by Dean Burkey
Orange You Glad I Finally Found You?
Saturday, I went to Florida Southern College to enjoy an outdoor concert performed by the Marshall Tucker Band. After their rousing round of “Can’t You See?”, I walked toward the stage, as did several other fine folks. I can’t be sure about this, but for some reason, Marshall Tucker looked at me and said, “Hi Cleatus.”
Everyone looked around to see to whom he spoke. I looked around too. But unfortunately, I didn’t see anyone else in his line of sight. Maybe it was my red cap. Or my wind-blown hair. My leather jacket? I’d hate to think I have a Cleatus face.
No offense to anyone named Cleatus.
If Cleatus is who you are and what you want to do with your life, you go be the best Cleatus the world has ever seen.
I support you in all your Cleatus endeavors.
(Within reason. I really do think it unnecessary to tip over cows.)
(Regardless of what you may be thinking: That is not how you make a milk shake.)
But being Cleatus is not my chosen path.
At least, not at this time.
Although now that I think about it, I can see some sweet possibilities. I could join the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Hang out with Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, and the other guy*.
We could have a five-man show. Groupies named Daisy May could bake me apple pies and make me mint juleps!
(I don’t even know what those are, but they sound fun.)
So maybe being Cleatus would be pretty good after all.
(The only downside would be that by being the fifth member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, I’d never get a piece of a Kit Kat bar!)
Of course, I just thought of that now. Saturday though, I was still a bit dazed by it all.
Besides, feeling dazed, and somewhat stupefied, I felt hungry, so on my way home, I stopped an old Beverage Castle that now sells produce. I wandered around, trying to decide what I would actually eat. (I used to buy various fruits an vegetables, which I knew I should eat, but never seemed to get around to in time.)
Produce is healthy, but the thing to remember with produce is that as soon you buy it: “The clock’s ticking people! This is not a drill!”
Maybe this should be an adage:
Healthy food spoils.
Unhealthy food lasts forever.
Like Twinkies. (Or the Golden Sponge Cake Formerly Known as Twinkies.)
And like McDonald’s French Fries. (See “Super-Size Me”. Or don’t. I warn you, you will never want McDonald’s food again; nor possibly any fast food.)
Addendum:
Most healthy food spoils.
Fun Food Fact: Honey is the only healthy food that doesn’t spoil.
At the register, I noticed a sign regarding organic oranges, so I asked about those. Hearing me mention oranges, the checkout lady asked if I wanted to try a Honeybell Orange. I’d never heard of those before. And like I said, I felt hungry, so I ate the sample slice. Wow! That one bite ruined me on regular oranges.
Although I would’ve preferred to purchase organic oranges, I bought Honeybells instead. They’re so delicious, that unless they’re glowing from exposure to radioactive elements, I’d ... never mind, I’d still eat them! But I’d be sure to wear a Hazmat suit.
P. S. Your pal Cleatus says: “If you ain’t eatin’ Honeybell Oranges, you ain’t nothin’ but a ... Non-Honeybell-Orange-Eater! Catch ya’ll later crock o’ gator!”
* Ron White.
* Ron White.
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