Part 2:
A Walmart Wedding?
(Be sure to read my previous post:
The Columbian Oregano Express)
[Having gotten high from brownies laced with pot;
that is, with the marijuana leaves
sewn into the brownies using noodles,
I proposed to my ex-girlfriend
and then blared rock oldies
as I wrote story after story
in my effort to write a truly cool story.
But then two police officers pounded on my door!]
I ran out of noodles before I could finish
lacing the brownies with hashish,
lacing the brownies with hashish,
so I still had some pot left.
I turned down the radio
and returned to the door to say,
“It’s for medicinal purposes.”
Officer Tom Kutcher asked,
“The loud, out-dated music?”
“No,” I said, “the Columbian, um.”
His brow furrowed at hearing the word Columbian.
“The Columbian um?”
“Oregano!”
“I love oregano,” said Officer Kutcher
as he and his partner Ashton Cruise
barged into my house.
Kutcher saw the bag on the kitchen counter
and tasted a pinch.
“What the?!”
Must’ve been great pot,
because he bust out laughing.
Not wanting to miss the fun,
Cruise tasted a pinch or two too.
Both of them laughed so hard,
I almost called the cops.
But then I remembered they were the cops.
And if I called more cops,
they’d “taste” away all my stash
pinch by pinch.
pinch by pinch.
“Medicinal purposes?” Kutcher chuckled
as he and Cruise headed to the door to leave.
“Wait!” I said. “Where are you going?
Shouldn’t you at least give me a warning?”
As Kutcher shook his head,
laughter-induced tears trickled down his face.
“Okay, here’s my warning:
When you use oregano,
make pizza, not brownies.”
“Pot pizza?”
Cruise and Kutcher bust out laughing again.
“What?” I asked.
“Do we not call it pot any more?
I know we don’t call it dope.”
“Speaking of dope,” said Officer Cruise.
“How much did you pay for your Columbian oregano?”
“Four hundred dollars.”
As the police officers guffawed without abandon,
I stomped my foot.
“It’s an investment in my writing career!”
“Oh, he’s a writer,” said Kutcher
as he and Cruise stepped outside.
Cruise nodded.
“That explains everything.”
Usually I love when people laugh.
That is, when I make them laugh on purpose.
Hence, this humor blog,
all my comedy books,
all my comedy books,
my stand-up, etc.
But not when I feel like I’m being mocked.
So I stepped outside too.
“What’s wrong with writers?”
“You can get oregano at Walmart
for less than four bucks.”
for less than four bucks.”
Still unable to control his giggles,
Kutcher wiped his eyes.
“But it’s not really oregano, it’s cannabis.
Marijuana. Pot. Weed. Chronic. Blunt. Sproutsville.
Hashish. The Munchies-Maker. The Mellow-Outer.
Seeds of Glory. Dream-Weaver.
Rocket Fuel for Writers. The Key to Heaven.
Eden’s Apple. Hootchie-koo. Dope-a-roonie.”
Rocket Fuel for Writers. The Key to Heaven.
Eden’s Apple. Hootchie-koo. Dope-a-roonie.”
Cruise stopped laughing long enough to say,
“Between the two of us,
we have over two decades working
in the narcotics division.
We know what’s pot; and what’s not.”
“What’s not? How can that not be pot?
It got me high! Just look at my eyes.”
I widened my eyes to give them a in-depth view.
They both agreed that I need more sleep.
Kutcher shook his head.
“Pot’s not, but that’s not pot.”
“Pot’s not, but that’s not pot.”
“If that’s not pot, then what have I got?”
Before climbing back into their squad car
and slamming their doors,
both Cruise and Kutcher said, “Oregano!”
Just then, the phone rang,
so I rushed back inside to answer.
Well, as rushed as a guy flying high on oregano can rush.
My ex-girlfriend said she booked
aisle seven in Walmart like we always wanted,
so we can get married there the following Friday.
Gulp!
This is why you shouldn’t take illegal substances.
If a mere spice messed me up that bad,
imagine the damage illicit drugs could cause.
The following Friday,
before leaving “Lovey” at the “altar” for the fifth time,
I noticed that Officer Kutcher was right:
Walmart sells oregano for less than four bucks.
The next day I made a pizza;
and got engaged for the sixth time!
Wow!
That is some potent oregano!
Wow!
That is some potent oregano!
Fortunately,
just before the wedding,
I found the phony pusher who ripped me off
just before the wedding,
I found the phony pusher who ripped me off
and tricked him into marrying my ex.
Finally,
a happy ending for all of us.
a happy ending for all of us.
Except the goofy goober
who sells over-priced spices.
who sells over-priced spices.
Please Note:
This is a work of humor/parody/fiction. The author does not condone, encourage, nor promote the taking of illegal substances. Protect your brain. So you can read and buy all my books!
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Woody Allen
(From Surprise Rocks Disney Trial
in The New Yorker December 13, 2004;
The C stands for Counsel;
and the W stands for Witness;
and the Witness is Mickey Mouse!):
C: Is it true Goofy had a drug problem?
W: He was addicted to Percodan.
C: How long had that been going on?
W: Goofy went on painkillers
after a flop he took in a cartoon.
He parachuted off the Empire State Building
with an umbrella and hurt his back.
Richard Pryor:
I’m no addict.
I can quit anytime I want to.
I just don’t want to.
Dean Burkey:
Never do drugs,
because the first time you do,
you will appear on “Cops”.
It’s amazing,
but every time they catch people with drugs on that show,
it’s always their first time.
That’s what they say.
And why would anyone lie on national TV?
Especially on a “reality” show!
Unless, of course,
they’re running for reelection.
Ray Divine:
And what about the poor families
of the drug dealers?
If Charlie’s really quit cold turkey,
how are the suppliers and pushers suppose to survive?
Nobody ever thinks about the drug dealer’s kids.
They need food and video games too.
Mitch Hedberg:
A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder,
because he’s afflicted, but I’m not.
So what happened to me is I suddenly had
an extra-long attention span.
People would tell me a story;
and it would end;
and I’d get all mad.
“Come on, man,
there has to be more to that story.”
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