Gender-Shifting Hit Tunes to Maintain One’s Dignity

Gender-Shifting Hit Tunes 

to Maintain One’s Dignity

Published on Nov 11, 2011 by KatyPerryVEVO | #72 on the YouTube 100

Oftentimes, a hit tune’s sung by someone of the opposite gender, but the song’s so catchy we want to sing along regardless. Unfortunately, such ardent fervor can lead to embarrassment. Just ask any guy caught singing “I Am Woman”, “My Man Done Did Me Wrong”, or “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”.

A current example would be Katy Perry’s latest hit “The One That Got Away”. It’s such a fun song, that I wanna sing along. Too bad it has the line: “In another life, I would be your girl.” *

The remedy? This is so simple. Once you hear it, you’ll laugh at yourself for not coming up with it. All you have to do is change the word girl to squirrel. That way everything still rhymes. And you can fulfill your childhood fantasy of becoming Rocky the Squirrel.

You know you want to. The moose was too goofy. But Rocky was always the sensible one who really ran the show. And he could fly. What more do you want? It’d be like being Moe of the Three Stooges, only with Superman’s powers! That’s the dream!

Well, that’s the dream if your Lois Lane gets to be Katharine McPhee.

Thus, the first part of the chorus becomes:

“In another life, I would be your squirrel. 

We’d be chasing chipmunks; it’d be us against the world.” *

In many ways, I think the new and improved lyrics make a lot more sense.

Find your favorite songs; and change: 

Girl to Squirrel. 

Woman to Whoa man. 

Mother to Mugger. 

Hootchie-Momma to Nassau, Bahama. 

Sexy thing to Stingray sting. 

Lipstick to Dipstick. 

Makeup to  Fake cup. 

Eyeliner to Coal miner. 

Lady to Ladle, 

because soup ladles have no gender. 

Darling to Dollar, 

because everybody loves money. 

So now you can sing along to all your favorite songs without wondering if you’ll sound foolish, because you’ll already know.

At least that’s what we guys need to do. For girls, you can see songs from a male perspective without any complaints, because you’re doing so is so darling and endearing and downright hot.

The best thing about the song “The One That Got Away”; and the reason that keeps me singing it, is that it’s Katy Perry’s inadvertent advertisement for my latest book “The Faith of a Ketchup Seed”. 

The story “Across the Multi-Verse” talks about other worlds that differ from our own, so her singing “In another life” promotes my book. So yay Katy, what a lady! Or yay Kadle, what a ladle!

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

* The song “The One That Got Away” was written by Katy Perry, Lukasz Gottwald, and Max Martin. 

Coming Attractions: July 2! An Amazing Post about Spider-Man!

Powerful Panda Points and Other Super Thoughts

Powerful Panda Points 

and Other Super Thoughts

My friends worry about me when we see superhero movies. ‘Cause afterwards, I’ll say, “That was fun. But that’s not how it really happened.” 

I enjoyed “Kung Fu Panda”. Just watched that last weekend. Lots of stars provided the voices for an add assortment of characters. Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman, Angelina Jolie, Lucy Lui, Seth Rogen, David Cross, and many more. 

SPOILER ALERT: Bananas turn brown when they spoil.

(In other words, if you haven’t seen that movie yet, you might want to skip the next two paragraphs.) 

I especially liked the philosophical notion the movie presented: “There is no Special Ingredient.” (Although, technically speaking, the Special Ingredient is faith and/or self-confidence.) 

I also liked how the very thing about which the Panda got picked on, became the reason he overcame. Kind of like “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” where his shiny red nose saves the day. 


Turns out this is the summer I finally get my super powers, so I’m looking forward to do that. 

First, I had to prove to the Super-Power-Giver-Outters* that my heart is in the right place. 

I was like, “Duh! Underneath the rib cage. Right where it belongs!”

I just hope I get cool powers like shooting webs or tossing tanks. 

And not something stupid like talking to fish. 

Or activating Wonder Twin powers. 

If I’m gonna get silly powers like those, I might as well just remain human. 

I’d rather have my dignity than get goofy powers far beyond those of mere mortal men. 

Maybe they’re gonna give me super speed, because they keep talking about how slow I am. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

Coming Attractions: July 2! An Awesome Post about The Amazing Spider-Man!

* (Not their real name; maybe if I remembered their name, they would have empowered me decades ago.) 

Mister Dean The Party Animal!

Mister Dean 

The Party Animal!

Who knew a birthday party for a five-year old kid could be so much fun? 

My friend Walt threw a party for his second son Timmy and invited me. Since I was the only adult present who wasn’t a parent, I had to sit at the kid’s table. Ugh! 

Fortunately though, that meant I got to participate in the party games. And I won every event! Those little boogers never stood a chance. 

