Monday, July 9, 2012

Eyewitness Proof That Life Existed on Other Planets!


I can tell you for a fact that there is life on other planets.

Or, at least, there was.

Small part of the Cydonia region, taken by the Viking 1orbiter and released by NASA/JPL on July 25, 1976.
Photo and Caption Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cydonia_(region_of_Mars)

Having had so much fun with my homemade portal to other dimensions (see Jacko, Elvis, and The Albino Bigfoot), I traveled through it again and wound up on the far side of the universe where I found a planet of eerie beings, who each looked a lot like E.T., only with Nixon’s face.

(That’s what made them eerie.)

And that was just their women!

The “handsomest” of their men resembled Bigfoot. Only with ZZ Top beards and a Snidely Whiplash mustache. Strange race indeed. 

Somehow they created a portal to our dimension too, not so they could travel, but so they could watch our television shows. An advanced race would have developed Dish Network. 


Having had so much fun with my homemade portal to other dimensions (see my previous blog), I traveled through it again and wound up on the far side of the universe where I found a planet of eerie beings, who each looked a lot like E.T., only with Nixon’s face.

(That’s what made them eerie.)

And that was just their women!

The “handsomest” of their men resembled Bigfoot. Only with ZZ Top beards and a Snidely Whiplash mustache. Strange race indeed. 


Somehow they created a portal to our dimension too, not so they could travel, but so they could watch our television shows. An advanced race would have developed Dish Network. 


Their viewing of said shows via said portal had a delay of a few decades. On the plus side, they could watch “Get Smart” and “The Monkees”. But instead, they chose to watch only one show, viewing each episode over and over again, memorizing each line and gesture. The show? “HeeHaw”! 


The top priority of their leading “scientists” was forrmulating theories proving the reality of wrestling. 


Their idea of a harp of gold was a banjo of tin. 


Their global anthem was the “HeeHaw” song “Where Oh Where Are You Tonight?”. Which they sung at least seven times a day. By choice! I would have admired their patriotism if only they had chosen a better anthem. 


Uploaded by  on Oct 15, 2010


Sadly, if you can imagine this getting any sadder, they didn’t use their mouths to create the sound made before singing “You was gone”.


Still, for inferior superior beings, they sure were hospitable and cordial. Too bad that when I left, I just happened to say: “Nice to have made your acquaintance.” 


How could I possibly know that those exact words were the vocal code to self-destruct their planet? 


Fortunately the two minute detonation sequence allowed me to leave in time. Just barely, but obviously I returned home okay. Shaken, but not stirred. 


Maybe a little stirred. 


Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, none of them survived. 


What kind of planet would foster such a silly global defense plan? 


Obviously, a planet where the people all loved “HeeHaw”, thought wrestling was real, and their anthem was “Where Oh Where Are You Tonight?”. 


So they weren’t “intelligent” in the strict sense of the word, or rather any sense of the word, except for their nifty portal, and some kind of zero-calorie snack chips bursting with cheesy flavor that were still user-friendly for those who are lactose intolerant. 


But their lack of brains and forethought didn’t mean their whole planet needed to die. Actually their whole solar system, or rather galaxy, since their planet’s destruction set off an interstellar chain reaction. 


The ramifications of which still continue. Echoes of destruction resounding throughout the universe! 


So, in effect, my little moment of polite cordiality may eventually destroy the entire universe. Including us. 




But in my defense, I didn’t know what else to say. I couldn’t compliment their choice of a favorite TV show. I couldn’t encourage the primary pursuit of their so-called “best brains”. And I couldn’t applaud their global anthem, catchy though it might be, the first time or two. 


So my act of honesty’s ending the universe. 


We should be fine. We’re billions of light years away. So our destruction shouldn’t be for another thousand years or so. 


Unless Einstein’s theorem about interstellar speed increasing exponentially turns out to be true. 


Or was that Murphy’s Law? 


Either way ... Oops! 


So you think the destruction of the universe is bad? I’ll tell you what’s bad. Wireless phone companies charging hidden fees. 

