WOW! Warped Origins of Words!

Or WWO! Wacky Word Origins! And, as you know, when anything is self-proclaimed to be wacky, you can almost guarantee that hijinks or shenanigans will certainly ensue.

Here's how this works: You give me a word; and I tell you the origin of that word. (Overly Dramatic Voice): "Who the words are; and how they came to be!"

Kind of like Secret Origins of Superheroes, but with less radioactivity. And less spandex and capes.

For example here's WOW (or WWO) word origin for the word love:

Love: The word for love comes from an old Indo-European word lufoolyicious which described a stomach ailment diagnosed centuries later as trichinosis. While relaxing in what would later become known as the English countryside, Romulus and Jewella shared a picnic meal. Unfortunately, Romulus’ pork sandwich was undercooked; and he began to suffer abdominal pangs. He tried to tell Jewella that he thought that he had come down with lufoolyicious, but all could manage to say before doubling over was: “Jewella, I -- I -- I lufoo!” Although not suffering from the same pork-induced trauma, Jewella experienced the butterflies of romantic attraction and merely assumed that Romulus who was bent over in agony clutching his stomach felt that way for her as well. After miraculously surviving being leeched back to health, Romulus realized he had feelings for Jewella as well. And as news spread of their whirlwind romance, the phrase “I lufoo!” via mispronunciations by the then toothless masses became “I love you.” And love became the word we now know and adore today. So, before you elope with your special someone, ask yourself “Am I really in love; or have I been eating undercooked pork?” And don’t worry, sometimes it’s both.

With only a few changes to the story, Shakespeare achieved great fame recounting this tempestuous tale in his highly-acclaimed play “Romeo and Juliet”.

Love also became known as a zero in tennis because the losing player fared so poorly that onlookers often thought that he must have trichinosis.

It’s also a type of cheese.

Please post the word or phrase for which you long to know its origin in a comment below.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

Who Was the Greatest Comedian in the Bible?

Special thanks to Mike Cotton for asking this intriguing question.

Having an enquiring mind, I want to know the answer too!

Using my amazing secrets-of-the-universe-revealing powers (which are far beyond those of mere mortal men) and applying my deductive (wacky?) mind …

Remember: Without a Laff-O-Meter available during biblical times, my response can only be subjective.

The word jubilation comes from the name Jubal, so I’m sure he knew how to have a good time. Jubilations (celebrations) often involve lots of laughs. At the very least, hilarious hijinks or shenanigans should ensue. And everyone has a good time. Until someone gets carried away and knocks over the punchbowl. Or spills something difficult to clean onto the fancy carpet.

Isaac’s name means laughter, so that automatically makes Abraham, the Father of Laughter.

The best comedy often comes from pain. So Job monopolizes that category. Plus, he said some funny, although sardonic, statements. Ie, Job 17:10b (NIV): “I will not find a wise man among you.” (Obviously, he couldn’t put on a Christmas play that year, because you need at least three. And he lived before Christ was born.)

Women adore a man with a sense of humor; and David was quite a lady’s man, so he had to be funny. Plus, I heard he killed at the palace.

Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, so he had to have an excellent sense of humor too. If only to survive. Unless you’re a beautiful woman without discretion, this is one of the funniest verses in the Bible: Proverbs 11:22 (RSV): Like a gold ring in a swine’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.

Amos prophesied some funny things. From Amos 6:12 (ESV): Does one plow there (the sea) with oxen? (Not as funny today, but folks in the Old (Ancient) Testament days used to howl at that one. Keep in mind, they didn’t have cable, movies, or the Internet, so they were often quite easily amused.)

Although the humor gets lost in translation, Micah was quite the comical prophet too, using lots of puns. Micah 1:15 (NKJV): “I will yet bring an heir to you, O inhabitant of Mareshah (‘Inheritance’).”

In the New (Not as Ancient) Testament, the Apostle Paul used some humor to make his points in his epistles. Ie, he tells Philemon whatever Onesimus owes him, Philemon should charge to Paul, so Paul will owe Philemon instead of Onesimus. Where upon Paul reminds Philemon he owes Paul for the everlasting security of his eternal soul!

But since Jesus is perfect; and He’s the Son of God, I have to say Him. Especially during lightning season. He not only used humor, He also made his points doing so. Which makes Him an excellent speaker. Plus, He’s the only way to Heaven, so yes, I say Jesus is the Greatest Comedian in the Bible. You could say His telling a healed blind person not to tell anyone is a funny request. Here’s an actual Jesus joke: John 8:44c (NIV): “When he [the Devil] lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” (Again, it was funnier then, but I’d still go ahead and laugh, if only to avoid the lake of fire.)

Thank you again Mike for your excellent question! I hoped you enjoyed the answer.