“I’m King of the World!” 

I should say I won every physical event. Somehow I came in third in the Trivia Contest. 

I’ve never been to the General Grant National Memorial, so how could I possibly know who’s buried in Grant’s tomb? * 

Despite what the answer card said, I still assert that a cow’s favorite activity is eating hay, or making faux chocolate hockey pucks, a.k.a. fertilizer patties; NOT going to the MOOOOOOOvies. * 

That’s so stupid too! When have you ever seen a bovine of any sort sitting at the cinema? 

Since pirates could care less about trees, why would their favorite day be ARRRRRRRbor Day? * 

That doesn’t make any sense either! I think that game was rigged. 

Maybe Walt was mad at me for bouncing everyone else out of the Bounce House. But isn’t that why it’s called a BOUNCE House? 

Those rabid little snots are such sore losers too! Literally crying to their mommies. Grow up; why don’t ya’?! 

Plus, my pal probably felt angry that his kid got scraped and bruised when I drug him along the yard during the three-legged race. But hey, I play to win. And Birthday Boy or not, I wasn’t gonna let Little Timmy the Cry Baby slow me down. 

Really didn’t mean to conk his head on the sprinkler system. But we won! You’d think Walt would be happy about that. And not so obsessed with the number of stitches Timmy needed. 

Through it all though, I know our friendship still means a lot to Walt, ‘cause I overheard him telling the others, that I’m SPECIAL! 

Blessings & Joy,

Mister Dean

* The Grant’s tomb bit is based on the old joke: Who’s buried in Grant’s tomb?
The MOOOOOOOvies joke came from a silly joke book my sister had when she was in elementary school.
I followed that same kind of “logic” to make the ARRRRRRRbor Day joke, but that’s probably in some silly joke books too, since it didn’t require too much thinking. 

Finding the Perfect Father's Day Card

Finding the Perfect 

Father's Day Card

I went to get my Dad a Father’s Day; and I started reading this one that said all kinds of wonderful stuff: 

“I don’t thank you enough for all the wonderful things you do.” 

“You taught me everything I need to know that’s good and right; and much, much more.” 

And I thought, “Wow! He’s going to love this. This is the perfect card! This says everything I want to say.” 

So I kept reading. “Your wisdom, your guidance, your love have helped to make me the woman I am today.” 

The what?! “Woman?” 

Where did that come from? I liked the card so much, I thought I could White-Out the W-O. 

But the background was pink, not white. Perhaps the pink background should’ve clued me in. 

That; and the big picture on the front of puckered red lips. 

So that’s why that card was categorized under: Father’s Day Greetings from Hootchie Mamas.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

P.S. Here’s my Father’s Day post from last year: 

Happy Father’s Day!

Lots of Laughs for Less than a Dollar!

Lots of Laughs

for Less than a Dollar!

*

Now available on Kindle for only ninety-nine cents each!

Fear not, laugh a lot, as Paranormal Investigator Eddie Hunter, a.k.a. the Mystery Hunter, matches wits with Count Dracula, the Werewolf, Frankenstein’s Monster, and many other madcap menaces, classic and new, from around the world and beyond. 

“Monster Laughs” spoofs monsters and more. Each hilarious chapter of this epic comedy novel stands on its own, while a story weaves its way throughout. No matter how dangerous the situation, the Mystery Hunter keeps his sense of humor, somehow survives, and finds time to enjoy waffles, pie, and bowling. Only he could save the world with bubble gum and burritos. 

In an Odyssey of Oddities, comedian Dean Burkey tackles the Invisible Man, Space Aliens, and other infamous frights. Further scary topics include romantic misunderstandings, macho insecurities, & diminishing dignity. 

I also fixed the problem mentioned in my blog post: "The Writing Nightmare".

From dark humor to zany, from highbrow to slapstick, author/comedian Dean Burkey creates comical escapades with two dozen plus short stories/essays starting with the title piece about a wacky world indeed and ending with two scientists striving to discover the secret to comedy.

Between these entertaining tales, fast-food’s melodramatic, thugs peg the voice of a cartoon mouse as an informant, zombies eat bacon, Einstein offers fitness advice, a tight-rope walker in distress learns an insight into himself at the worst possible time, John Napier discovers the decimal point, and much more.

