My Cause of Death
I’ve been sick and unable to connect to the Internet, which is, as Mitch Hedberg might’ve said: “A double whammy!”
Still not feeling 100 %, and still can’t connect to the Internet, but I’m at the public library, where I hope I’m not becoming Patient Zero, the sneezy schlepp who inadvertently causes a mass pandemic that wipes out a humongous chunk of the population Bubonic Plague style. Not the way I wanna go. Yo!
Whenever I’m sick, I ponder what will be written as My Cause of Death.
Being a comedian, part of me thinks it’d be great to have my demise be Something Silly.
Like I was finger-painting the kitchen and got zapped when I tried to make the electrical socket purple.
Or I juggled grenades and accidentally pulled out one of the pins.
Or I tried to pet the pretty little platypus, which, at the moment of my demise, I suddenly recall from a report I wrote in sixth grade that her hind legs inject poison.
Or maybe even Something Ironic, like I drowned trying to save a lifeguard.
“Isn’t ironic?
Yeah, I really do think.”
-- Alanis Morissette.
But since I’m more than just a comedian, Something Silly or Something Ironic aren’t really the ways I want to go.
On the other hand, I don’t want to die of Something Serious either. Like being murdered, because that only enables the killer’s homicidal tendencies; and no one wants that, especially the victims.
Or dying of some horrific disease, whether it’s merely the sniffles gone awry; or some major league disease that people refer to as “The Big” and then they add the first letter of the disease. Like “The Big R” for rickets.
Or “The Big Silent P” for pneumonia.
Or “The Big Silent P” for pneumonia.
So, in keeping with The Secret, I focus on my autopsy report listing My Cause of Death as None. That way I never die and live forever. In which case, I’ll sue the coroner who performs the autopsy on me! Or get him disbarred, defrocked, or whatever they do to coroners gone bad. At the very least, take away his formaldehyde aftershave.
But then again, with The Secret, by focusing on My Cause of Death being None, I’ll probably get murdered by an angry Mother Superior who slits my jugular with a plastic child-safe pencil sharpener.
In which case, My Cause of Death will be All of the Above (a.k.a. A Quadruple Whammy!): Something Silly, Something Ironic, Something Serious, and Nun.
So instead of fearing
some nightmarish death,
I’ll keep
living the dream.
;o)
Welcome to 2015*,
The Year of Dean!
Dean Burkey
Photo Source:
http://www.sherv.net/laughing-emoticons.html
* Don’t know why it didn’t occur to me sooner that both 2013 and 2014 could’ve been my years too, since they also rhyme with Dean!
Photo Source:
http://www.sherv.net/laughing-emoticons.html