Blessings & Joy,
Dean

PS I couldn't escape the gnawing feeling that perhaps this was the setup for an old joke, so having written all that over two weeks ago, I finally Googled it today; and sure enough, it is an old joke! Apparently, the correct answer is Samson, because "he brought the house down". But then again, had I Googled sooner, I wouldn't have written my review of comedy in the Bible.

The Secrets of the Universe Revealed!

Now’s your chance to ask those questions that have puzzled you and caused you such great consternation. No need to feel perplexed! No more having to furrow your brow in wonder. Simply ask; and all your questions will be answered. All of them! Unless you ask something personal, morally offensive, or for which I can’t make up an answer.

For example:

Why did Nimrod build the tower of Babel?

So he could stay high and dry in case God decided to flood the world again. Silly Nimrod, God said He wouldn't do that again. Maybe that's why we call people who behave silly "Nimrod". That's actually true. (Josephus will back me up on this.)

You see? Your question might actually get answered.

I can hardly wait. What about you? You don't have to wait. Go ahead and ask!

Please remember: Don't ask anything personal, morally offensive, or for which I can’t make up an answer. Also, the question doesn't have to be funny. Just ask what you want to know.

Oh yes; and don't ask me to reveal or alter the future. I'm not allowed to do that. I'm not saying I don't. But I'm not supposed to. Remember the devastation caused by World War 3? Of course, you don't. Because I stopped that. Or at least delayed the inevitable. And yes, it was dangerous. And you're welcome.

Blessings & Joy,
Dean

How to Make Toast

Since both my sister and my sister-in-law have popular cooking blogs, I thought I'd boost my readership by offering a recipe too. Thus, today’s post:

“How to Make Toast”

The key component to creating a great slice of toast involves bread selection. If you plop a stale, moldy slice into the toaster, don’t expect partakers of your culinary creations to request seconds. I suggest whole-grain, not just because the Illuminati uses enriched flour to malign the health of the masses as part of their depopulation agenda, but because I prefer the all-natural taste. Whole grains taste better than agent orange. I recommend a brand which wraps its bread in two bags. Makes for a little bit of extra work, but certainly feels fancy-schmancy.

The second key component involves toaster choice. You can buy a cheaper toaster, but you’ll end up eating cheaper-tasting toast. You don’t need the Mercedes Benz of toasters, but do avoid the Yugo too.

Now that you've taken care of the two key components, here is the recipe for toast:

1. Remove a slice or two of bread from the, hopefully double-wrapped, bag of bread. (If you bought the stretch Hummer of toasters, you may remove up to sixteen slices.)

2. Place the slice(s) of bread into the individual slot(s) of the toaster. (If you want only one slice of toast, choose wisely. Or why not skip toast all together and have a bowl of cereal. You’re in such a big hurry you can’t eat two slices? Organize your appointments. Take some time for yourself. Learn to say no.)

3. Select your desired setting. (The third key component!) I suggest starting with 2.4. You can toast again if that’s not toasty enough, but you can’t untoast if you burn your bread. (1.8 wastes everyone’s time. Might as well eat a stale slice of raw toast, ‘cause that’s what it’ll taste like. Sans the moldy hue. 3.3 is preferable, but with your first slice, you want to make sure your model of toaster doesn’t scorch at that setting.)

4. Pull down the starter latch. This is when the culinary magic happens!

5. Wait for the toast to cook. Waiting doesn’t have to be passive. You can finally get to work on cleaning the knickknack drawer. Seriously, how many rubber bands do you need? Are you expecting a rubber famine? Forget the drawer, what you need with all those rubber bands and paper clips is none of my business. Instead, use the toasting time to prepare a tasty beverage to accompany your forthcoming serving of toast. I suggest a tasty hot tea. Fruit juice seems like a logical choice, but juice and dairy are more means used by the Illuminati to weaken the masses. The juice leads to diabetes; and the dairy, to heart disease. If you enjoy unsweetened herbal tea, the Illuminati won’t be able to profit from your ill health. Unless you smoke, drink, or drive like a maniac.

6. Ding! Remove the toast from the toaster. Butter and jelly to taste. (The fourth and fifth key components.) Don’t overdo either the butter or the jelly, or the Illuminati wins.

7. Serve warm.

Enjoy!

If you try this recipe, please leave a comment to let me know how your toast turns out.

For French folks wanting to make eggy toast, disregard this recipe, since following these instructions will ruin the toaster and may short-circuit the house. Or so I’ve heard.

Obviously, any references to the Illuminati are fictional, since they do not exist. Right guys? So there’s no need for a fictional group to send an assassin squad to shut me up like you did with JFK and MJ, or you’ll only prove your existence. Thus, your best bet is to protect me. Preferably with a bodyguard who looks likes the brunette from that skin cream commercial.

