How I Hypnotized Myself
into Becoming Mega-Rich
into Becoming Mega-Rich
by Dean Burkey
I don’t believe in hypnosis. And I don’t condone it. Too many ways for things to go awry.
On the other hand, I needed a financial miracle and lighting a bush on fire didn’t help.
Actually that caused more problems. Especially from the smoke damage.
Plus, I’m out one once nifty bush.
Besides, I wasn’t able to decipher Warren Buffett’s dream advice on how to get rich either. (See my previous post: Thank You Warren Buffett!)
So I did what anyone else in my situation would’ve done.
I hypnotized myself.
I borrowed a pocket watch from Old Man Caruthers down the street.
“Borrowed.”
Figured he wouldn’t mind. As long as his remote works, he doesn’t care about anything else.
Crazy, avid Once-Upon-a-Time and Revenge fan. Sometimes he gets so excited screaming at the TV, his dentures plop out.
So anyway, I swung the heisted watch back and forth while chanting “You’re hip; you grow money like the Energizer Bunny.”
Felt kind of silly.
At first.
Especially with the childish rhyme.
But I do like to rhyme.
But just from time to time.
Way better than being a mime.
So anyway, I started to get into it. The rope-skipping rhyme started to sound more like rap.
But then I slowed down as I grew tired. Ending when I fell asleep.
But then suddenly, beginning the very next morning, my money quickly multiplied over and over until a measly $20 became a mighty 20 billion.
Yes, 20 billion with a B.
I dealt with eBay, Amazon book sales, Kindle, comedy, real estate, commodities, movie production, telecommunications.
Created some phone apps. One for finding the closest cookies. Another for finding pies. A third to help you find your Soul Mate.
The Cookie-Locator App was clearly the most popular.
Even began designing the plans for my river of chocolate with the Graham cracker rafts and ginger paddles.
Met some supermodels who said they liked my style.
Got engaged to a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.
Everything was going great. Better than I could have ever imagined.
Until, ...
Someone snapped their fingers; and I awoke from my hypnotic state and lost everything.
Everything!
Including my engagement to that fair-weather Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.
I knew I would wake up at some point; just didn’t think I’d lose everything.
I’d been so diligent too, avoiding musicals, restaurants and bars, think tanks, anywhere where someone might snap their fingers.
But somebody called me and snapped their fingers over the phone. After I came to, I could hear laughing before that person hung up. Sounded a lot like Old Man Caruthers.
I knew I should’ve put fresh batteries in his remote!
Oops. Excuse me. Gotta go. IRS agents are barging in.
Hmm. I wonder what they want.
On the other hand, I needed a financial miracle and lighting a bush on fire didn’t help.
Actually that caused more problems. Especially from the smoke damage.
Plus, I’m out one once nifty bush.
Besides, I wasn’t able to decipher Warren Buffett’s dream advice on how to get rich either. (See my previous post: Thank You Warren Buffett!)
So I did what anyone else in my situation would’ve done.
I hypnotized myself.
I borrowed a pocket watch from Old Man Caruthers down the street.
“Borrowed.”
Figured he wouldn’t mind. As long as his remote works, he doesn’t care about anything else.
Crazy, avid Once-Upon-a-Time and Revenge fan. Sometimes he gets so excited screaming at the TV, his dentures plop out.
So anyway, I swung the heisted watch back and forth while chanting “You’re hip; you grow money like the Energizer Bunny.”
Felt kind of silly.
At first.
Especially with the childish rhyme.
But I do like to rhyme.
But just from time to time.
Way better than being a mime.
So anyway, I started to get into it. The rope-skipping rhyme started to sound more like rap.
But then I slowed down as I grew tired. Ending when I fell asleep.
But then suddenly, beginning the very next morning, my money quickly multiplied over and over until a measly $20 became a mighty 20 billion.
Yes, 20 billion with a B.
I dealt with eBay, Amazon book sales, Kindle, comedy, real estate, commodities, movie production, telecommunications.
Created some phone apps. One for finding the closest cookies. Another for finding pies. A third to help you find your Soul Mate.
The Cookie-Locator App was clearly the most popular.
Even began designing the plans for my river of chocolate with the Graham cracker rafts and ginger paddles.
Met some supermodels who said they liked my style.
Got engaged to a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.
Everything was going great. Better than I could have ever imagined.
Until, ...
Someone snapped their fingers; and I awoke from my hypnotic state and lost everything.
Everything!
Including my engagement to that fair-weather Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.
I knew I would wake up at some point; just didn’t think I’d lose everything.
I’d been so diligent too, avoiding musicals, restaurants and bars, think tanks, anywhere where someone might snap their fingers.
But somebody called me and snapped their fingers over the phone. After I came to, I could hear laughing before that person hung up. Sounded a lot like Old Man Caruthers.
I knew I should’ve put fresh batteries in his remote!
Oops. Excuse me. Gotta go. IRS agents are barging in.
Hmm. I wonder what they want.
P.S. This is a work of comedy/parody. All rights reserved.
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