Blessings & Joy,
Dean


P.S. And what if I did destroy the universe by being honest and polite? I wouldn’t want to live in a world where we can’t be cordial and forthright. Like when I say hi to people; and they ignore me, I think: “If that’s the kind of world you want to live in: Where people aren’t friendly. Don’t complain when people aren’t nice to you, if you’re going to ignore those who are.”

P.P.S. If it makes you feel any better. The interplanetary space travel event might’ve just been my stopping by my neighbor’s during a “HeeHaw” marathon. Sometimes I encounter difficulty distinguishing between my back door and a portal to another dimension. Especially after a heavy rain. But in my defense, I warned them not to double my dosage. 

PLEASE NOTE: This is a work of humor/parody. (If I don’t post that notice, space aliens steal the prizes from the bottoms of my boxes of sugary breakfast cereals.) 



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Friday, July 6, 2012

Jacko, Elvis, and The Albino Bigfoot


Photo Source: **

While waiting for the download of a lengthy, but vital, video about how to defeat a certain Reptilian Race of Space Aliens (as explained in my previous blog: As You Celebrate Independence Day, Ask Yourself This:). Or it may have been an insightful documentary about mud-wrestling supermodels. 

Either way, I found myself with time to kill, so I did what I always like to do in such situations. Maybe you do the same thing too. I’m sure everybody does this. ... 

I opened a portal to another dimension. 

Some people hijack UFOs. 

Others plunge through wormholes (which I find to be too tiny). 

But I just used a bobby pin to attach a rubber band to a particle accelerator, twisted the band real tight, and let her whirl! 

And maybe I attached some high-grade plutonium I borrowed from MacDill Air Force Base, but I admit nothing. 

Especially since I plan to return it. 

Eventually.  

Okay, it’s not always another dimension. Sometimes it’s glimpses of our own world. So I’m not sure if this was our world. Or another. But here’s what I found: 

Jacko hiking across the Himalayas with Elvis and the Abominable Snowman. 

A.k.a. The Albino Bigfoot. 

That is, the Abominable Snowman is also known as the Albino Bigfoot, not Elvis. 

Or maybe Elvis is the Abominable Snowman! 

That would explain a lot.

Like, why is the Abominable Snowman always humming and shaking his right leg? 

And why does his breath always wreak of peanut butter banana sandwiches? 


Yet he would be a little less abominable if he ate Altoids or chewed Eclipse gum. 

That is, the Abominable Snowman, not Elvis. 

Although at his age, even Elvis should chomp on some Dentyne to mask his denture stench.

Elvis being the Abominable Snowman would also explain the Albino Bigfoot’s mysterious Southern accent and his pronounced proclivity for gratitude, as he’s often quoted as saying: “Thank you. Thank you very much.” 

With Jacko tagging along, I now know how the Abominable Snowman learned the Moonwalk. 

Silly yeti! He almost fell off a couple cliffs dancing backwards so much. Obviously trying to impress Jacko. 

Which also explains why the Abominable Snowman kept saying the word Thriller.

Seriously, if he wasn’t growling, he was saying this is a Thriller; and that’s a Thriller. Doesn’t he know that if everything’s thrilling, nothing is thrilling? 



In the meantime, I’ll have to get my multi-dimensional portal fixed. Something’s wrong with the Locator Device. I wasn’t supposed to locate Jacko, Elvis, and the Albino Bigfoot; I was supposed to find Emma Stone, Rachel Bilson, and the Loch Ness Monster.

Blessings & Joy,
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Wednesday, July 4, 2012

As You Celebrate Independence Day, Ask Yourself This:

Enough with all those superhero/fantasy excursions, 
let's get back to reality! ...


As You Celebrate 
Ask Yourself This:


I know. We don't like to think of ourselves as slaves. Slaves never do! But Dylan said it best when he sang:

Uploaded by  on Dec 15, 2010

Sure, we like to think we're free. That's the delusion that gets us through each day. After all, we're the freest country in the world! Right? Too bad we're owned by a Reptilian Race of Space Aliens who control everything that happens on Earth. 

Yeah, that's a bummer. But don't let that thought cause you to choke on your 4th of July hot dog. To be safe, make sure you only picnic with people who know the Heimlich.

Our birth certificates aren't for identification. They're deeds of ownership for the serpentine creatures who rule our world. (Read the fine print!) 