Take a stress break, a mini-vacation; and let yourself embrace the bizarre, the comical, the wacky worlds of “Seasons Without Reason”, “Fast Food Follies”, “The Mouse that Squeaked”, “Breakfast of the Living Dead”, “Exercise = MC2”, “Turning Point”, “We Get the Point!”, “Woo-Hoo! Happy Birthday to Me!”, “Are Aliens from a Superior Race Stealing Our Laundry?”, “The Five Stages of Grief for Burnt Waffles”, “My Stolen Step-Ins”, “The Twelve-Step Program for People with Overdue Library Books”, “Brat-Sitter”, “How to Sell Lots and Lots of Angel Scout Cookies”, “Origins of Golf Lingo”, “Catch 23”, “First Fight”, “Philosophy of Chips”, “You Look Tasty!”, “No Deposit, ...”, “Cannibal Conundrum”, “Seven Dozen and Three Years Ago”, “Origins of Stand-Up Comedy Lingo”, “A Dribble Glass Can Be a Beautiful Thing”, “Art Schmart”, and “The Secret to Comedy”.

From the author of "Monster Laughs" and "Seasons Without Reason" comes a delightfully funny novella about modern romance and the various means men use to avoid long-term entanglements.

For the shallow of soul and faint of heart, no phrase frightens more than "till death does us part". Or so thinks Dennis Peterson whose fear of commitment so clouds his judgment that he fanatically follows his friend Buddy's bad advice which, unbeknownst to him, was given in jest: "If you're so afraid of making a lifelong commitment, find a woman with a short life span. Someone hot. With only a little while to live."

Men make their means of avoiding romantic entanglements, but their methods soon backfire. Do you want someone to love? Or just some body? To avoid needless heartache and other unwanted complications, make sure you know your way out, before you enter into anything. Especially love.

In "Exit Strategies", Dean pokes fun at love, romance, and all their heartache and stress. While still a comedy, this one gets more serious than the other two. More romantic too. PG-13. While the other two are free from foul language, this book uses the same word the King James Version of The Bible uses for donkey.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: 

Born backwards on Christmas Eve, author/comedian Dean Burkey has always viewed the world from a different angle. A lifelong student of comedy, he finds humor in the strangest situations to create exciting and comical adventures. He enjoys performing improv comedy with the ImprovAddicts.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

"Holy Laughter! Humor in the Bible" and "Faith like a Ketchup Seed" are still only $2.99 each. 

* Click the Free Kindle Reading Apps banner above to be able to read Kindle books without having to buy a Kindle!

An Inconvenient Fiction

“An Inconvenient Fiction”

With zeal and fervor akin to Jor-El trying to save Krypton from destruction, a certain former vice president allegorically championed the need to thwart global warming in his documentary “An Inconvenient Truth”. Unfortunately, the basis for the problem’s cause should be dubbed “An Inconvenient Fiction”. 

While he fervently blames the Earth’s increased temperatures on climate change, the actual cause is something else, something so obvious to everyone else: 

Terra-forming by space aliens! 


In preparation for their attack, when they will colonize the Earth and turn us into dust, slaves, or snacks. 

Of course, when I said this is obvious to everyone else, by everyone else, I meant subscribers to the Syfy Channel. 

So feel free to keep the refrigerator door open longer; and roll down your car windows when the air is on. Empty your ice chest outside too. Only by doing so can we help lower the Earth’s temperature; and thwart the space aliens’ attempts to hijack our favorite planet. 

Don’t forget to wrap your head in aluminum foil, so those intergalactic fiends can’t read your mind. Otherwise, no one else in the field of extra-terrestrial relations will take you seriously. 

The pinwheel hat is optional. 

As is the lobster bib with the flying saucer insignia. 

Admittedly, the red cape serves no useful function. It’s just fun. Especially when used in conjunction with the aforementioned pinwheel hat. 

Live long and prosper. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

The Writing Nightmare

The Writing Nightmare

Photo by Daniel Terry.

Writing a blog post about nightmares (see The Worst Nightmares Ever), reminded me of the Godzilla dream that inspired the department store scene in the Space Alien chapter of Monster Laughs, which got me to thinking: How does the Mystery Hunter get his trench coat and fedora back? Thus, while writing about nightmares, I uncovered a writing nightmare! 

Here’s the paragraph from page 180: 

Having switched clothes with a mannequin during my delightful conversation with the young screamer, I ducked under the sales counter.  A second later, a big blue hand reached into the store and grabbed the mannequin.  

You see? The giant alien grabs the Mystery Hunter’s clothes, which would be more than just his trench coat and fedora. 

Page 181 has this short paragraph: 

I removed my fancy fedora and nodded.  

So how did he get his outfit back? 

What if he doesn’t use his own outfit? Since his trench coat’s akin to Batman’s utility belt, he wouldn’t want to separate himself from his assortment of gadgets. 

Having dressed a mannequin with an outfit similar to mine during my delightful conversation with the young screamer, I ducked under the sales counter.  A second later, a big blue hand reached into the store and grabbed the mannequin.  

That should work. So if you hurry, you might be able to order a rare copy with the previous paragraph, before the change gets made. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey