Who created the expression “killing two birds with one stone”? Did a caveman throw a rock at a vulture so hard, the granite killed that one; and then, in a flurry of feathers, ricocheted and kiboshed the next one over too? “Ugh, Og kill two birds with one stone. Rock on.”
How can a stitch in time save nine? Based on which logistics and laws of physics? Why is time unraveling; and what do we use to stitch it? And why does one save only nine? If there’s an impending disaster threatening a town of 100,000 people, we’ll need over 10,000 stitches in time! That’s a lot of sewing, even with a Singer.
“Six of one; and half a dozen of another.” Why not six of each? Or half a dozen of each? And what is the one; and what’s the other? Maybe apples and oranges. Six apples and half a dozen oranges.
Whoever created the expression “easy as pie” must’ve bought the frozen thaw-before-serving kind.
“The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.” Duh! Apple trees grow smaller than oak trees; and an apple’s too heavy for a mild wind to move.
“You can’t judge a book by its cover.” Don’t tell the publishers that. They spend lots of money printing fancy covers to make us want to read their books. And if you’re not reading the cover, what’s making you pick a certain book? Even Oprah reads the covers.
“Dressed to beat the band.” Sounds like an outfit involving leather and chains? Or could just be track clothes. Where they wear streamlined clothes to help them beat the band in a foot race. But it’s not a fair race since the band members must carry their instruments. Maybe that’s what that expression means. Even if you wear heels, you should at least beat the hefty fellow hauling the tuba.
In 1820, a peasant boy stole a hot coal from city hall and hid the purloined ember in his pants’ pocket. Seeing smoke sear from the boy’s trousers, the mayor asked if he stole a burning coal. The boy denied his crime, but as his pocket burst into flames, city council members pointed their fingers at him and chanted, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.” And, of course, from that incident came the expression, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
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Brian Regan:
I like watching golf on TV, and I read recently--
This is true. NBC Sports, on their golf telecast--
They got caught putting in bird noises for ambiance.
Birds aren't even there.
And a bird lover called 'em on it,
because he was hearing a bird that was not indigenous
to where the tournament was being held.
Wow.
Can you imagine being the guy
who had to field that phone call?
"Uh, yeah, Sports Department."
"Uh, yeah, hi. Listen, uh, does this sound right to you?"
(Whistles like a bird.)
"No, that don't. Um--
I-I don't know what you're talkin' about."
"Yeah. Yeah, apparently you don't.
Yeah, I guess I'm supposed to believe
the Blue-Breasted Whip-poor-willow
has decided to alter its annual migratory route
to enjoy a little golf."
"What?"
"Maybe for that reason you should try"--
(Whistles like another bird.)
"Okay. I get it. I got one.
Cuckoo! Cuckoo. Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."
Steve Connelly:
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food.
You may wonder how it weighs the food.
It doesn't.
It just eats another hummingbird.
Dean Burkey:
Of course, life is hard.
If life were easy,
everybody would be doing it.
Mitch Hedberg:
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
Unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.
Steven Wright:
I can levitate birds.
No one cares.
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