracula” piece in his first collection: “Getting Even”.

Plus, “Seasons Without Reason”, the title piece from my first collection of short stories and such, was heavily influenced by Woody Allen’s “Reminiscences: Places and People”, also from “Side Effects”.  That was me trying to be Woody Allen!  

I hope and wish and pray I’ve developed my own style since then.  Or, at the very least, that I’ve acquired enough other influences, that they’ve blended into something unique that stands on its own. 

I am progressing as a writer; and have moved away from wanting to be Woody Allen.  Nothing against Woody Allen, but Woody Allen’s already the best Woody Allen around, so there’s no need for me to compete with him.  Especially when I’m too busy trying to be the best Dean Burkey I can be.  I hope to have my latest comedy novella done before Christmas.  

Something I enjoyed recently ...

... was listening to Woody Allen read his own stories.  

(Okay, I didn’t enjoy it at first, because he sounded like he was at death’s door; and that made me feel super sad.  Not unlike the time I cried after seeing “Stardust Memories”, because I thought he wasn’t going to make funny movies any more.  And technically speaking, I wasn’t entirely wrong.  But anyway, after learning he just had a cold when he recorded those stories, I enjoyed them much better.  Because, even with a cold, nobody reads Woody Allen like Woody Allen.) 

What got me interested in film comedy? 

I’ve always loved funny movies, but I remember, back in junior high, before the days of the phrase middle school, being mesmerized by the previews for the Woody Allen film “Love and Death”. 

As Woody Allen says: “My father owned a small but valuable piece of property”, an old bearded man reaches into his coat and pulls out a piece of sod that he holds majestically.

Uploaded by OwlCreekOccurrence on May 14, 2009

Love and Death (1975) Theatrical Trailer with Woody Allen voice-over.

Thank you Woody 

for lots of happy memories and laughs; 

and even though we’ve never met, 

thank you for helping a young kid 

learn comedy by your hilarious examples.

... Not me.  

But I’m sure you helped some young kid somewhere!

... Okay me.

And thank you!

Happy Birthday 

Woody Allen!

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

P. S. See also I Am Not Woody Allen!

Uploaded by ognet on Aug 21, 2007

Classic Woody Allen Stand Up On English Television From 1965

 

Woof! Woof! What?!

Woof! Woof! What?!

Photo Source: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0002VEYV8

“Timmy fell down a well,” 

said Lassie doggedly. 

Golden retrievers make great pets. 

The only problem is, ... 

when they come to tell you that Timmy fell down a well, ... 

they mumble. 

“What’s that girl? Timmy doesn’t know how to spell? Jimmy wants to ring a bell? Who’s Jimmy? And where’s he getting a bell?” 

By the time you figure out what your golden retriever’s trying to tell you, you’re going to need a new Timmy. 

And you might want to purify the well. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

This Video Uploaded to YouTube by J.C. Wren on May 20, 2006

Free Cookies Are Great, Even If They're Crummy

Free Cookies Are Great, 
Even If They’re Crummy

Photo Source: Homemade Cookies by Yana Ray

My neighbor baked me cookies. 

Isn’t that sweet? 

She wanted to thank me for helping her bury her grandfather in a new vegetable garden in her backyard. 

She couldn’t afford a coffin or a burial plot, so I helped her out, because I know how tough times are. 

The weird thing is, her grandfather resembled her husband who’s been missing ever since. 

Odder still, was her grand pappy died by falling and bumping the back of his head five times against the base of a lamp. 

And from cleaning his gun and having it go off twice to the chest and once to the forehead. 

But hey, free cookies are free cookies. 

Unfortunately, my other neighbor’s cat, the annoying Calico that leaves dead mice by my back door and meows after midnight, climbed in my kitchen window and ate the cookies before I could. 

And shortly thereafter, I had to help that neighbor bury her cat. 

Did I say “unfortunately”?  

