As if clowns weren’t scary enough,
here’s Ronald McDonald
looking a little too messianic for my tastes:
Is he praying for us?
Or preying on us?
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Photo Source:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/ad/Ronald_McDonald_in_Thailand.jpg/320px-Ronald_McDonald_in_Thailand.jpg
Description: Ronald McDonald in Thailand
Date: 21 February 2010, 22:46
Source: Thailand
Uploaded by russavia
Photographer: Christopher Michel
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And lastly,
I don’t think that’s his real hair color.
And lastly,
I don’t think that’s his real hair color.
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Ronald McDonalds
Have you seen the Taco Bell commercial
where they show a bunch of guys
named Ronald McDonald
who like the Bell’s morning menu?
I.e., the A.M. Crunchwrap,
the waffle taco, etc.
Obviously TB’s attempting to imply
that the clown mascot Ronald McDonald
likes Taco Bell’s breakfasts better than McDonald’s.
How silly is that?
What’s Toyota going to do?
Find a dozen dudes dubbed Henry Ford
who appreciate the Prius?
General Mills could seek out sea captains
with the last name Crunch
who like Lucky Charms and Trix.
And vice versa,
Quaker Oats could corral army generals
with the last name Mills
who crave Captain Crunch.
And maybe Avon can gather
a gaggle of gals named Mary Kay
who like SkinSoSoft.
Sadly, and regrettably,
I pondered all that
as I sat on the bench at Walmart.
Yep,
the one with the plastic Ronald McDonald.
The Ronald McDonald.
Not one of those Taco Bell stand-ins.
As if clowns weren’t scary enough,
he wreaked of cholesterol!
No sooner had I leaned back
and gawked at the colorful clown,
when suddenly, he blinked.
He blinked; I gasped.
But as I yelped and fled,
Ronnie McDonnie ran after me!
And that crazy clown runs fast.
Like the metallic dude in Terminator 2.
Or those disgraced Scientology daydream believers
who sprint in black outfits trying not to be seen.
Wow!
McDonald’s really is fast food!
If Run Ronnie Run’s speed
wasn’t bad enough,
he kept multiplying like amoebas.
Or kids in remedial math.
Or that maddening Mummy
in “Monster Laughs”.
The first time he split,
I blurted out,
“Super-Size me!”
Being outpaced and outnumbered,
I couldn’t escape!
As the oh so many Mister McDees caught me,
they bared their vampiresque,
or werewolfish, fangs.
Fangs?!
So that’s why Ronald McDonald
always uses so much ketchup!
Before those vampirish,
lycanthropic circus freaks could bite me,
I awakened back on the bench
with a balding, but long-haired,
Walmart worker poking me with a broom handle.
“You can’t sleep here; we’re closing.”
Although startled, and still half asleep,
I said,
“You can’t be closing.
You’re open 24 hours!”
“Not in a row!” **
he said somewhat sardonically.
I replied,
“Hey! That’s a Steven Wright joke.”
The balding, but long-haired,
Walmart worker grinned.
He grinned; I gulped.
The balding, but long-haired,
Walmart worker was Steven Wright!
He must be working up
a killer routine about Walmart.
I know that’s gonna be hilarious!
I felt so flabbergasted,
I ignored his incessant pleas
to click my heels together.
He sighed and said,
“Since you don’t want to do this the easy way,
we’ll have to do this the hard way.”
And then he conked my cranium
with his broom handle!
“Oww!” I cried,
as I awakened in my easy chair
in front of my TV at home.
I must’ve seen that goofy Taco Bell ad
before dozing off.
At least I didn’t fall asleep
to that silly commercial
with the sailors on a submarine
singing about filet o’ fish.
But why, oh why, couldn’t I have
dreamt about Victoria Secret supermodels?
Or my dream woman Flo.
(She’s so Progressive!)
And whatever happened
to those tremendous T-Mobile girls?
Hey,
the heart wants what the heart wants.
And so does the stomach.
Hmm.
What’s this waffle taco
I keep hearing so much about?
Apparently,
a lot of clowns like it.
* Except for a Steven Wright joke.
** That’s the Steven Wright joke you heard so much about. Here’s the original version:
Steven Wright: ** That’s the Steven Wright joke you heard so much about. Here’s the original version:
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.”
He goes: “Not in a row!”
Mitch Hedberg:
Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way:
“Prices and participation may vary.”
I wanna open a McDonald’s
and not participate in anything.
I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner.
“Cheeseburgers?
Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.”
Jerry Seinfeld:
They [dogs riding in cars] have a hard time.
They stand up; they sit down;
they can’t handle the turn either way.
No matter which way you turn, he’s not ready.
They don’t know what to do.
And then comes the great moment of frustration.
You stop someplace and get something to eat.
This kills him.
You get a hamburger, this blows his mind.
“Instant food whenever you want it?”
You know what this means to him?
You ever see the look on his face?
He looks over at you.
“How’d you get that?
Are they giving it to everybody now?
You think I could get one?”
They can’t get anything.
Dean Burkey:
McDonald’s is famous for their golden arches.
They must’ve grown up wearing
golden corrective footwear.
Phyllis Diller:
The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.
Steven Wright:
I saw a subliminal advertising executive,
but only for a second.
but only for a second.
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