And sure, the phrase serpentine creatures can easily be bandied about in a derogatory manner. But I assure you that I'm not doing so. Not only because I don't want those in charge to strike at my heels. But because the hottest, sexiest people on this planet are serpentine creatures. 




Okay, all of them aren't serpentine. 


Some are lizardy. 

Or crocodily. 


Or even alligatory, depending upon which hemisphere they prefer.

My secret sources on this matter are uncharacteristically convoluted and unclear about the exact details. But why would somebody post something to the Internet if it’s not true?

As far as I can tell, the Internet has just as much authority and reliability as a newspaper, an encyclopedia, and FOX news. 


Obviously, as can be seen above, they have excellent costuming and/or outstanding shape-shifting abilities. But is that any different than people who wear too much makeup? It's not!

Whether it's the Reptilian Race from Alpha Centauri who enslave us. Or those Bullish Barbarians from Aldebaran who barbecue us for snacks. Or even our own selfishness and insecurities that trap us. Let's not take the freedoms we think we have for granted. Instead, let's be thankful for what we have, while we still have it. And share the good things we have with those who don't. 



Perhaps that's too much reality for one day. Let's just plug into The Matrix and slide back into the delusions that get us through life. Even if we are deluded, we have the best delusions of anyone else on this planet!

So don't let those forked tongue liars steal your joy. Instead, celebrate! Enjoy the happiest of Independence Days. And by all means, DON'T choke on your hot dog. Otherwise, the Snakes win. 

Blessings & Joy,
Dean

 

* This is a work of humor/parody. (I have to say that in order to throw the "Snakes" off track. Otherwise, they might come after me. Which would only give themselves away. So that's a silly idea Snakes. Instead, you should shower me with money, so I'll be too distracted with scuba diving, paramotoring, and kayaking down a chocolate river with Kirsten Dunst to even think about ... what was I saying?)


COMING FRIDAY: Jacko, Elvis, and The Albino Bigfoot

COMING MONDAY: Eyewitness Proof That Life Existed on Other Planets!
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Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Amazing Spider-Man Is Spectacular!

Is Spectacular!
Fun, fun, fun movie, which turned out to be a lot of fun. I also enjoyed it immensely. Loved it too.

I saw it in 2D, so I'll bet it's Super Dee Duper Spectacular in IMAX 3D!

I felt the story started slow. But overall, it more than made up for that once Peter Parker got spider powers!
Published on May 3, 2012 by 


What made this one work more than the previous three is that Spidey had a sense of humor!

That's what was missing. One of the best things about Spider-Man is his witty wisecracks.

Inevitably, in the comic book, that is, when he's in trouble and too busy trying to find a way to beat the bad guy, the super villain says something like: "Where's your funny banter now Spider-Man?"


Stan Lee had a hilarious cameo! One of the best parts of Marvel Superhero Movies is the Stan Lee cameo!

I also enjoyed C. Thomas Howell's role a lot! I didn't think the producers could create another moving scene like the subway scene from Spider-Man 2, but they did.

(I'm being vague so I don't ruin the movie for those who haven't seen it yet.)


In many ways, the story seemed too similar to Spider-Man 1. But Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone both did great.

Was it worth rebooting? Yes! If only for Spidey having a sense of humor!

When you see it, there's a scene shortly after the closing credits begin. Not at the very end. So once you see the scene, you can go.
Rest In Peace: 
The closing credits dedicated the movie In Loving Memory to Laura Ziskin and someone else. I think I talked to her once on the phone. She was nice. Cordial. Or maybe I emailed her. I think I communicated with her after the first Spider-Man movie came out, because I wrote a screenplay for my own superhero. Too bad Hollywood wants established heroes. Anyway, my heart goes out to her's and the other person's families, friends, and coworkers. Thank you for the many happy memories you created.

For more Spidey/Superhero fun, be sure to read my blog posts: The Superhero with the Most TV Shows, My Favorite Superhero Movies, and What Makes Spider-Man So Amazing?.