I meant, times are tough, but things have a way of working themselves out.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

This Video Uploaded to YouTube by FreddyLH on Feb 1, 2009

  

Cluck, Cluck on the Range!

Cluck, 
Cluck on the Range!

Photo Source: Chicken Crossing by Peter Griffin

Chicken Crossing?  
Why?

Have you ever heard people say we should eat free-range chicken? 

Instead of caged chicken. 

Because the free-range chickens get to roam, roam on the range, while the caged chickens spend their whole lives in cages, only to be slaughtered and served as nuggets or noodle soup. 

But I feel worse just thinking about eating a free-range chicken. 

They’re roaming free, but then they get slaughtered because I’ve got the munchies? 

That’s sad. 

But the caged chickens? 

Well, I’m relieving them of their misery, while stopping my stomach from growling. 

A truly win-win situation. 

They’re free to roam the range in the sky; 

and I’m free to enjoy some delicious pot pie. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

This Video Uploaded to YouTube by Gimmeanewuser on Sep 16, 2011

Fishing Kit and 2 Chickens $65

Photo Source:
http://donate.worldvision.org/OA_HTML/xxwv2ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?section=10366&item=1766961

   

Have a Great, Full, Grateful Day!

Have a Great, Full, 
Grateful Day!

Photo Source: Turkey by Peter Griffin

How did a day set aside for offering thanks to for multiple blessings get reduced to our merely muttering Gobble-Gobble? 

Not every turkey is slaughtered for Thanksgiving. Many wind up in front of us in line on Black Friday. 

Thanksgiving, the day we give thanks that we can stuff our faces full of food. 

Great gravy! We can give thanks to God for our many blessings; and eat stuffing! Which gives another reason to give thanks. 

Sadly, the sanctity of Thanksgiving depends heavily upon the amount of whipped cream used to cover the pumpkin pie. 

We needn’t worry about gaining weight on Thanksgiving. Whatever weight we gain, we can walk off. Of course, that may involve our having to walk across the country. 

Thank you for reading my blog, 

have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

See also: 
Thanks A Lot!
&
Thanksgiving Aftermath, Black Friday Frenzy, 
and The Best Deal Ever!

This Video Uploaded to YouTube by Rachel Powell on Dec 1, 2009

Which Way Are You Turning? Right Or Left?

Which Way Are You Turning? 
Right Or Left?

Photo Source: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004940ZNK

I feel sad for the inventor of the turn signal.

Mister Signal, or maybe Ms. Turn. 

He or she must feel stupid since so many people misuse or ignore such a clever device. 

You don’t turn it on as your turn. It’s called a signal! 

If you wait until you turn, you’re not signaling anybody. 

A turn signal’s a simple common courtesy to let others know your directional intentions. 

You can operate it with a flip of your pinky. 

If only more people would do so; they’d spend less time having to flip other fingers. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

Uploaded by mrtamberineman123 on Aug 11, 2009

   

Wet's Walk About Weebles

Wet’s Walk About Weebles

Photo Source: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003UHMBVQ

Wet’s walk about Weebles. What? Wemember Weebles? 

“Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down.” * 

Which makes me think Weebles would make great flight attendants. 

“Wow! Despite all that turbulence, those Weebles never fell down.” 

“Oh sure, they wobbled, but even when we crashed, those Weebles never fell down.” 

Which means Weebles would stink at Ring Around the Rosie. 

“Come on Weebles, get it right! ‘Ashes, ashes, we all fall down!’ So close! I thought we had it that time. You Weebles are hopeless. Forget the fair lady, looks like London Bridge won’t work either.” 

Makes me wonder was Elvis a Weeble? 

Maybe so, but Gerald Ford and Chevy Chase were not. 

Iceberg or not, if the Titanic had been a giant Water Weeble, it would have never sunk. 

Everyone in California should have Weebles in every womb; I mean, room. Once they start to wobble, you know The Big One’s on the way. 

“Wow! Forget Richter, that registered a 7.6 on the Weeble scale.” 

