Showing posts with label Hulk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hulk. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

The Great Divide


 
Photo Source: 
Lonely Planet Grand Canyon National Park (Travel Guide)

Well, the divorce is final. It was a tough, demoralizing, debilitating battle, but at last, I’m finally free. I’m no longer married to myself. 

 
Photo Source: Hulk [Blu-ray]

I’m happy and sad all at the same time. Like when the first Hulk movie came out. Happy there was a Hulk movie, but sad it turned out the way it did. 

 
Photo Source: All By Myself

I’m happy I divorced myself, but I still feel sad. After all, I’d known me my whole life. And sure, I can be fun. But after hanging around me all that time, I started getting on my nerves. Can I not do any other funny voices than Brian Regan? 

 
Photo Source: We Can Work It Out

And I could even put up with that. What bugged me though. Was I always wanted things done my way. I tried to work things out, but in the end, I saw no other recourse than to divorce myself. 


On the bright side ladies, that means I’m available. But you’d better hurry, because I keep trying to get back with me. And sometimes, I feel so lonely, I actually entertain the thought of getting back with my ex. I find it hard to stay away from me. But what can I do? It’s like I’m everywhere I go. 


Bride Can't Stop Laughing During Wedding Vows


Uploaded on Sep 7, 2009 by

Razzle-Dazzle with Zazzle



 
Find the Lowest Car Insurance Rates!

Brian Regan at the improv

Uploaded on Jun 24, 2007 by

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Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Worst Nightmares Ever

The Worst Nightmares Ever


Some nightmares are fun, 
because they’re so exciting. 
Especially if they have cool plot twists 
I can apply to my writing. 

Like the time Godzilla chased me. Yes, a monster the size of a skyscraper! And yet that little bit of horror inspired the department store scene in the Space Alien chapter of Monster Laughs. 

Being chased by monsters or other scary beings can be frightening, to be sure, especially when Venom comes after you, even if you are Spider-Man, but to me, the worst nightmares ever are when I’m the monster. Not literally. But metaphorically. Although I was the Hulk once or twice. (Back when the TV show was on.) 

I dread dreams where I’m mean. I hate to think such evil lurks inside me. Worse yet, that I would ever let it out. 


Last night I dreamt I called someone I love very dearly a naughty name and then screamed, “I hate you!” (It’s not a word that would ever be bleeped, but it’s insulting just the same. The insult didn’t even fit the person to whom it was addressed, but I felt angry.) 

I’ve even died in a dream before. (I know you’re not supposed to, but I did.) My chute didn’t open. I landed in Lake Bentley; and piranha attacked me. I’d say that’s fatal. But even that wasn’t as bad a dream as me being mean. 

I dreamt I was working late, writing well into the night. Only I still lived in the house where I grew up. I made sure I stayed quiet, so I wouldn’t wake up everyone else. At some point, I couldn’t read my clock; and I was curious about the time, so I got up to look at a clock in another room. I wondered how late it was. Lo, and behold, it was only 6 pm. Not only that, there was a big pool party going on! So I got mad that I wasn’t invited to a party at my own house. 
That’s the gist of it. 

I had the Venom dream over a decade ago. Before Spider-Man 3 came out. Even before Spider-Man 1 came out. After my appendix burst, I stayed with my parents to recover. While staying there, I dreamt I was Spider-Man. Venom chased me. We both climbed walls, shot webs, and swung around, which was cool. We were at a hospital. Bob Hope and Brooke Shields were both in the dream too. So as scary as Venom’s relentless assault was, that dream was too cool to be called a nightmare. 

I’m Spider-Man; and Brooke Shields is there, what more does any dreamer want? Having Bob Hope present only added to the fun. Venom just made things exciting. 

May all your dreams be sweet! And may you be a superhero, not a villain, not only in your dreams, but in your waking hours too.

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Friday, April 20, 2012

The Perfect Plan: Foiled! (Part 2)

The long-awaited sequel 
to my previous post: 



So I listed the Ruffles potato chip that blessedly bore the image of the much beloved and dearly departed Mother Teresa on eBay. 


Although I listed the auction with an opening bid of $0.99, the price jumped to $13,675.92 within the first five minutes! 


The bidding climbed over two million dollars by nightfall. Thanks to Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and the Pope wanting to honor the blessed memory of Mother Teresa.  


Because nothing honors a person’s memory more than having a potato chip with that person’s face enshrined for all to see. 


An anonymous, underground group seeking global domination doubled the bid to four million at midnight, because they knew that whoever owned this potato chip would rule the world! 


Thanks to my adding that fun “fact” to the item description. I covered myself by tacking on a disclaimer that such claims cannot be substantiated; and since no one reads disclaimers, I was golden! Ka-Ching!


As the bidding soared over ten million, with Richard Branson not wanting to miss out on the auction action, I started to feel faint. 


You’d think I would’ve felt elated to make a fortune so easily. But in the excitement of the escalating bidding wars, I forgot to eat. 


Being hypoglycemic, I feared another episode, like the time I “Hulked out” and endangered the lives of an entire continent. 


(Sure, the continent was Antarctica; and the lives were penguins, but still, in my low-sugar-induced fury empowered by a hunger headache and a flamethrower, I almost torched that place which would’ve melted away the homes of those sweet, frigid creatures.) 


So I did what any person suffering from low blood sugar should do. I ate something. 


Unfortunately, I ate the first thing I could find. A potato chip. The Ruffles potato chip that was making my dreams come true. 


Continuing to eat, I wolfed down my beefy bean breakfast burrito that bore the image of Mahatma Ghandi. 


The worst part is, I still felt hungry, so I nibbled on a Nilla Vanilla wafer that looked like Nixon. 


I even ate a bundt cake with the face of St. Francis of Assisi.


Man, was I ravenous! Which didn’t make sense after my eating all those brownies my neighbor Cheech gave me. 


Shortly thereafter, I began seeing the faces of famous folks on food.


I’ll resume seeking fame and fortune after a double dose of Alka-Seltzer and a Colon Cleanse. 


Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey


Please Note: This is a fictitious work of humor and parody with no maliciousness nor disparagement intended. Mother Teresa dedicated her life to serving others, especially those abandoned by society. Nothing in this post is meant to malign her memory or insult anyone else. Also, this blog does not endorse nor condone the use of illegal drugs. Even if they are baked into tasty brownies. The main character in this intrepid tale did not realize that he did or did not partake of such. Proof that this is a work of fiction: I did not put peanut butter on the brownies. If you see me eat a brownie without first applying peanut butter, that is not me, but an evil clone, alien cyborg, or shape-shifter who must be destroyed. Or given a jar of peanut butter. Furthermore, any claims, implied or otherwise, that reading this blog will help you take over the world cannot be substantiated. But that’s no reason to cease funding. Because you never know. 
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