Why I Should Be a Billionaire

Why I Should Be a Billionaire

What would I do with a billion dollars?

I'd become a superhero.

No billionaire is doing that!

No one is doing that.

At least, not to the degree of a billionaire.

The Viper calling the local police station at the first sign of danger doesn't count. (No offense to the Viper. Even he will admit billions of dollars would up the ante of his crime-fighting efforts. Maybe get him unlimited texting and data. But then again, he may have already retired. A change in phone plans may have foiled him.) 

The Viper

Photo Source: http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/63950

The government should charge a hefty Non-Superhero Tax to billionaires who aren't superheroes, to fund folks who want to be superheroes, but can't afford the exorbitant costs of costuming and gadgetry. 

Okay, sure. Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and other billionaires fund foundations and make donations to help others. And thus, they save countless lives. But none of them do so while wearing Spandex!

No mask. No cape. Probably not even matching boots and a utility belt.

Okay, maybe a utility belt. But not a cool utility belt. Nothing with web fluid or bat ropes.

I'd have the obligatory Burkey Manor mansion/estate with the Dean-Poles hidden behind a secret revolving bookcase that would let me slide down to the Dean-Cave at a moment's notice.

I would also have the super-fast, fuel-efficient, nuclear-powered (if need be), bulletproof, bombproof, laser-firing, missile-launching (only when necessary), knockout gas-spraying Dean-Mobile.

* What? 
A quick tank with a mortar launcher would be better
than a slow Corolla with a slingshot. 

And, of course, the Dean-Mobile would have patent leather seats. A mini fridge stocked with various forms of chocolate. And a spacious trunk for hauling evildoers to justice.

And maybe a built-in Blu-Ray player for when I get bored on stakeouts.

I'd also have the Dean-Plane, the Dean-Boat, the Dean-Submarine, and the Dean-Space Shuttle.

And maybe a nice hammock in the backyard for my days off.

With the extra billions I'd make from Burkey Enterprises and Dean-Man merchandising rights, I'd produce family-friendly sitcoms and hilarious movies to bring clean comedy to the world. Make a hundred billion dollars to end famine in Africa. And create a delicious chocolate candy that cures cancer. Or at the very least alleviates hunger pangs.

I'm fully aware that wealth is a super power in and of itself. I also understand that "with great power comes great responsibility," as Stan Lee stated in Amazing Fantasy # 15. That's why, besides becoming a superhero to inspire the masses, creating clean comedy to entertain the world, ending disease with chocolate, and eradicating global famine, I'd do what every billionaire should do. I mean, this should be the whole point of becoming a billionaire! (Besides the aforementioned benefits to mankind.) ... 


Create supermodel clones!

Once I've accomplished all that, I'd want to hurry home to my trophy wife Colbie Caillat, so we can make beautiful music together. ;o)

** What? 

Any woman who sings "I Do" 

obviously wants to marry a superhero. 

That's just common sense. 

And then we can retire on a remote private island where the beaches are made of pancakes; and the ocean waves are maple syrup.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

 

* Photo Source: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002DMWLK0 on behalf of InAir Classic Armour E-Z Build M3 Lee Tank Model Kit.

** Photo Source: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005AAFQ7C on behalf of Universal Republic Records, a division of UMG Recordings, Inc.

COMING FRIDAY: Getting Ready for the End of the World

Tragedy: Remembering Robin Gibb and the BeeGees

Tragedy: 

Remembering Robin Gibb 

and the BeeGees

Apparently, I’m not a big news guy; 

I just found out that Robin Gibb died. 

Uploaded by Sweet26Heart on Feb 12, 2011

I was a BeeGees’ fan when it was popular to be one; and when it wasn’t. In many ways, the BeeGees taught me songwriting, a skill I don’t exercise like I used to, but hope to resume soon. Two of the first songbooks I had were The BeeGees Volume 1 and Volume 2 which I bought at Spec’s Music while still in high school. (I learned from a made-easy for guitar John Denver songbook too. And, of course, the Beatles!) 

Whether you liked the BeeGees or not, they were topnotch songwriters, writing hits for other artists besides themselves. Often writing their best songs for others. Generous, good-natured, fun-loving, strong family people. At least that’s my impression. 

Uploaded by goldfrapp5 on Dec 30, 2010

A lesser known song of theirs that I like a lot is “Sea of Smiling Faces”. Has such a happy lilt to it. The world needs more happy music. I also like the imagery and melodies of “How Deep Is Your Love?” And the driving bass riff of “Tragedy”. 

I think they invented disco, to one degree or another. They certainly put it on the musical map. 

Driving over a bridge in Miami, Barry noticed the rhythm of the bridge’s slats beneath his car’s wheels. That rhythm inspired “Jive Talking” which became a big hit for them and helped to re-launch their careers. 

The music producer on “Nights on Broadway” asked if they could scream in harmony. Or melodically. Or in key. Something like that. So Barry tried it; and that’s how they got their falsetto sound. 

Uploaded by DjBooStOne on Jan 17, 2010

But long before that, they thrived as a vital part of the British invasion, following the mega-success of the Beatles. With hits like “Words”, “To Love Somebody”, and “How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?” 

Somehow, they languished, or fell out of favor. I don’t know. But “Jive Talking” and “Nights on Broadway” jumpstarted their career. 

And the soundtrack to “Saturday Night Fever” took them out of orbit, making them mega-stars, global sensations. 

Sadly, they became so popular, that they became unpopular. They got so much airplay, that some people got sick of them and started to mock them. Like the scene in “Airplane” where the plane knocks over the radio tower of the station playing disco; and everybody cheers. 

What grosses me out is when Denis Leary, the comedian, also an actor who plays Captain Stacy in the new Spider-Man movie, talked about how glad he was when a BeeGee died. Might have been after Andy died. How sick is that? To me, that’s not comedy. That’s cruel and heartless. 

I feel saddest for Barry. Although the oldest brother of the four, he outlived them all. He must be devastated. First, Andy’s death; and then Maurice’s, both tore him apart. He struck me as being a caring big brother. Helped Andy with his hits. And spoke of him with pride. How does he fill the role of big brother now? 

He’s on my list of people I want to meet. Along with Stan Lee, Jackie Chan, Michael J. Fox, Woody Allen, Steve Martin, and Brian Regan. And Duane Johnson, so I can pitch him a script. And, of course, Colbie Callait, so we can make beautiful music together.

The BeeGees made their living making people feel good with their music. They also used the song royalties from “Too Much Heaven” to help children around the world via UNICEF. So let’s remember them fondly. And let’s pray for Barry and other family members and loved ones of Robin Gibb to be able to work through their grief as constructively as possible. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey