Woke up way too early to turn on the lights.
Any light would’ve been way to bright.
I’m sure my thinking made Thomas Edison
roll over in his grave, grumbling,
“I didn’t test 10,000 + different filaments
for you to cook in the dark!”
But I figured
assassins can dismantle
and rebuild their weapons in the dark,
so the least I could is make pancakes.
They’re flat.
How hard can it be?
Seemed innocent enough.
I could tell how done they were
by the amount of singeing I smelled.
And by the clanging of the smoke alarm.
So scent and sound served me well.
But not sight.
Somehow when I reached for Mrs. Butterworth,
I grabbed something else by mistake.
... Glycodin Cough Syrup.
On the plus side,
I grabbed syrup.
On the negative side,
the syrup wasn’t maple.
Usually with pancakes toppings,
you worry about glucose.
I had to worry about Glycodin.
And something called codeine.
Right away I knew something went awry,
not only because of the off flavor,
but because I instantly started singing
“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”.
Although my pancakes tasted like,
well, cough medicine,
on the bright side,
my bronchial congestion cleared up;
I saw the face of God
(She’s gorgeous!);
and my pancakes now boast a street value
of fifty bucks a pop.
How silly of me to cook in the dark.
I’ll never make that mistake again.
Have a great week;
and come back next time for:
Cough Medicine Waffles.
Dean Burkey
Disclaimer:
None of this really happened.
(At least that I care to admit.)
Ah-choo!
See?
Disclaimer:
None of this really happened.
(At least that I care to admit.)
Ah-choo!
See?
Jerry Seinfeld:
I hate the waiting room
because it’s called the waiting room
so there’s no chance of not waiting.
It’s built, designed, and intended for waiting.
Why would they take you right away
when they’ve got this room all set up?
And you sit there with your little magazine.
You pretend you’re reading it
but you’re really looking at the other people.
“I wonder what he’s got.”
Then the finally call you,
and you think you’re going to see the doctor,
but you’re not.
You’re going into the next
smaller room waiting room.
Now you don’t even have your magazine.
You’ve got no pants on.
You’re looking at colon-cancer brochures,
peeking out the blinds.
Brian Regan:
So my eye doctor told me this,
I’m not making it up.
He goes, “You know you have one eye
set a little bit higher than your other eye?”
“No... I didn’t know that.”
He goes, “It’s no big deal.
It doesn’t affect your vision or anything.
I just though you might want to be
self-conscious for the rest of your life.”
Dean Burkey:
My boss said he wanted to go viral.
So I sneezed on him.
And coughed in his face.
... Maybe I should have said ex-boss.
Mitch Hedberg:
As a comedian,
you have to start the show strong
and you have to end the show strong.
Those are the two key elements.
You can’t be like pancakes.
You’re all happy at first,
but then by the end,
you’re sick of ‘em.
Steven Wright:
I went to the eye doctor
and found out I needed glasses for reading.
So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I hate the waiting room
because it’s called the waiting room
so there’s no chance of not waiting.
It’s built, designed, and intended for waiting.
Why would they take you right away
when they’ve got this room all set up?
And you sit there with your little magazine.
You pretend you’re reading it
but you’re really looking at the other people.
“I wonder what he’s got.”
Then the finally call you,
and you think you’re going to see the doctor,
but you’re not.
You’re going into the next
smaller room waiting room.
Now you don’t even have your magazine.
You’ve got no pants on.
You’re looking at colon-cancer brochures,
peeking out the blinds.
Brian Regan:
So my eye doctor told me this,
I’m not making it up.
He goes, “You know you have one eye
set a little bit higher than your other eye?”
“No... I didn’t know that.”
He goes, “It’s no big deal.
It doesn’t affect your vision or anything.
I just though you might want to be
self-conscious for the rest of your life.”
Dean Burkey:
My boss said he wanted to go viral.
So I sneezed on him.
And coughed in his face.
... Maybe I should have said ex-boss.
Mitch Hedberg:
As a comedian,
you have to start the show strong
and you have to end the show strong.
Those are the two key elements.
You can’t be like pancakes.
You’re all happy at first,
but then by the end,
you’re sick of ‘em.
Steven Wright:
I went to the eye doctor
and found out I needed glasses for reading.
So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
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