The following comments are intended for people 
who have already seen the movie -- 
-- Like I said, the movie started slow. I didn't think they needed all that stuff about his parents. The film makes it seem like only Peter Parker could have become Spider-Man. But the fun of Spidey is the hope that we could get bit and become superheroes ourselves. The comic book What If # 7 "What If Someone Else Besides Spider-Man Had Been Bitten By The Radioactive Spider?" had three different people (Colonel John Jameson, Flash Thompson, and Betty Brant) get bit by that illustrious radioactive spider.
-- I didn't like that Gwen knew Spider-Man's secret identity. Especially so soon! That took away the biggest conflict in superhero movies! Plus, a big source of turmoil for Pete/Spidey in the comic books is that Gwen Stacy loved Peter Parker, but hated Spider-Man, because she blamed Spidey for her father's death. But since they did that anyway, I liked how he said, "I'm bitten." And she said, "Me too." That was cute. Plus, once she knew his identity, I loved how she smacked the Lizard with a stool and came to his aid. She even knew that her dad made him promise to stay away from her to keep her safe. 
-- Didn't seem right that the Lizard snuck up on Spider-Man more than once, since the Web-Head has Spider Sense. Plus, he should never have been hit by the bullet fired by that one police officer either. 
-- The Police Force blaming Spider-Man for Captain Stacy's death would have made things more difficult for Spider-Man, so that got missed. Also missing was J. Jonah Jameson! 
-- Having said all that, and I probably have more to say, I enjoyed the movie. The effects were amazing. The movie was fun! The scene with the cranes being lined was deeply moving. And I understand that when you translate a book, even a comic book, some things need to be altered for the screen. But the way Spidey webbed Gwen after he threw her out the school window is what killed her in The Amazing Spider-Man # 121.
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Monday, July 2, 2012

What Makes Spider-Man So Amazing?

What Makes Spider-Man So Amazing?
Uploaded by  on Feb 10, 2012


With the movie “The Amazing Spider-Man” coming out tomorrow (a.k.a. tonight at midnight!), this is the perfect time to discuss what makes Spidey so Spectacular!
Can you guess which bug inspired Stan Lee to create Spider-Man? 
(The answer appears below.) * 
Spider-Man first appeared in Amazing Fantasy # 15 **
in a story written by Stan Lee and illustrated by Steve Ditko.
Stan Lee made a teenager the superhero, in essence, making the sidekick the superhero! As if Robin got super powers and no longer had to endure Batman's condescension. Spider-Man doesn't need a wisecracking sidekick, because he's the hero and the comic relief all in one!

Although a re-boot of the movie franchise seems somewhat silly after only a few years running, I don't mind, because his sense of humor was sorely missing from the first three Spider-Man movies. (About one joke or two per movie is not enough!)

Although everyone hails Superman; and he makes heroic headlines, people fear Spider-Man; and The Daily Bugle posts headlines accusing Spidey of at best being a glory-hound; and at worst, being a criminal. Such bad publicity and several police warrants for his arrest cause most people not to cheer him, but to fear him.

Using the symbol of a spider didn't ingratiate Spidey with the public either. Thus, he's a hero whose efforts are rarely applauded. Which in effect proves he's no glory-hound as J. Jonah Jameson the editor of The Daily Bugle so adamantly asserts. If you've ever felt unappreciated, you can relate.

He didn't want to become a superhero. Often he tries to quit. Heroism isn't as fun for him as the other superheroes make it look. But he can't quit. Not for long anyway. Because the guilt and horror of his letting a crook get away still haunts him. Because that crook later killed his beloved Uncle Ben. This guilt drives him.

From Amazing Fantasy # 15:
"With the great power there must also come--great responsibility!"
Although he never wanted to become a superhero, he still needs to protect his secret identity. His widowed Aunt May who dotes on Peter Parker so much takes The Daily Bugle editorials as Gospel and thus fears Spider-Man with a passion. With her weak heart, the shock of finding out her fragile nephew is Spider-Man would kill her.

Stan Lee's brilliant at creating such amazing character dynamics:

~ Aunt May loves Peter Parker, but dreads Spider-Man, even going so far as smacking him with her purse when he tries to save her!

~ Flash Thompson, who bullies Peter Parker, founded the Spider-Man Fan Club!

~ The new movie changed things, but in the comic books, Gwen Stacy loved Peter, but hated Spider-Man, because she, the police, and the media blamed him for the death of her father.