(Sophisticated/British voice): “What are these Weebles of which you speak?” 

I shall speak no more of Weebles. Instead, I shall sing! 

(Sing): “We are the world; we are the Weebles. We are the ones who quake, but never will fall downly. There’s a world we’re wobbling; we’re shaking our own lives. It’s true, we won’t fall away, just you and me.” **

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

* The ad slogan for Weebles as demonstrated in this vintage Weeble commercial: 

This video was uploaded to YouTube by VintageTVCommercials on Mar 5, 2009

** My parody of the song “We Are The World” written by Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie. 

Daunting Date Ads

Daunting Date Ads

Photo Source: Love by Junior Libby

I’m too exciting for women.  Most of them want someone boring.  It’s true.  Their date ads say they don’t want men who are into playing games.  

But I say, what’s wrong with Pictionary?  

It’s like charades on paper!  

If they don’t want to have fun, I don’t need them either.  Not when I’ve got FreeCell and Minesweeper.  

Although a little Twister would be fun.  

I mean, when the right girl comes along.  


I saw a date ad by a woman who said she was looking for an intelligent lover.  

Either the dorks she’s been dating don’t know what they’re doing.  

Or instead of “Oh baby, oh baby!”, she wants to hear “E = M C Square” or insightful quotes from Nietzche or Kierkegard.  

Or maybe she just wants someone who can program her DVR.  

So she won’t miss Ellen or The View.  


A lady who doesn’t include a picture in her date ad must have something to hide.  The chances she’s a supermodel who doesn’t want to be judged based solely on her looks are slimmer than the chances of winning the lottery.  

So instead of wasting your time and money and getting your hopes up, only to have them dashed to the ground and run over by a proverbial steamroller, buy a lottery ticket and hope for the best.  

If you win, you can afford to date a supermodel.  

Or better yet, spend your money wisely.  Like on funny books by Dean Burkey, so when you meet someone special, you can entertain her with your wit and charm.  

Okay, you can entertain her with my wit and charm.  

But I don’t mind, as long as your checks clear.  

Hurry!  Before my Kindle book prices go up December 1! 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

This video was uploaded to YouTube by tabysbroom on Apr 25, 2011

  

Happy Veteran's Day!

Happy Veteran’s Day!

Photo Source: Headstone With Flowers by Shari Weinsheimer

Happy Veteran’s Day?  

That doesn’t sound right; does it?  

Isn’t that like saying Happy Day of Atonement?  

Or Happy Ash Wednesday?  
Or even something along the lines of the freakish phrases: Fun Funeral, Delightful Death, or Appealing Apocalypse. 

I feel sad that the world has wars (a.k.a. conflicts) and that we can’t just all get along.  The universe has more than enough resources, if only we would all just learn to trust and share.  

But it’s like the Earth is a Mega-Giant Screen HD 3-D Plasma TV; and each country wants control of the remote.  

Can’t we let each other take turns watching our favorite shows?  

Or can’t we build multiple monitors, metaphorically speaking, so everyone can enjoy the proverbial programming of his/her own choice all the time?  

Apparently not.  

At least, not yet.  

So we do have wars (a.k.a. conflicts), which is why we need the brave people who help protect our way of life and our very lives, which is why I say:   

Thank you to our veterans who served our country well; and thank you to our current military and other civil servants who daily risk their lives to protect us and help us live in peace.  

And so, my friends, I hope that one day soon, we can all get along and work together, not only to create a wonderful world without war, but to create a wonderfully, wonderful world, where everyone can wear marshmallow life-jackets while paddling down a river of chocolate in a peanut butter raft with graham cracker oars, accompanied by his/her own favorite supermodel clone.  

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

P. S. Please enjoy how British comedy troupe Monty Python’s Flying Circus presents a different kind of warfare in their sketch The Killer Joke: 

This video was uploaded to YouTube by mpython72 on Mar 13, 2007