And remember, eat toast responsibly. Don’t blame me if the carbs inflate you like a balloon or the crumbs on the kitchen floor attract rodents and other unwanted pests, like bill collectors and assassin squads.

Blessings & Joy,
Dean
(Or Max Burnbottom if you’re part of an assassin squad;
Max is the one you want, not me!)

The Easiest Jokes to Write! (Part 2)

Tom Swifties!

(A.k.a. Adverbial Puns)

A sentence ending with an adverb ending in -ly that creates humor via a play on words. The adverb provides the Punchline.

End a sentence with an adverb ending in -ly that creates a wordplay on the rest of the sentence. The sentence is the Setup; and the -ly adverb is the Punchline.

Fill in the blanks:

“_____,” he said _____ly.

The first blank is a statement made by the speaker; and the second blank is an adverb ending in -ly which not only describes how the statement was said, but relates to what was said using a witty wordplay.

* “I have an idea,” beamed Edison brightly.

Thomas Edison invented the light bulb; and the cliché in cartoons is to have a light bulb appear over someone’s head when he has a “bright” idea. The adverb brightly can mean lots of light, as in with the aid of a light bulb, or cheerfully. Thus, the play on words. Same with the verb beam.

Although deemed Adverbial Puns, Tom Swifties can be created with other words instead, like clever verbs, nouns, or adjectives. Same format: Start with a statement and end with a word that fits the sentence structure, but still creates a wordplay.

* “Turns out we have only seven weeks left of school instead of eight,” the teacher recounted.

The verb recount means to tell a story or to count again.

* “Don’t worry woman, I’ll put you back together,” was his reassuring rejoinder.

The noun rejoinder sounds like the phrase “rejoined her”.

* “I go great with ketchup and mustard,” said the hot dog being frank.

The adjective frank means forthright, but being short for frankfurter, frank is also another word for a hot dog.
Think of how words sound. Not just what they mean, but how they sound. Once you find a word that sounds like something different than itself, write the sentence (Setup) to support that word being the Punchline. And, of course, put the Punchline at the end.

Studying Tom Swifties will show you the various ways to construct them. Once you understand the concept, you should be able to write Tom Swifties swiftly.

* “Make adverbial puns,” said Tom swiftly.

I figured out a new way to write Tom Swifties! You make both the verb for speaking and the adverb fit the situation to create a double whammy.

* “This is the best sports car for zooming down highways,” he expressed jaggedly. -- Expressed for expressway; and jaggedly for Jaguar.

* “My car doesn’t even have a ding,” he buffed recklessly. -- Buffed for removing dings; and recklessly for having less, or no, wrecks.

The best way to write these super fast is to Google an list of adverbs and write whatever funny ideas come to mind.

Although with a little practice, these become easier to write, don't overuse them. Use them every now and then to see if anyone catches them.

Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey

This post was adapted and excerpted from my book “How to Write All Kinds of Comedy Jokes!”

Fast Food Royalty

I dedicate this entry to my super sweet sister who has an awesome blog "Rach and Me": http://rachandme.blogspot.com/ where she's blogged about fast-food burgers and "The Bachelorette". She covers a variety of intriguing and engaging topics each week with her unique sense of humor and charm as she takes us along on her child-rearing and learning-to-cook adventures, but the burgers and Bachelorette pertain to today's post. And by the way, her cooking skills have improved immensely too.

And now, today's post: "Fast Food Royalty":

“The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” and shows like that are popular.  But I don’t think love and marriage should be treated as prizes on a game show.

Still, people have their favorite couples for whom they cheer.  But the one couple everyone wants to get together, is, of course, none other than:

Burger King and Dairy Queen.

They could live in a White Castle and rule the world of fast food!

“All who wish to dine in a hurry must bow before them!”

You eat the king’s burgers; drink the queen’s shakes; and wind up with a royal flush.

Of course, the real couple, all creation wants to see get together is The King of Glory and his fiancée The Church Triumphant.  Alleluia!  (But that wouldn’t have been as funny as the royal White Castle couple.)

Remember to Whom you belong; and act accordingly. 

Also, it'd be nice to treat your loved ones like royalty too. 

Blessings & Joy,
Dean Burkey

PS Per my Special Request: http://heaven-bent.blogspot.com/2011/06/special-request.html please vote for "Rach and Me" at: http://www.babble.com/babble-best/top-50-mommy-food-blogs/nominate-a-food-blog/index.aspx With a couple more votes, she'll be on the first page, so you just scroll down until you find "Rach and Me" and click Like! Many, many thanks. May you be blessed for your acts of kindness and love.