~ Parker works for Jameson who would fire him if he knew he was Spider-Man.

So you see, besides the normal reasons other heroes have, Spidey needs to keep his identity a secret. Yet, in all the movies, he always seems to remove his mask on a whim. Even riding through the heart of New York City unmasked on a subway train in Spider-Man 2. How does anyone not know who he is?
From Amazing Spider-Man # 10.
Those fantastic character dynamics carry over to his villains too:

~ Spider-Man wants to defeat the Green Goblin, but he doesn't want to harm his best friend's dad.

~ Or later, his best friend, when he takes over the family business.

~ Spider-Man wants to stop the Lizard, but he doesn't want to hurt his friend and mentor Doctor Curt Connors.

~ At one point, Doctor Octopus dated Aunt May, so that put Pete in a pickle too.

Spider-Man's best efforts aren't always enough. He means well, but he sometimes causes more harm than good. There's never been an easy road for Spider-Man or Peter Parker. Often he bemoans "The old Parker luck" when things go awry. Sometimes he runs out of webbing. He doesn't always save the day either. If you've tried to help someone, only to be rebuffed, only to make things worse, you can relate too.

But it's not all bad. Usually one area of his life suffers while another thrives. He might catch a major villain as Spider-Man, only to have his girlfriend think Peter Parker's a coward for fleeing from danger, when actually he hurried away to change into his costume. Or Spider-Man might have to stop chasing a bad guy, so he can fulfill a prescription for Aunt May's heart medicine. Sometimes everything works out. Which sounds great, but sadly, that only means that, come next issue, he's going to face his biggest challenge yet! Stan Lee's a master showman at marketing and generating excitement for the next issue.

When needing a break from his studies, he enjoys web-slinging to clear his head. Lo and behold, that just so happens to be when so many crimes take place. What a coinky-dinky, huh?

From the first "Spider-Man" movie. 
Of course, his powers are amazing too! Enhanced strength, speed, and agility. Wall-climbing. Spider Sense! (A.k.a. Spidey-Sense.) The power that alerts Spider-Man of danger. When bullets get fired at him, his Spidey Sense helps him dodge out of the way. (When you feel doubts about a new venture, you can always say, "Sounds like a great deal, but my Spidey-Sense is tingling, so no thanks!")

Another brilliant idea was having Peter Parker (Spider-Man) invent his web-shooters! (Not what happened in the first three movies.) Encouraging young readers to stay in school and study. "So, they laughed at me for being a bookworm, eh? Well, only a science major could have created a device like this." Plus, he often saves the day using his scientific know-how in addition to his amazing spider powers.


Another lesson to learn from Stan Lee, is that his career isn't work, because he enjoys what he does so much! That's a key principle for achieving success.

That's the genius of Stan Lee! Easily one of the most prolific and most influential writers of the 20th century. 

The genius of Steve Ditko, the artist who created Spider-Man's original costume, is that the costume covers all of him. Thus, anybody could be in that costume. This helped generate reader/viewer identification as each person can imagine him/herself being Spider-Man/Spider-Woman.

Many thanks to Stan Lee and Steve Ditko for creating a world of fun with Spider-Man.


With knowledge, determination/faith, courage, a sense of humor, and the other skills God blesses you with, you can overcome anything.

The 24-Hour Flu robs him of his spider powers. Many of Spidey's super villains like Doctor Octopus, The Green Goblin, Mysterio, and even J. Jonah Jameson go to so much trouble, time, and expense to try to trap him, when all they have to do is cough in his face! 

Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey
For more Spidey/Superhero fun, be sure to read my blog posts: The Superhero with the Most TV Shows, My Favorite Superhero Movies, and What Makes Spider-Man So Amazing?.

* Stan Lee saw a fly climbing the wall in his office and thought that climbing walls would make a cool super power that hadn’t been done before.

** The story was put in the last issue of a comic book being ended. A throwaway! Why? Because the publisher didn't think Spider-Man would actually connect with audiences. Stan Lee, not wanting his efforts to go to waste, put the story into the last issue of Amazing Fantasy. Fan letters came in; and soon Spider-Man had his own comic book: The Amazing Spider-Man!
Photo of and by: Gen Con Indy 2008 - costumes 171
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