How to Turn a Video into a Movie
Believe it or not, Paramount plans to turn the following video into a major motion picture. (Maybe “major” isn’t the right word.) ...
So I thought I’d help them, by plotting the story.
FADE IN:
EXT. OUTER SPACE -- DAY
A fleet of UFOs zigzag and zoom through a meteorite shower.
A meteorite hits the saucer in back and sends it caroming to Earth.
EXT. EARTH -- MID-TO-LATE AFTERNOON
With the other aliens onboard killed in the crash, Zeflon, the sole survivor, snaps into action and uses his intergalactic shape-shifting abilities to turn himself into a Great White Shark.
Unfortunately, he’s not in water and dies.
EXT. EARTH -- MID-TO-LATE AFTERNOON, BUT SLIGHTLY CLOSER TO LATE AFTERNOON THAN MID-AFTERNOON
Seconds later, another UFO crashes to Earth, but this time, Yafleur, the sole survivor, snaps into action and uses his intergalactic shape-shifting abilities to turn himself into a Great Dane.
Unfortunately, he is in water and dies.
Paradoxically, eaten by a Great White Shark.
EXT. EARTH -- ANYTIME, EXCEPT DUSK*
The following week, another UFO crashes to Earth, but this time, Kakoolie, the sole survivor, snaps into action and uses his intergalactic shape-shifting abilities to turn himself into a wiener dog, complete with a collar studded with strange space alien stones.
Fortunately, he’s not in water, so he bounds from his crashed spacecraft, wagging his tail.
He gazes at the wonders of the world before him and says: “Where can a cuddly canine get some Purina Dog Chow**?”
ROLL OPENING CREDITS.
PLAY THE THEME SONG: Collie Rae’s “Bark at Me Maybe”.
EXT. CITY -- 4:17 P.M. (OR A.M., WHICHEVER IS BRIGHTER TO CUT BACK ON LIGHTING COSTS)
Kakoolie prances downtown following every delicious scent that comes his way.
But a dog catcher catches him.
(Kakoolie forgot to shape-shift a doggy license around his neck!)
Kakoolie pleads for his life.
Hearing the dog speak, the catcher overwhelmed with guilt for all the sweet mutts he’s put away, suffers a heart attack and dies.
Kakoolie frees a French poodle named Colletta from the back of the dog catcher’s van and falls in love.
EXT. ALLEY -- 4:17 P.M. (OR A.M., WHICHEVER IS DARKER TO CREATE A VISUAL CONTRAST)
Colletta leads Kakoolie into a back alley where they eat scraps tossed away by Chef Pierre.
Kakoolie and Colletta enjoy a happy life, until three seconds later, the mob moves in on Chef Pierre’s highly successful Pastries R Us Shoppe.
Seeing only dogs, the thugs Tom and Jerry discuss the crime boss’ clandestine criminal plans.
Kakoolie tells them to leave; or he’ll go to the cops with the crime boss’ clandestine criminal plans, which will lead to the execution style deaths of Tom and Jerry.
Or, at they very least, they won’t be able to have seconds of pudding at the next crime boss picnic.
Since they both like pudding, Tom and Jerry argue about what to do.
Hearing a voice, but seeing only dogs, Tom and Jerry think the other’s setting them up, so they draw and fire, killing each other.
But that’s not the end of them!
Those strange space alien stones on Kakoolie’s collar emanate an eerie cosmic radiation that causes corpses not to die.
Or rather, not to stay dead.
Thus begins a global zombie apocalypse.
INSERT AN AMUSING MONTAGE SCORED BY PATTI PAGE’S “(HOW MUCH IS) THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW”
After many shady shenanigans and a whole slew of hilarious hijinks ensue, Kakoolie and Colletta hijack a dinghy and row to a deserted island where seven stranded castaways eat Colletta for lunch.
EXT. ISLAND -- DAY
Mary Ann’s offer to make coconut pie for dessert is met with an unfavorable response by the others.
(Some might call it mass hysteria or mob frenzy.)
We are now down to six castaways.
Thanks to those strange space alien stones and a bamboo meat cleaver, Zombie-Mary Ann reduces the number of castaways to zero!
All seven Zombie-Castaways suddenly have a hankering for doggy brains.
Kakoolie escapes their canine decapitating culinary plans and dog paddles to America.
Why didn’t the Professor ever think of this?
EXT. BEACH -- DAY
After swimming ashore, Kakoolie gets adopted by a retired clown who wears a squirting flower and says: “What a fine looking dog you are, I bet you could use a home.”
INT. DEN -- NIGHT
So Kakoolie’s new owner teases him with food. Especially bacon. But you never joke around with bacon!
Hungry after such a long swim, and still morose over the loss of Colletta, Kakoolie groans in exasperation.
Thinking that’s the funniest sound in the world, the owner laughs uproariously.
Not liking to be pranked, and crazy from hunger and grief, Kakoolie expands his jaws wider than a normal dog can and eats the laughing owner in one bite.
KA-CHOMP!
The owner stops laughing.
Truly, THE ULTIMATE DOG TEASE!
AND NOW, FOR THE BIG SURPRISE TWIST ENDING:
SPOILER ALERT! Bruce Willis has been a ghost the whole time! But the Chief of Police stops him by shoving a scuba tank in his mouth and blowing it up with his last bullet. The explosion sends the enforcer of the Dark Side spinning away in outer space. But he’ll come back in the sequel to tell Luke he’s his father. And then as they leave Ape City behind, they find the Statue of Liberty half buried in the sand and realize that not only have they been on Earth the whole time, but the arm holding the torch held up for thousands of years. And then Kakoolie wakes up suddenly to discover that it had all been a weird and wacky dream, inspired by having eaten before going to bed: Two bowls of the new Chipotle Cocoa Puffs. But then he wakes up again to discover that it wasn’t a dream after all, except for the part about the chipotle-flavored Cocoa Puffs. Or was that the only part that was real?
FADE OUT.
ROLL CLOSING CREDITS.
INCLUDE THE DELETED SCENE WITH THE DANCING NINJAS. (CUT FOR PACING PURPOSES ONLY.)
IF MORE FILLER IS NEEDED, THE CAST AND CREW SINGS: “WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?”
END CLOSING CREDITS.
FADE IN:
EXT. CITY -- EARLY-TO-MID-MORNING, AFTER SUNRISE, BUT BEFORE THAT ANNOYING TALK SHOW COMES ON
Destitute, hungry, Kakoolie roams the city streets, until a retired clown with a joy buzzer in his hand sees him and says: “What a fine looking dog you are, I bet you could use a home.”
CAPTION: The End?***
FADE OUT.
Dean
* An homage to Steve Martin!
** Product placements help defray production costs. ;o)
*** This sets the stage for the sequel “Barking Dawn” where Kakoolie finds himself emotionally torn between a Vampire-Poodle named Dominique and a Werewolf-Schnauzer named Schultzie. Includes a hilarious tug of war scene, a naughty PG-13 car-washing scene, and the romantic theme song: Selena Greyhound’s “Love You Like a Fire Hydrant”.
** Product placements help defray production costs. ;o)
*** This sets the stage for the sequel “Barking Dawn” where Kakoolie finds himself emotionally torn between a Vampire-Poodle named Dominique and a Werewolf-Schnauzer named Schultzie. Includes a hilarious tug of war scene, a naughty PG-13 car-washing scene, and the romantic theme song: Selena Greyhound’s “Love You Like a Fire Hydrant”.
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